It was a Saturday which just so happened to be Dean’s second least favorite day. Sundays were always worse for him because some people would automatically take Saturday off after a full work week and Sunday would be the day they’d decide to do something around the house. Above all else Dean hated those type of people because a myriad of television shows had convinced them that any person could be a do it yourself enthusiast and nothing could be further from the truth.

He could always spot them coming because they’d drag along their husbands or wives, usually their kids too, and they’d have their handy little list printed off an equally handy website with all the things they needed. That pissed him off the most because those lists said exactly what to buy and the DIYers still needed help finding the right wood for their new gate, the right primer for a paintjob, or a ‘thing’ that sort of looks like a ‘thing’.

He would have been a lot more pissed off if he didn’t love those same shows. Every night he’d go home and after cooking dinner he’d sit down on the sofa to watch them. He didn’t have to worry about any shortage of programs since they got recorded while he was at work which was the best thing in the world on his days off because he could stay in his pajamas and catch up on home improvement shows all day long. He’d stop to cook meals and do laundry, but he spent most of the day just watching.

In a way he considered his constant television viewing as sort of a preventative measure. More than once he had helped someone who came in wanting to complete a project he had just seen the previous week. He courteous and helpful, but Dean was always wondering in the back of his head just what the hell people were thinking when they decided to build an ornate dog house or construct a bookcase from scratch with no prior experience.

“Excuse me, sir?”

“Yes?” Dean asked as he turned around with his biggest and brightest smile. “Hi.”

“Hi.” The woman smiled back before squinting at his apron. “Jim, can you help me?”

“That’s what I’m here for.” Dean said while still smiling. “I keep trying to get them to pay me for not doing anything but they won’t go for it.”

The woman was probably in her mid-thirties and just as he expected she pulled out her handy little list printed off some handy little website. More than anyone else in the store Dean knew how to work a customer. The woman was probably ten years older than him and he was young and cute. He’d flirt with her just a little to make her comfortable because he liked to pretend he was working on a commission even if he wasn’t.

If Dean’s customer happened to be a man he always made sure to not dumb it down because guys didn’t like that. They liked to go into stores pretending they knew everything even if the vast majority wouldn’t have been able to tell their own asses from a hole in the ground. Dean would laugh and joke with them and never let on that he knew they were complete idiots who were using home improvement to compensate for their own short dicks.

The woman squinted again when she looked over the printout and Dean could tell just by looking at her that she probably needed glasses that she was too vain to wear especially in the presence of an attractive young man such as himself. She looked like she was starting that slow slide into forty a little early and trying her best to stay young and desirable for ever. Dean even figured she had a few younger friends she was jealous of because their asses were higher, their tits were firmer, and their husbands were more attentive in bed.

He always made up back stories for the people he talked to regardless of the amount of time they spent talking to him. Someone could just ask where the bathroom was and Dean would invent an entire life for them because he really didn’t think he should be alone. He wanted everyone to be fake and phony and for all he knew the woman in front of him was looking forward to forty because she was confident and thought that was the sexiest quality a woman could have. He really had no idea what she was actually like and that was fine because the moment she left Dean would forget all about her.

“I need a piece of wood.” She smiled. “I saw a television show where they made a bulletin board and they’re so expensive in stores.”

“Oh, I think I saw that.” Dean said as he pushed up his glasses. “It was sort of a striped fabric on top.”

“Exactly!”

“Right this way.”

“I’m Linda.”

“Jim.” Dean said as he pointed at his apron. “What are you thinking, about two by three?”

“It’s for my daughter. I think that would be perfect.”

She already had her staple gun which came with a pack of staples. They were quarter inch and the plywood on her little print out was also quarter inch. Dean knew that wouldn’t work because she’d be stapling clear through to the front side. If he had been demoing how to make some stupid ass bulletin board he would have used MDF. It was smoother, it wouldn’t warp like plywood and they already had it in precut sheets which meant she’d save money instead of having a piece of plywood cut. It was probably little harder to staple into, but Dean knew she could handle it and no person was ever opposed to getting more for less.

“I’d go with the MDF, medium density fiberboard. It’s a little more expensive, but sturdier and the precut pieces are cheaper than buying a whole sheet of plywood and having it cut.”

“Oh!”

The woman was quite clearly impressed which almost made Dean roll his eyes because there was little less impressive than MDF. He knew she was actually impressed with his knowledge and not the board, but he wanted to pretend she was an idiot because it made him feel a lot better about himself.

“It’s smoother so if won’t scruff or scrape the walls of your daughter’s room. If you went with the plywood you might have to cover the back unless you want to be in here next weekend buying some paint to touch up the wall.”

“Would you use the MDF?”

“I have a bulletin board in my kitchen I made out of MDF. I keep coupons on it.”

“That is a wonderful idea. I think I’ll get two.”

Dean wasn’t even lying about that which negated how good thinking the woman was an idiot made him feel. His bulletin board had been up for a few months and he made it without any little print out. His didn’t have fancy fabric, it was just a drop cloth he picked up from the paint department and it wasn’t padded with anything, he just used more canvas. They used ribbons on the show, but he opted to use some thin jute cord which worked just as well and he got it for free. It was same thing they used to tie up purchases since people loved buying shit they didn’t need which was way too big for their cars.

Once the woman was set on her pieces of wood she then wanted to know just how Dean managed to get his bulletin board on the wall. He was going to have to carry the wood up to the register since of course she hadn’t bothered to bring a cart, so he led her a few aisles over and pointed out some heavy duty picture wire, a few screws, and of course anchors for the wall which required another explanation.

She had everything she needed so Dean brought her to an empty register and then went to get a cart. She slipped five dollars on the down low which he was more than happy to accept. That would cover lunch if he took it and he’d still have some change left over for his big jar at home.

He was officially over his first customer of the day and they were always the worst. The woman hadn’t been so bad and Dean had dealt with far worse, but he never liked the first customer. Once they were out of the way they day would just sort of drift by. He would always find his rhythm after that and just point out everything people asked for while resisting the incredible urge to tell them where they could shove their handy little lists.

Dean briefly considered wandering for a few minutes just to avoid going back to the lumber department, but wandering was really more dangerous than staying in one place. If he was walking around there was a ninety percent chance that someone would stop him most likely on one of the electrical aisles and he really wouldn’t be able to help them. He could point out where everything was, but he had no clue what half the shit did or why anyone would get a bug up their ass to install a dimmer switch in the dining room.

When he got back to his own department Dean breathed a sigh of relief because it was completely empty. He liked that because he was alone and could just straighten things up. The manager had complimented him several times on how his aisles were always the neatest and because Dean liked the old guy he wanted to do him proud. He actually liked a lot of people he worked with and was well liked in return even if they all thought he was a little odd.

His best friend at the store was Tim. He worked in the flooring department and was twenty-four which made him just a year older than Dean. He liked him because they were so close in age and Tim shared all the same beliefs about the DIYers. Dean actually thought he had it pretty easy since he mostly dealt with the carpet and very few people tried to do that by themselves. Most of them time Tim just had to help them make a selection and place the order, he wasn’t fielding asinine questions all day long.

People at the store, mostly the over fifty crowd, thought they were quite a pair and rarely mentioned Tim’s name with tossing in Jim just for the hell of it. They were Tim and Jim or the two musketeers, Dean had even heard a few whispers about them which he mostly ignored because rumors circulating just weren’t true.

The sad part was that Dean would have loved for them to be true. Tim was a great guy and a really good friend. They probably could have been very happy together, Dean knew he might have been, but Tim wasn’t gay or if he was he was really good at hiding it. Dean had no idea if he was himself gay or straight, just that he was neither, none, and certainly not both. Dean wasn’t anything because sex and romantic relationships were something he had absolutely no interest in at least not anymore. He hadn’t done anything in over a year and he had no intention of ever doing anything again.

“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four…” Dean counted before he sighed. “Three, two, one.”

Dean took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut before reorganizing his thoughts. Tim was cool and they had fun hanging out at work. Every couple of weeks Dean would give in and they might go get a beer with some other people from the store but that rarely happened. Tim would have liked for it to happen more often, but Dean always made up excuses about commitments to the family or that he was just too tired.

“Why do you do that, Jim?”

Dean spun around and then laughed a little because Tim was right behind him in his own apron and with his own smile. He was a good looking guy, a little taller than Dean with shorter lighter hair. His hair was always kind of strange looking because it wasn’t really light enough to be blonde and it wasn’t really dark enough to actually be brown. It was just sort of a flat color in-between that was neither one nor the other. Some people might call it mousy, but Dean thought that had sort of a negative connotation so he didn’t call it anything at all.

Seeing Tim for the first time made Dean a little nervous everyday. It always faded when he smiled but it still kept happening. Dean indulged in both of his favorite nervous habits which were pushing up his glasses and pulling back his hair. It was hanging in his face and he hated that they wouldn’t allow him to just pull it back in a non-obtrusive ponytail with a rubber band.

Pushing his hair back reminded Dean that it was nearly the end of the month and he’d have to stop off at the drugstore on the way home which gave him an excuse to not do anything after work. It wasn’t much of an excuse though because even if they were best friends Dean wasn’t about to tell Tim he couldn’t go out because he had to stay in and dye his hair. He did it once a month because his lighter roots really showed up against his dark stained hair and while it was a pain in the ass it had to be done.

“Do what?”

“You were counting again.” Tim laughed. “You always do that.”

“Oh, yeah, I…I guess I do, sometimes. What’s up?”

“Not a damn thing. Punch anyone in the face yet?”

“Almost, some woman was making a bulletin board. She wanted quarter inch plywood and she had quarter inch staples.”

“DIYers, huh?”

“Yeah, really.”

“Oh.” Tim said before he clapped his hands together. “We’re going to play softball tonight, you in? Pitching might not be so hard on your back. I’ll help you stretch before.”

“Um…” Dean said as he started to scratch his neck. “Tonight? I had something to do and…what’s today?”

“The 28^th.”

“Oh…Oh! I promised my parents I’d go to dinner at their house.”

“I thought that was last weekend.”

“It was.” Dean nodded. “But then my mom is doing this thing with her church and she’s having dinner again. It’s lame, but she likes to have me there. Worried about me ordering pizza all the time, you know?”

“Yeah.” Tim said. “I get that. It’s cool that you’re so close to them. Well, what about a beer after you’re done? We’re just going to go out after the game a put away a few pitchers.”

“Yeah, I could probably swing that if I get done in time. I’ll call you.”

“Cool.”

“That’ll be fun.” Dean smiled. “Just getting some beers.”

Dean of course wasn’t going to his parent’s house. They had a house once upon a time but that was so far in the past Dean didn’t have to count to forget about it. He was going to go home and dye his hair. He had some stuff to make spaghetti and meat sauce and then he just planned on watching television until he got sleepy. When Tim asked why he didn’t call Dean was just going to tell him how dinner ran late and then his dear old mom needed help moving around some furniture because dear old dad was tired of doing it every few weeks. It really was amazing how many excuses a fictitious couple that had been married for thirty years could provide.

“Yeah, I hope you can make it.”

“I’ll try.”

“Are you leaving for lunch today?”

“Probably.” Dean nodded. “Sorta feel like a baked potato from Wendy’s.”

“Can I come with?”

“Of course.”

“I think my car is just about ready to completely die on me. Didn’t you say your note is really low?”

“Uh yeah, I put down about three thousand, my note is under two hundred and I save so much on gas.”

“It’s like forty-five per gallon, right?”

“Mmhmm. I love my…Civic.”

Dean came very close to counting again, but he managed to keep his cool by putting his hand in his pocket. He could feel the key to the ignition and all the buttons of his keyless entry, but he pushed those aside for the bigger keys on the same keychain he’d use to get into his house at the end of the day. He considered those his real keys though he had sort of grown to enjoy the little silver Civic that barely made a noise when he started it. He had to love it because it was Jim’s car and a hybrid was absolutely something Jim would drive to his job at Home Depot and then back home to his little two bedroom house with curtains that matched his fucking sofa.

“Dean? Dean?”

“Looks like someone lost his kid.” Tim sighed. “That’s what happens when you let them run wild. Some people shouldn’t even bother having kids.”

“Where…where is he?” Dean asked. “Uh…where…”

“Are you okay, Jimmy?”

Dean’s entire body tensed up when he heard his name being called again. He wanted to pretend more than anything that it really was just some random dad who also had a kid named Dean, but there was no use in pretending. Dean knew that voice better than his own and all his careful planning, all his strategic maneuvers were for nothing because he knew John was behind him and his voice was getting louder.

He had been gone since a week after Sam left for college. He went West so Dean went East. He didn’t cover his tracks and it didn’t take John long to find him. Dean left again after then and made damn sure he laid down very visible tracks leading in ten different directions except for the one he finally settled on. It was June, he hadn’t seen John in year and he sure as hell had no desire to see him again. He was just a reminder one that Dean couldn’t count his way out of because there weren’t enough numbers or deeps breaths left in the world.

“Is he alone?” Dean whispered. “Please tell me he’s alone.”

“Yeah, um…come on, I…come on we’ll go in the back and get you a coke from the machine. My treat, I’ll steal a sandwich.”

“Go.” Dean said. “Please, just go. I’m fine.”

“You’re shaking.” Tim whispered. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Please…”

“Dean!”

Dean’s body was so stiff which made John spinning him around much easier than it should have been. He sort of jerked him back first which made the toes of Dean’s tennis shoes rise up slightly and he just spun on his heels putting him face to face with his father, his real father, not some friendly old guy in a sweater cardigan. He was alone, so that was good news, but it was still wrapped up in a world of bad. Dean liked his life, he had convinced himself that Jim was an okay guy who watched television, worked a real job, and even had a friend who actually wanted to spend time with him. Someone actually liked him with no motives at all other than a little companionship

“Get your hands off of him.”

. Tim sidestepped and shoved John hard enough to knock him back. Everything told Dean to just run and hide. He could lay down tracks again and set up in another town. He could even find another friend though he doubted anyone would stand up to someone quite as scary as John. Dean could do it but it wasn’t something he could do in front of Tim. It wasn’t something he wanted to do in front of him because he was his friend and he needed to be protected.

“Put your hands on me again, boy.” John said. “You’ll be eating your next meal through a tube.”

“I’m okay.” Dean nodded. “I’m fine, Tim, really.”

“Who the hell is this guy?”

“No one. I’m fine. Please, can I just have a minute?”

“I don’t like it.”

“No one gives a damn what you like.” John sneered. “Fuck off.”

John had always been one of the most terrifying people Dean had ever met and he moved into something else entirely that defied description when he was angry. Standing in front of Dean he wasn’t just angry, he was furious. Tim would have stayed, he probably would have dealt with dozens of terrifying men to help out, but he left after Dean asked one more time. He left slowly and walked backwards down the aisle and didn’t look away from Dean’s eyes until he had to turn the corner to head back to the carpet department.

“Taught you a little too well, I guess.”

“Obviously not.” Dean said. “What are you doing here?”

“I have been looking for you everywhere!” John yelled. “I’ve been back and forth across the country a hundred times. I should have known you’d come here. Last place I thought of looking. Isn’t this a little dangerous for you?”

“There are seven Home Depots a hell of a lot closer to him than this one. There’s no reason he’d come here.”

It was dangerous being so close to Sam, but Dean had been right and it wasn’t any place John was going to look for him. He made a perfect choice and he did have almost a year where he was before he was found out. He’d move again if he had to, maybe even Tim might want to go with him, they could just find a house somewhere and get new jobs, and they could both hide. It might even be fun to have someone else dye his hair for a change.

“Just let me talk to you.” John said. “I want to talk to you.”

“I seem to remember you saying that the last time you found me.”

“Dean…”

“And I seem to recall telling you that if you ever wanted to talk to me…” Dean smiled. “That you could go fuck yourself. So why don’t you do that?”

“You’re miserable.”

“No, I’m finally not.”

“Everything about you is a lie, but you can’t lie to me, Dean. You can dye your hair. You can buy some fake glasses and gain…forty pounds?”

“Thirty-five.”

“You’re still my son.”

“Nothing about my nose, John?” Dean asked. “It’s crooked now. Remember when you broke it? Remember when you put me in the hospital? I still have a scar on my back.”

“Dean…”

“When you threw me through the window?” Dean laughed. “Put me in a coma for a week. Nearly killed me.”

“You’re sick Dean.” John said as he shook his head. “I couldn’t…what you did to your brother, I…I’m sorry, I hurt you, but he’s my son and…”

“I was on my belly the entire time he was fucking me. I got fucked and you still think I raped him.”

“No, that’s not what happened, you…”

“Almost died because of you…no, I did die. I lost my father, I lost the one person who made me happy. Dean’s gone, John. You helped make that happen, so thank you.”

“I didn’t know, when you said that…”

“Of course you didn’t. You just made me the monster.”

John was still shaking his head but he was shocked enough for Dean to slip away. He made it into the lounge first where Tim was waiting for him and having a frantic discussion with their manager. Dean didn’t really offer much of an explanation. He said he was fine because he was but he needed to take the rest of the day off. Tim wanted more but Dean was just hanging on by a thread and kept shaking his head.

He got the rest of the day off and Sunday as well because he was an excellent employee who worked more than he really needed to. He left out the backdoor where everyone was unloading trucks and he decided to leave his car in the parking lot because he was sure John had snapped out of it and was waiting for him. He stuck to the woods behind the store and started the long walk back to the little two bedroom house with the curtains that matched the sofa that Jim Stevens called home.

A few years ago Dean would have been able to manage walking three miles just fine, but he was in bad shape so it took a lot longer than it should have. Not only had he gained some weight, but his back hurt a lot which was something he had neglected to thank John for. It pretty much hurt all the time, and if he worked too long or if he happened to be walking three miles through the woods then it would get worse. It would get sore at first and then things would go down hill quickly. By the time he hit the edge of his neighborhood Dean had to sit down and rest.

The neighborhood was actually really nice which was something Dean didn’t realize when he rented the house there. The reason he chose it was because everything looked so normal. A lot of the houses were built using the same plans and everyone had green grass, modest gardens, and an American flag on their little porches. Dean even had one, but he thought his garden was more than modest.

His neighbors were mostly compromised of couples. They were split right down the middle with half of them being very old and the other half just staring out. He heard the term starter home about thirty times when he ventured out on New Year’s Eve for a little block party. All those young couples had bought houses because they were cheap and relatively nice for the price. They were going to stay for a few years and then find something better once there was a baby on the way and they had saved a little bit of money.

Dean was pretty sure he was the only renter which made him feel like a bit of an outsider. His landlord was a nice woman who went through a rather messy divorce. She got the house, but it was filled with too many bad memories, too many reminders of fights she had with her husband. She wanted to sell, but thought that was silly when she could rent it out and supplement her income.

When Dean went to see it after he escaped for the second time she told him the whole story without being asked. He paid attention because he was nice but he didn’t really care. She had moved into her mother’s house who was getting on in years so she had a place to go and so did Dean. He liked the little house right away because it was sort of quaint and seemed like something Jim would like. It certainly wasn’t showy, but it had been recently updated, it had a big backyard, and a garage. Dean had two bedrooms and a good sized kitchen. He didn’t think he could really find anything else so he signed the lease and moved in the very next day.

At first it was a little scary to have a home of his own, but he got over that quickly enough. Jim had always dreamt of having his own house and Dean was pretty happy with it. It took him about six months to really make it a home since he moved in with two duffle bags and a set of pots he bought on sale. He handled the bedroom first because he was still healing and sleeping more than he probably should have. Using the remainder of the money he had been stashing away for years he bought a flimsy bed frame and a cheap mattress which he slept on for about three months before upgrading.

Because he was working and budgeting his money he could afford something better. The old bed and mattress went into the second bedroom which Dean had designated a guestroom-office even if the idea of having a guest was completely laughable. He purchased what he thought was a pretty sharp looking wooden frame and actually tested out mattresses instead of just buying the cheapest one he saw. The one he picked was incredibly firm and just what his back craved. It was like sleeping on light padded cement which to Dean was like sleeping on a cloud sent down from heaven.

Once his bedroom was done he moved onto the living room and actually put a sofa on layaway. It was only four hundred dollars but paying for it on a week by week basis made him feel good and it freed up some cash which he felt was smart just in case there were unexpected expenses. It took him about two months to pay for the whole thing, but he got it with money he earned from working at a very honest job which was incredibly satisfying.

With one piece of furniture out of the way Dean bought himself a television stand that he had to put together but that was easy enough. He waited three weeks and scoured the Sunday paper until he found a television on sale. It wasn’t the big flat screen television Tim lusted over, but it was enough. He even got cable just for the hell of it though he opted against all those pay channels which were extra.

He set up the kitchen after the living room with a little white table and four chairs. He invested in some cookbooks as well because eating at home was cheaper than eating out. He thought his house was a pretty swinging bachelor pad and he was very proud of himself for furnishing it with things he bought using his own money.

Dean had everything he needed and a year after moving in the house was pretty much complete. He didn’t have a comforter for the guest bed and he really wanted a desk for that room as well. He usually either used his little laptop computer at the kitchen table or even on the sofa while watching television. A desk would have been nice, but that was something on his list for the future.

Dean could actually see his little white house at the end of the street from where he was sitting. It wasn’t even a quarter mile away but he still needed a few more minutes of rest. He had just sort of walked out of the woods and plopped down because his back was hurting so bad. He’d hopefully be fine after a few minutes and could finish his trek back home where things were safer and quieter.

It was sort of strange to be sitting on the outskirts of the neighborhood and looking in. It was very quiet for a Saturday which Dean figured was due in part to the lack of children in the neighborhood. He was actually a little upset about that because he thought it might be fun to join them for a game of pitch and catch if he had a day off on the weekends which was rare. He knew he wouldn’t be able to play long because of the excess weight and his bad back, but it would have been something. Kids seemed safe to him because they wouldn’t ask why he counted or if he had a girlfriend. They wouldn’t ask about bulletin board, doghouses, or new fences either.

The main reason he wanted some kids around was because he was lonely. He couldn’t lie to himself and pretend like he wasn’t. He knew he brought it on himself because Tim had a lot of friends and was always trying to get him to go out with them, but Dean was never really interested. He thought a few rowdy twelve year olds would be better companions because adults were observant. They’d know he was lonely and they’d know he was always sad. The one thing Dean couldn’t handle was pity.

After about ten minutes his breathing became less ragged and his back pain settled to a throbbing numbness. He pushed himself off the ground and cursed the fact that he couldn’t just stand up on his own anymore before he started walking. He hadn’t seen a single person or car for the ten minutes he was sitting and watching but of course as soon as he started moving someone had to check their mail.

Dean actually sort of liked the guy but he was a talkative son of a bitch. He knew he would ask why he was walking and because he was nice might try to offer assistance of some kind for whatever excuse Dean could think up. He briefly considered telling him the truth, but very few people would want to know they were living down the street from someone running from their father who thought he had raped his little brother. That didn’t seem like a good idea no matter how he could have phrased it.

“Jim!

“Hey, Randy.” Dean waved. “How are you?”

“Good, man. Where are you coming from?”

“My car broke down.” Dean nodded. “They towed it and because I was close I figured I could use the exercise.”

“That sucks.” Randy said as he walked to his mailbox. “Do you know what’s wrong with it? You just bought that car.”

“I dunno. All I know about cars is where the gas goes.”

“You sound like my wife.”

“How about you give me a little spending money then? You never take me out dancing anymore.”

Randy laughed and then launched into a sprawling story of his wife’s own car troubles a few weeks ago. Dean still thought he was a nice guy even with the insult but he would have liked him a lot more if he wasn’t always telling stories that made his wife sound like a fucking idiot.

She had apparently tried to put diesel in her car which wasn’t all that bad because she only made the mistake since she was driving without her contacts. Dean didn’t know what to say about that so he just nodded politely like he always did. Since he had moved into the neighborhood Dean had heard several stories about the wife’s misadventures, none of which cast her in a very good light.

One was about changing an air conditioning filter with the wrong size and another was about a stopped up toilet and lack of a plunger. He just went on and on and because Jim was so nice Dean couldn’t tell Randy to shut the fuck up and cut his wife some slack. He just kept nodding and then finally made up an excuse about having to call work to tell them he’d be late. Randy smiled and then checked the mail before leaving. He didn’t offer Dean a ride back to work which would have been the nice thing to do. He wouldn’t have taken it, but he would have appreciated the gesture.

When Dean finally made it to his front door it had been about an hour since he left work. It was almost time for Tim’s lunch break so Dean wanted to call after he thought up a plausible excuse for John. Tim would want to know what the hell was going on, not because he was nosy, but because he was a good friend.

He realized as he stepped into the house that Tim might have to wait a little longer to get a phone call because Dean had an unexpected and unwanted visitor sitting in his living room on his sofa that he bought with honest money. He didn’t see John’s truck which he assumed was around the corner. Had he seen it he would have kept on walking. He wasn’t really that surprised he was there either because if he knew where he worked he would of course know where he lived.

John was just sitting there and didn’t say a word when Dean walked in and hung his keys up on the hook next to the door. He looked like he was thinking of a way to apologize for almost killing him, but of course the idea of apologizing for something like that was really too ridiculous for even John to seriously consider.

Dean didn’t want to see him and he sure as hell didn’t want to talk to him either. He wanted to get his trusty ice pack out of the freezer and lie down on the sofa after popping a few Aleve for his back. John was on his sofa though, with his filthy boots on Dean’s clean hardwood floor. He had a strict no shoe policy in his house because he kept it very clean and all shoes did was drag in the dirt.

After waiting a second to see if he was going to say anything about breaking into his house Dean kicked off his tennis shoes and neatly arranged them on the little rug next to the door. That was where they stayed and they were the only pair of shoes he had in current rotation. They were trendy New Balances he had for a year and still looked pretty good since he took such care of them.

Once his shoes were off Dean took off his fake black plastic glasses and set them on top of the table in the entryway along with his wallet. He liked to put outgoing mail there as well as his other new little accessory. He had been using the same rubber band for about three months since his hair had started to get in his face. He pulled it all back at the base of his neck and then wrapped the black band around it in a very snug ponytail. John still hadn’t said anything so Dean decided he’d have to start the conversation.

“Can you please not sit on my sofa?”

“Why?” John asked as he stood up. “It’s comfortable.”

“I just cleaned it last weekend.” Dean said as he pulled out his gun. “And the floor is easier to clean.”

John looked like he was going for his gun too, but Dean had caught him off guard. He always had his gun on him even at work because it made him feel like he hadn’t completely lost himself. It was tucked into the back of his jeans under his little black back brace which wasn’t working nearly as well as it should have.

After Dean shot him he took off the brace and put it next to his glasses. He ignored John’s one pitiful scream and then his groans as he walked past him into the kitchen. Dean normally put his gun on the little table in the entryway too until he went to bed, but he thought it best to take it with him.

Once he was in the kitchen he put it on the counter before getting his Aleve and a clean glass from the sink. He put ice in it first and pulled out the icepack since it was in there and he needed it. By the time he had decided on Hawaiian Punch John was up off the floor and still groaning. Most men probably would have screamed a little more, but John was far too insecure to let anyone know how much pain he was in.

He was sort of staggering around the living room and bleeding on the nice clean floor but Dean didn’t mind. He had walked into his house with his boots on so he was going to have to mop anyway. Dean didn’t even bother looking over while he took his two Aleve, one more than was recommended, and washed it down with half his glass of punch. He really needed it after his walk and it definitely quenched his thirst.

As far as Dean could tell from his peripheral vision John was trying to make his way into the kitchen. He wasn’t doing a very good job though since it seemed like he was zigging and zagging back and forth. When he finally decided to look over John was about a foot away from stepping off the wood floor and onto the tile. Dean couldn’t have that because he had white grout and knew blood would be a bitch to get out of it.

After another step Dean put down his refreshment and snatched his gun back up without missing a beat. He leveled it on John’s head without turning away from the refrigerator. He didn’t really want to face him. He wanted to stay in profile so John could hopefully see the bump in his crooked nose that he had caused when he broke it. It never got a chance to heal correctly and Dean was too busy running to get to any doctors.

John had a completely horrified look on his face which was what Dean imagined his own face must have looked like a year ago during the merciless beating. He wasn’t even sure how bad it was since he passed out when John knocked him through the motel window. He could have kept on beating him after he lost consciousness and then decided to take him to the hospital to lie about the bad ‘muggers’ who attacked his son. He had said it was three which Dean still found funny because no one would have believed that one person could deliver such a brutal beating and those same people still probably had trouble believing anyone could survive it, but he had. It wasn’t something he intended on surviving again though because he refused to go down without a fight or even give John the chance to make a move.

John tried to go for his own gun again which actually made Dean chuckle very quietly. He was holding his right shoulder with his left arm and Dean knew he was a crap shot with his left hand. He even knew that John’s gun, the one he always had on him was on the right side of his back and he’d actually have to move his arm to get to it. Dean could have very easily blown his head off before he got it, which John must have realized because he stopped trying to get it and didn’t walk any further into the kitchen.

“You just shot me in the shoulder.” John croaked. “You shot me.”

“I know, I was aiming for your chest, must have been the dehydration.”

“Dean…”

“What do you expect a man to do when he finds a stranger in his home, John?” Dean asked. “For all I knew you were here to rob me…hey, maybe you were here to rape me and it could all just be one big misunderstanding.”

“I’m sorry, when you said…”

“You take one step forward and I will shoot you again.” Dean said. “I have white grout in my kitchen.”

“What?”

“Grout.” Dean said as he pointed down. “I spilled spaghetti sauce once, took me two weeks to get it white again.”

“Will you please put down the gun so we can talk?”

“I don’t think I’ll be doing that, John.”

“Stop calling me that!”

“You keep calling me Dean and that’s not my name.”

“Jim isn’t real. Your name is…”

“My social security card and credit rating say otherwise. My name is Jim Stevens, I live here at 3314 Sherwood Drive, my mother is a school teacher and my dad fixes air conditioners. She’s active in the church, he has poker night every Thursday with his buddies and sometimes I go. Only child, graduated sixteenth in my class, and I have a Home Depot credit card.”

“Okay…”

“Also I’m an organ donor.”

“Only child?” John asked. “What about Sammy?”

“Davis Jr? Hell of an entertainer. Got some MP3s on the iPod.”

Dean was tempted to actually aim for his chest just for mentioning Sam by name. It took a hell of a lot of self control for Dean to not think about him and he had been doing really well. He was furious that John brought him up when he didn’t give a shit about him. He had no right to say his name and the only reason Dean didn’t shoot again was because he’d have to deal with a body in the living room all day until it was dark enough to get rid of it.

“Okay.” John nodded. “What do I have to do to get you to put down the gun?”

“Walk out of my house slowly, get in your truck, and never come back here. This isn’t going to go down like it did last time. You’re on my turf now.”

“I’m not going to do that, Dean. I need to talk to you. We need to talk about this.”

“I could call the police.” Dean shrugged. “Phone’s right there. You broke into my house and I can just imagine the field day they’ll have when they find your truck.”

“I really don’t think you’re stupid enough to invite the cops in.”

“You think?” Dean asked as he reached for the phone. “I have a license for the gun in my hand and I’m a part of the neighborhood watch, I’m sure they…”

“Dean?”

Dean was trying to level the gun, stay still, and reach for the phone at the same time. If he had driven home that would have been easy to do, but because he walked his back was hurting and reaching made him stretch too far in the wrong way. He felt a sharp stabbing pain spread in all directions which made him wince and to his surprise John stopped looking horrified to look concerned.

He was still bleeding despite the pressure on his shoulder but Dean’s pain looked like it actually hurt him. His eyes softened some and he even frowned a little. Dean would have felt bad for him, but his mind raced back to the night a year ago when John nearly killed him and he wasn’t concerned then.

“I’m fine.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I don’t know, something about a shard of glass lodging itself in my back. I have to get up an hour early for work just so I can stretch enough to get dressed.”

“Okay, I’m going to turn around.” John said as he turned slowly. “You can take the gun in my jeans and…”

“And what?”

“You can sit down. I’ll be unarmed and I’ll stay over here. You know I only carry one gun, right side.”

“If you move I’ll shoot you, you know that right? You mean less than nothing to me. You are less than nothing.”

“You’ve made that abundantly clear.”

“I’m serious, if you even sneeze I’ll kill you and not feel a thing except enjoyment.”

“Understood.”

John nodded and then groaned through the pain as he slowly put both of his hands into the air and then behind his head. That was moving, but Dean knew he did it on purpose to test how serious he was. He should have just shot him again for the hell of it, but instead he leveled his gun and took two steps forward. John’s gun was right where he knew it would be and Dean had no trouble getting it. It felt so warm from being against his body and Dean hated that he was holding it in his hand.

He walked back to the kitchen table, kicked over a chair and then sat down because he couldn’t stand anymore. John turned slowly again and then painfully sat in his own chair. They had about six feet between them which was enough for Dean to be comfortable. He kept John’s gun in his hand and grabbed a towel off the counter to toss at him. The wound wasn’t bad enough to kill him even from blood loss, but Dean was getting tired of him dripping all over the floor.

“Thank you.”

“How’d you find me?”

“I had to call in a few favors.” John said as he winced. “I got your picture out to a few friends, they gave it to some more friends. Someone saw you at work, or at least they thought they did.”

“Somehow I doubt you dug through the family albums. Where did you find a picture of me?”

“I don’t think you want to know.”

“Did…did you tell him what you did to me?”

“Uh….” John said as he shook his head. “I asked him for a picture of you because you took off. This was about eight months ago. I didn’t tell him what I did until a half hour ago.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s been looking for you since he left for school, Dean…”

“No!” Dean yelled. “He left me, he left me with two words on a fucking piece of paper! He doesn’t give a shit about me at all, dad! He just…”

“Made a mistake. He’s on his way here now.”

Dean shook his head and stood up even though his back was killing him. John’s gun was still in his hand and Dean gripped the barrel before he swung out hard. He put every ounce of strength he had into one incredibly powerful blow. He just wanted to knock him out which he did, but he was actually hoping he broke his nose as well.

After John was taken care of Dean worked through the pain so he could clean up the floor. He had so many things to do, but he needed to get rid of the blood first. It was driving him crazy and it reminded him too much of a life he had left behind. He wiped most of it up first with the same towel John had been holding on his shoulder but that didn’t do much good. It was still there just not as obvious.

He ended up having to mop which he had just done yesterday before bed. His floor was nice and clean before John showed up, just like his life had been. Everything was going so well and he had to fuck it all up. It wasn’t bad enough that he tracked Dean down, but he had actually told Sam where he was. That was the worst possible thing he could have done and it hurt more than his back, it hurt more than the time Dean had spent in the hospital after the beating.

Dean’s bucket which he mopped with was bright red with a gray and yellow handle. He bought it at work, the same place he got the mop. They had other colors but he just picked the red one because it was on top. He never thought it would come in handy because the chances of him mopping blood off his floor seemed pretty slim. It was working at first because he couldn’t see the water change colors, but every time he put the mop in the water got foamy. By the time he was done it was a very light pink.

Most people wouldn’t have noticed it or thought that the color of the plastic bucket was tinting the foam but Dean knew better. The foam was pink because of the blood and that just pissed him off even more. He didn’t care about shooting John at all, he was only upset because there was blood in his nice clean house.

Even after he dumped the bucket in the sink with his eyes closed he still mopped again. He had to be absolutely certain that all the mess was gone before he could even think about what to do next. He dumped the second bucket with his eyes closed as well and then smiled at his glossy hardwood floors. They looked pretty good and he was always very proud of himself and his home. John was still a rather large blemish in his perfect home and perfect life but Dean had no idea what to do with him so he left him where he was and went to take a shower.

He liked to shower after work because he always came home feeling filthy. Even when he wasn’t busy he’d get grime on his body because the store was so dirty. Since he had mopped his hands smelled like lemons, or fake lemons at least and he didn’t like that either. The shower seemed like a great idea because he could get cleaned up and the hot water was going to do wonders for his back.

After making sure the front and back doors were absolutely secure Dean walked into the bedroom and locked that door. Once he was in the bathroom he locked himself in before getting undressed. The bathroom was actually really nice even if it did have four rather large paint swatches on the white walls. Dean wanted to paint it green because that would match his towels but he still couldn’t decide between the four shades. One was little too yellow in the morning when the sun was coming in through the window. One looked like avocado under the fluorescent lights above the sink. They all looked different depending on the light so he simply couldn’t choose.

Because his walk had made his back act up it took Dean a few minutes longer than usual to get undressed. Taking off his socks was the worst and he had to actually sit down on the edge of the tub to do it. Stretching his body at the angle he needed was almost unbearable and in spite of himself he groaned and started to wonder if it was too soon to pop a few more pills.

He was doing a lot better than most people would have because if he went to the doctor he might get real pills like Vicodin to deal with the pain. That was probably what he needed, but Dean was sticking with the Aleve to avoid developing an addiction. That was the last thing he needed on top of all the other shit he had to deal with.

Once his socks were off Dean was able to take off his shirt. He used to just pull it over his head, but raising his arms that high always caused a little spasm in his back. Because of John he had to pull his arms in through the sleeves and then gather everything up around his neck. It took the same amount of time, but it was another one of those things he had to do differently.

His jeans and underwear were the easiest because all he had to do was push them down and they’d just fall. Normally he picked up all his clothes and put them in the hamper next to the toilet but he was too worn out and his back hurt too much to actually bend over. He left them on the floor where he dropped them and then stared at himself in the mirror.

He had purposefully gained the weight because it was easier than losing weight. He thought it was better to be a guy that was a little chubby instead of someone that just looked sick. He thought he would enjoy the process, but it sounded more fun than it really was. His new physique was mostly due to two for four dollars blocks of cheese from the grocery store. He had one each day and that was responsible for about fifteen pounds over the last year.

The other twenty had come from home cooking washed down with meal replacement shakes. He cooked almost everyday and instead of opening a can of coke or cracking open a bottle of beer he would have a second liquid meal in either strawberry or double chocolate. He didn’t care for the caramel or vanilla because they tasted too fake and always made his stomach hurt.

The extra weight didn’t really look that bad on him. He had always been kind of solid and he just got a little softer. He had sort of a pokey little stomach but he could suck it in. His chest wasn’t as defined and neither were his arms. His thighs were a little bigger as well, but it seemed like the place the weight had the best effect was in his face. If he held his chin down it would double up but it wasn’t that had. His features weren’t as angular anymore and his whole face was just a little rounder. He thought he was good looking and some of the older women at the store were always telling him how cute he was. He used to be handsome, but he could live with cute since it had helped keep him hidden for so long.

Once the hot water and the massaging shower head were working their magic Dean sighed and then decided it was time to figure out what to do. He didn’t care about John or the fact that Sam was on his way. They were his old life and he didn’t want anything to do with them at all. Tim was his main concern because he was his best friend, they worked together, and Dean knew he had to be making himself sick with worry. It was actually a good thing his car had died on him because Dean wouldn’t expect a surprise visit.

Tim had been over a few times just so they could watch movies and eat pizza with a few beers. He had even slept on the sofa one night when they had a marathon viewing of the last three Star Wars movies which Tim thought were the only ones worth paying attention to. He didn’t come over often and because he still lived with his parents Dean had never been to his house, but they were still friends and once Sam and John were gone Tim was still going to be there.

He had heard John say Dean’s real name several times which was a major problem. He also saw how upset and rigid Dean became when John grabbed him. In addition to those two problems Dean had asked him to leave and Tim saw how frantic he was when he slipped out the back door. He was really good at lying, but he wasn’t sure how to construct a lie that would cover all bases. The truth absolutely wasn’t an option because Dean couldn’t tell his only friend that everything about him was a lie. He’d have to keep lying to him and just hope for the best.

While he soaped up his body and then began to wash his hair Dean went over the facts again. He knew what Tim had heard, but there were things he hadn’t heard. He didn’t know that Dean was John’s son or why he had hiding in the first place. If he cast John as an unstable uncle who thought Dean was someone else he might just buy it. That didn’t explain why Dean had left through the backdoor but Jim was the type of guy who might go for a walk to be alone with his thoughts.

Of course Tim knew how much Dean’s back was always hurting and because they were so close he might mention how a walk wasn’t really a good idea. That was okay though because Dean could fib his way through another excuse and above all else things might be okay with Tim. He’d probably stick a lot closer than he usually did and would always been on the lookout for crazy uncle John, but that was fine. Dean could deal with that.

By the time he figured everything out he was all clean and the hot water had worked wonders on his back. He didn’t feel tense anymore and because he knew the new looseness wouldn’t last once his muscles cooled down he dressed quickly. His uniform of choice when he was off of work was t-shirt and baggy pajama pants. He still had to deal with John which might require getting dressed, but Dean didn’t want to break with tradition.

He pulled on a t-shirt from a radio station that had done a promotion at the store and then slipped on some fresh underwear, his favorite blue pants, and a pair of gray socks. Since his back was feeling better he even picked up his dirty clothes off the bathroom floor and placed them in the hamper which he pulled and dragged out of the bathroom, out of the bedroom, and into the living room. The laundry area was in the kitchen and Dean was going to do a load, but if he pushed it his back was going to hurt a lot sooner so he took a break and sat down on the sofa.

“Are we talking now?”

“Oh.” Dean said as he looked over. “You’re awake. You comfortable, John?”

“I’m duct taped to a chair.”

“Ikea. They’re pretty sturdy though so I wouldn’t try breaking it. Gorilla glued and screwed is the way to go.”

“I really don’t think that would do any good Dean, I’d still be duct taped to it.”

“Well, I’m not stupid.” Dean laughed. “I use rope and you’ll get out, rape me, rob me, and leave me for dead.”

“Okay.” John sighed. “Thanks for stitching up my shoulder.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Did you take out the bullet?”

“I did. I wasn’t careful, I was barely paying attention.”

“Can I please have something to drink?”

“No.” Dean said. “Not right now. I just sat down. Maybe I’ll let you stew for about a week. That’s the longest I’ve ever gone without something to drink. Nice crack in the store too about eating through a tube, at least you’re consistent.”

“Okay.” John said again. “Can I talk?”

“Sure, I’d love a reason to use the rest of the roll of tape, knock yourself out.”

“Your brother is in Nevada. It’s going to take him a couple hours to get back here. I…I hope that you and I can talk in that time because he really wants to see you and I don’t want to be taped to a chair when he gets here.”

“Why is he in Nevada?”

“Because he thought you were there. Just like he thought you were in Washington last month and Alabama the month before that. He follows every lead he gets even if he knows it’s a long shot.”

“You’re lying.”

“Dean, please, I’m telling you the truth. Whatever…whatever happened between you two isn’t what he wanted to happen. He spends every weekend, every holiday looking for you.”

“He left.” Dean said. “He wanted to leave. He didn’t want me. He left in the middle of the night and all I got was a fucking note.”

“Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

“I told you what happened.”

“No.” John said as he shook his head. “You said you…you said you…had…sex with Sam, I…I took that the wrong way and didn’t let you explain then you left. As soon as I found you, you left again. You’re running from both of us for two separate reasons and I only know one of them.”

“I…we slept together as two consenting adults. He didn’t do anything I didn’t want him to do and I didn’t do anything he didn’t want me to. I loved him, he said he loved me, we were going to go to California together and when I woke up the next morning he was gone, all his stuff was gone, and all I had was a note.”

Dean blinked back the tears and then shook his head because he felt so stupid. When they slept together he really thought Sam loved him too. He felt whole for the first time in his life and all the fucked up shit that scared him didn’t matter anymore because he meant something to somebody. They made a plan to be happy together in a new place where no one would know who they were. Dean believed it and slept the whole night through dreaming of their perfect life together. When he woke up ready to take Sam for breakfast and make some more plans he was gone like he had never been there in the first place.

At first Dean thought he imagined the whole thing until he found the note in Sam’s beautiful penmanship that simply said ‘I can’t.’ Not only had he left, but he left months before he was due at Stanford at the cost of missing his own graduation. That was a hit Dean’s self esteem just couldn’t take after the perfect night they had. He broke down and couldn’t function at which point John decided to be a father for the first time in his life and asked what was wrong.

Dean told him, or he tried to tell him and the next thing he knew he woke up in the hospital with a bunch of relieved doctors and nurses standing around him. He left as soon as he could when he was still to bruised and broken to do it correctly. John found him and Dean was too scared to explain what actually happened. He ran again and ended up not even an hour from Stanford and Sam.

If John was telling the truth about Sam then he realized his note was a mistake. He knew that he could do it and had spent the past year trying to find someone who wanted to stay lost. If John was telling the truth then Dean was the only reason they weren’t together and that thought was too much for him to handle because he could only lie about so much. He could force himself to not think about Sam but he could never and would never be able to stop loving him.

“I didn’t tell him I knew about you two when I talked to him a few months ago.” John said. “I thought you did something he didn’t want and I didn’t know how to talk to him about that. Then he was so worried when I didn’t even know where you were and I still didn’t tell him. Dean, I couldn’t tell him what I did to you when he was already so worried.”

“Of course you couldn’t. You nearly killed me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Is that supposed to help? This is all your fault. He thought we couldn’t do this because of you. You ruined our lives. You destroyed the chance we both had at happiness. He’s been looking for me this whole time and I’ve been hiding from you.”

“Dean, I’m…”

“You made me the monster because that’s all you’ve ever cared about. I’ve been terrified the past year and alone because I was scared of my own father. Do you even realize what you’ve done? Those doctors said it was a miracle I woke up and that I would never walk again.. I can’t even push my hamper to the laundry room without taking a break. I will deal with this physical pain for the rest of my life and I’ll gladly do that because it hurts so much less than the real pain you caused.”

Dean didn’t even care that John was crying. He had rarely seen that in his life and he knew he got to him but he just didn’t care. He didn’t have it in him to forgive him and that was before he found out Sam was searching too. He’d never be Dean’s father again and he was a hell of a lot more forgiving than Sam. Dean was almost looking forward to his arrival because even with a gunshot wound and a busted lip he hadn’t seen suffering yet.

“You’re never going to forgive me, are you?”

“Can you change what you did to me, John?”

“Ye…No. No, I can’t.”

“Then no.” Dean said. “I’m not.”

Because Dean had such a hard time talking to John he put his clothes in the washer and then left the house. He didn’t like the idea of his car just sitting in the parking lot even if it wasn’t a car he really loved. It was still his car and he wanted it in his driveway.

His back was feeling a lot better so he walked next door and very nicely asked his neighbor for a ride back to the store. He could have called a cab, but the guy next door was really nice and more than willing to help Dean out. He was one of the older neighbors and his wife was out of town so it wasn’t like he had anything else to do. It was a nice little drive and being Jim for a few minutes helped clear Dean’s head so he could think.

Once he got to the store he got out of one car and right into the other. He didn’t want to loiter because he couldn’t risk running into Tim. Dean still hadn’t called him because he was waiting to line the call up with his lunch break so he wouldn’t disturb him at work. He was almost positive Tim would buy the story so he wasn’t worried about that anymore, but he couldn’t tell such a huge lie to his face, he had to do it over the phone.

The coast was clear and Dean didn’t spot anyone from work. He managed to get behind the wheel of his car and back out of the parking lot with one quick wave at his neighbor. He really wanted to stop at Wendy’s and get his baked potato, but the idea of John taped to a chair in the living room didn’t sit right with him. He was going to fix something at home and because he wasn’t a total psychopath he even decided to get John something to drink and was considering cutting one of his arms loose so he could eat.

Dean realized John wasn’t much of a threat but he wasn’t keeping him taped to the chair for safety concerns. If he was moving around the house by himself Dean would be way too nervous to function. He was always going to expect the worst from John and he felt much better that he had been completely immobilized. Until Sam got there, if he was really coming, Dean wasn’t going to completely let him loose because he wasn’t stupid.

When he was about to pull into his driveway Dean decided to go down the street some and around the corner. John’s truck was right where he expected it to be. It was parked on the street in front of a vacant lot. At least he was smart because he knew not to park in front of Dean’s house. He deserved a little credit for that, though Dean sure as hell wasn’t going to give it to him.

After parking in the driveway Dean got out of his little silver Civic and as always he made the rounds checking it out. It wasn’t the car he wanted to drive, but it was his car so he had to check it out and make sure it was okay. They had douche bags at the store and Dean always checked to make sure no one had opened the door on his car. It was fine, though there was a little bird shit on the roof that hadn’t been there when he left in the morning. He briefly considered hosing it off, but he really didn’t have time or energy to properly wash the car.

Dean had been gone for about ten minutes which probably would have been enough time for John to escape had it been anyone else holding him hostage. Because it was Dean who had secured him to the chair he was right where he left him. He had stopped crying, but he still looked like shit which didn’t really bother Dean at all.

He took his tennis shoes back off and put down his glasses before hanging up both sets of keys just like he had done the first time. The only real difference was that he hadn’t taken his gun, he was still dressed in his pajamas, and John actually had the nerve to welcome him home. Dean ignored that, but he wasn’t going to be a total asshole even if it was all John deserved.

“What do you want to drink?”

“Do you have a beer?”

“It’s before noon.” Dean said as he walked to the refrigerator. “You can’t drink this early in the day.”

“Since when?”

“Those are my rules. Let’s see, I have water, milk, Hawaiian Punch, Coke, Yoo-Hoo, and some orange juice.”

“You still like Yoo-Hoo?”

“What?”

“You loved that when you were a kid. Remember I used to stop at that little store on the way back from the garage and get you a bottle to have with dinner like once a week?”

“I do now.”

Dean had three bottles left and he made sure that John saw him take them out of the refrigerator and toss them in the garbage. John looked hurt which was exactly what Dean had set out to do. He wasn’t going to waste his favorite drink in the world though, he was going to wait until John was gone to put them back in the refrigerator. Shitty memory or not he wasn’t about to really throw away something so delicious.

He knew what John was doing. He was trying his best to remind Dean of the good times they had. He did remember the weekly Yoo-Hoos for dinner and he was always excited when John showed up with one. Mary normally made him drink milk which Dean didn’t really care for. The Yoo-Hoos were a special treat from his dad which was always appreciated.

Reminding Dean of that would have been a lot more effective if John hadn’t stopped being a wonderful and caring father when Mary died. Dean didn’t get any treats after that. When he wanted something special he had to scrounge for money and then buy it himself. He was sure John knew that so it wasn’t going to do any good to bring it up.

“If your mom hadn’t always made a big deal out of it I would have brought you one home everyday.”

“Too little too late.”

“I realize that.” John nodded. “I’ll take Hawaiian Punch then.”

Dean was a little tempted to pour him orange juice out of spite, but instead he poured him an ice cold glass of punch and then pushed John’s chair to the table. Dean had put down a drop cloth under the chair because John had been bleeding, but that had stopped and it made moving the chair a lot easier. He stuck a straw in the glass and set it on top of some cook books, mostly because there was no way he was holding it while John drank.

“Thank you.”

“Yeah.” Dean said as he opened the refrigerator again. “Whatever.”

“Where’d you go?”

“I went to get my car.”

“How’s she holding up?”

“My new car.” Dean sighed. “I bought it after I moved in. It’s a silver Civic hybrid.”

“Was it that important to completely get rid of who you were?”

“It wasn’t about that at all, John. I just couldn’t drive that car because it reminded me of you which is quite frankly nauseating.”

“Did you sell it?”

“No, I left it behind. I wasn’t going to start my life with money from selling it. It was really easy to do since it’s the only thing you ever gave me.”

“Where’d you leave it?”

“I don’t even remember.”

“Would have been easier to find you if you were still driving it I guess.”

“Then it’s a good thing I didn’t drive it.”

John nodded and finally took a sip from his glass. Dean needed to eat something because his stomach was starting to growl a little bit so he was going to make his dinner for lunch and then he could have the leftovers later. He thought he had gotten pretty good at cooking. He still wasn’t ready to open up a restaurant and probably not really confident enough to throw a dinner party, but he hadn’t made himself sick yet so that was good news.

His spaghetti and meat sauce wasn’t anything special, but he did use ground meat and a link or two of Italian sausage. He liked to buy the sausage when it was on sale and then keep it in the freezer. He had taken out two links before bed last night and they were both completely defrosted. He squeezed the meat out of the casings first and then dumped in the pound of ground meat.

When he first started cooking it was just ground meat and a jar of sauce, but then he got a little adventurous. Now it was the meat, some bell peppers, onions, and usually about ten cloves of garlic left whole so he could fish them out when he ate. He had to get the meat browned first, so he started with that and put on a pot of water before grabbing everything that needed to be chopped so he could do it sitting down.

“What are you making?”

“Spaghetti and meat sauce.”

“You put sausage in it?” John asked. “That sounds good.”

“I saw it on a show.” Dean shrugged. “I…well, I watch the cooking shows sometimes, but I got some books too.”

“What else do you make?”

“Macaroni and cheese a lot. I’m saving to buy this grill at work so I can make burgers and steaks, stuff like that.”

“Is it one of those big silver ones? I saw them when I was at the store.”

“Yeah, they’re on sale sometimes and usually at the end of the summer you can get the floor model pretty cheap. I told my manager I’d like dibs on it. Last week I fried pork chops, but they kind of got dry. Still good though.”

“I like pork chops.”

“Me too.”

“Do you like working there?” John asked. “Seems like something you might be good at.”

“Pays the bills.”

When John smiled before taking another sip from his glass Dean realized he had just done the one thing he didn’t want to do. He didn’t want to have a casual conversation about food or work with John. He didn’t even want to look at him or talk to him. John probably didn’t even care about cooking and Dean actually allowed himself to think he was interested. All he was doing was buttering him up and asking questions to keep him talking.

Dean couldn’t fall for that because the only thing talking was going to lead to was trust and then maybe even forgiveness and understanding. He promised himself a long time ago he was never going to forgive John for what he had done and he was furious for falling for it and even more so for enjoying the conversation a little.

It was getting easier to talk to him because he knew who Dean really was. With Tim, other people at work, or even the neighbors Dean was always trying to remember his back-story so he didn’t fuck up. That made every conversation he had stressful and he couldn’t enjoy them they way he should have. He could be talking to ten people at once and still feel lonely, but he didn’t feel lonely with John. He felt like Dean again.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had Hawaiian Punch.”

“I like the red one.” Dean said as he finished chopping the onion. “It’s the best.”

“Yeah, it’s not bad.” John nodded. “The house is nice.”

“Yeah.”

“I wish I would have looked around before you tied me up.”

“I don’t really have much worth snooping through.”

“I meant to check it out.” John said. “Is it two bedrooms?”

“Yeah, two bedrooms, one full bath and then a half bath. I don’t know why there’s a half bath. I guess because the other bathroom is inside the bedroom.”

“If people have kids I guess.” John shrugged. “They don’t need to go into their parent’s bedroom in the middle of the night to piss.”

“I use the other room as a guest room.” Dean said as he stood back up. “It’s not much but there’s a bed in there, I’m going to get a desk.”

“Maybe Sam could stay with you. You’re close enough for him to go back to school in Fall.”

“I doubt he’d want to do that da…John.”

“I hope he will.”

Dean stared down at his big pot on the stove. He broke up the ground meat and sausage before dumping in his cutting board full of goodies. He liked to leave the bell pepper and onion pieces really big and he didn’t even bother chopping the garlic at all. He just took a few cloves out of the jar and tossed them in.

His back was to John and Dean was happy about that because he didn’t want him to see his face. Had he seen how hopeful Dean looked he probably would have smiled and torn down another barrier between them. Dean didn’t want to get close to John and he really didn’t want to get his hopes up that Sam was going to show up on a white horse with shining armor. That would have been perfect and Dean was smart enough to not expect that in his life. If he did show up he was probably only going to yell just like John had.

“Smells good already.”

“Thanks.” Dean said without turning around. “When’s the last time you ate?”

“I got a burger yesterday afternoon.”

“When’s the last time you slept?”

“I had to stop last night. I was on the East coast when a friend of Bobby’s called me. I drove for three days until I couldn’t keep my eyes open.”

“Three days, huh. What were you doing over there?”

“Working a case.”

“What was it?” Dean asked as he turned around. “Was it like…”

“I was looking for you.” John said. “All I’ve been doing is looking for you.”

“In between cases?”

“No, Dean, just looking for you.”

“What uh…what are you going to do now that you found me?”

“Well.” John said before he forced a laughed. “I guess that’s really up to you and Sam.”

“You’re lying.” Dean said. “I don’t believe you. You spend twenty years ignoring me and…and I’m expected to believe that…”

“I had both sons leave me. I knew where Sam was, I needed to find you, Dean. You don’t have to believe me, I’ve given you no reason to believe or trust me, but I’m telling the truth. I was only looking for you.”

It would have been so much easier to keep thinking that John was lying. Dean believed him when he said he was looking, but he wanted to think that he was only doing it when he had free time between jobs. He knew he was telling the truth though because he kept his eyes on Dean the entire time and his voice was more genuine that ever before. He really had realized that the world wasn’t worth saving it you didn’t have anyone to save it for.

Dean got out his bottle of Aleve and tossed two of the pills in John’s mouth because he knew his shoulder had to be killing him. He didn’t feel sorry for him and he was never going to apologize but he didn’t want him in pain. Dean felt stranger than he ever had because he sensed a change in John, a change that told him he might actually be the father him and Sam deserved. He still couldn’t get his hopes up though, but he could make him a little more comfortable.

When he taped him to the chair he wrapped the tape around his stomach, chest and legs before doing his arms and hands. Dean cut the tape off his hands first and then freed up his arms. He wasn’t really to let him to completely free him, but John’s honesty had earned him a little bit of comfort.

As soon as Dean was done pulling away the thick layer of duct tape John wasted no time in rather roughly scratching the side of his head. He looked a little funny, and in spite of himself Dean smiled when he was sure John couldn’t see him. It was another little memory from his childhood when John would scratch his head and then tell Dean that he had fleas.

“That’s been driving me crazy.” John said as he scratched his head harder. “Must have fleas.”

“Yeah.” Dean said as he dumped in the spaghetti. “Maybe.”

“You really don’t have to leave me tied up, Dean.”

“You’re taped up and yes, I do.”

“I’m not going to hurt you, son.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Do you want me to call you Jim?”

“No.” Dean whispered. “You can call me Dean. Is Sam really coming?”

“Yeah, he said about three or four hours.”

“You promise?”

“Yes, I promise you that Sam will be here before the end of the day.”

“How…how’s he doing.” Dean asked while he stirred the pasta. “Is he okay at school?”

“I don’t really know.” John said. “Uh, when we talk it’s not really any personal stuff. He’s just really talking to me to find out what I knew and to tell me what he knew. He did mention he almost lost his scholarship though.”

“Why?” Dean asked as he spun around. “What happened?”

“As soon as his classes are over on Friday he’s on the road. He missed a lot of classes when he was flying out of town. Right after Christmas he told me that he was going to drop out so he could look for you full time, but I told him that’s not what you would have wanted. That’s when he told me about the scholarship.”

“School is the most important thing in the whole world to him, he wouldn’t drop out…”

“Second most.” John smiled. “He worked it out, and he’s still got his scholarship, don’t worry about it. I don’t think he would have been able to keep it if it wasn’t for you, Dean.”

“Ten, nine, eight…”

“Dean?”

“Seven, six, five…”

“Hey, was that garden here when you moved in?” John asked. “It’s really nice, probably the nicest on the street.”

“What?” Dean asked after he opened his eyes. “What?”

“Your garden.” John said as he gestured with his head. “It’s really nice. Did you do that?”

“Yeah, uh…well, when the plants start to look a little sick we can’t sell them anymore. They always throw them away so I asked if I could have them. Most of them just need to be planted in the ground and get a little water.”

“It looks great.”

“Thanks.” Dean smiled. “And…thanks for changing the subject.”

“No, problem.”

“Do you like a lot of meat sauce or just a little with more spaghetti?”

“I like a lot of sauce.”

“Do you want some?” Dean shrugged. “I made enough.”

“Yeah, I’d really like that, I’m hungry.”

“Okay.”

Dean nodded and then turned back to his stove. He got a jar of sauce and dumped it in before giving it one good stir. He really like when the bell peppers still had a bit of a crunch but it probably needed to cook for another few minutes to soften up the garlic and onions. His spaghetti was coming along nicely though and he had enough for him and John to have a rather generous portion. He could always make something else for dinner since he’d be cooking for three. Sam really was on his way and it didn’t matter if there was a white horse or not.

“I like a lot of sauce too.” Dean said as he stirred the pasta. “Did you know that?”

“Yeah, Dean, I did.”

When Dean called Tim he made that sure John knew to not talk, sneeze, or even clear his throat. He didn’t want him to make a sound because he didn’t want Tim to think something was really wrong and rush in to save the day. The thought of him doing that actually made Dean smile because he knew he’d do it. He had seen just how frightening John was and he’d still get to the house and knock down the door.

He was sort of like a big brother to Dean which was a very nice change of pace. His protectiveness wasn’t really obvious but sometimes Dean would notice a little gesture like the kind of gestures he had made towards Sam when they were growing up. Tim looked out for him, kept him safe, and always made sure he was okay. Dean was old enough to take care of himself, but he still liked it.

The first time he had really taken care of him was about a month after Dean was working at the store. They were already the best of friends and though Dean was in a really bad place at the time he still enjoyed the company and the way Tim made him feel. Even then when they had just become friends he was still a little protective because he saw something in Dean that needed to be taken care of. He was so vulnerable at the time and Tim was really the only person Dean felt comfortable with.

On the day Tim actually protected him Dean had cut a piece of plywood for a giant of a man. His head was shaved and he had more than a few tattoos that made Dean really uncomfortable. There was a swastika on his enormous bicep and more than a few inverted crosses. He just looked mean and he didn’t ask Dean for help, he told him to help.

Because he was still relatively new Dean had accidentally measured his piece of wood wrong. He was just off by an inch or so and that was enough to have the man come back an hour later screaming about the faggot cocksucker who wasted his fucking time. Dean was still in pretty good shape then and if it wasn’t for his still bruised body he probably could have taken him, but Jim wasn’t a fighter, he went with the flow and let people call him a cocksucker.

He was actually scared when the man came back yelling about wasted time and how he was going to get Dean fired. He kept booting up like he was going to punch him, but he never got the chance. Tim had come over to talk since things were slow and he smoothed everything over. He gave the man a free gift card and cut the new piece of wood himself even though it wasn’t his job, it was Dean’s.

Being threatened by someone so angry hit a little too close to home and the second the big angry man left Dean just broke down. He didn’t cry because he wouldn’t do that in public, but his entire body started to shake and it got very difficult to breathe. Looking back he was probably having a full blow panic attack, but Tim was there and took his hand to lead him into the back where the lounge was.

He bought Dean a coke, got him a candy bar, and even stole a sandwich out of someone else’s lunch. They were alone for ten whole minutes while their departments were unmanned. Dean was a little worried about getting in trouble, but he didn’t care enough to go back where he belonged. Someone else could handle it while he was busy with a friend who had the kindest eyes and didn’t make fun of him for getting upset like some guys would have.

That was the day Dean started to wonder if maybe he could be happy with Tim or if they could be happy together. Dean wasn’t necessarily attracted to him, but he liked the way he made him feel and he started to wonder if physical attraction didn’t really matter when he had that. It would have been nice to be with him, but Dean never made a move and he honestly never expected that Tim would especially out of nowhere.

The phone had barely started to ring when Tim picked up and he didn’t even bother with saying hello. He just said Dean’s fake name and then breathed a sigh of relief when he heard that he was actually okay. He said he had been so worried and was actually thinking about blowing off the rest of the day to check on him which was very nice but not necessary.

Dean told him the whole story he had invented in the shower while John was sitting at the kitchen table trying his best to pretend like he wasn’t listening. He told Tim all about his crazy uncle John and how he thought he was someone else. He totally bought the story which was a little heartbreaking and Dean felt terrible that he had entertained the idea of a relationship with someone who didn’t know a single real thing about him.

“He’s my dad’s uncle, it’s complicated, but they came and picked him up, it’s okay, I promise.”

“I was really worried, man.”

“I know, thank you, I’m fine though and hey, I got two days off of work.”

“At least some good came out of it, huh?” Tim asked. “I need a crazy uncle.”

“Yeah, some good.” Dean smiled.

“So is dinner still on with your parents because of this stuff?”

“Yeah, I’m going to talk to my parents about him tonight so I doubt I’ll be making to the bar.”

“That’s cool, you gotta look out for your family first.”

“I guess so.” Dean laughed. “Yeah.”

“I uh…I know you usually do dinner with your family most weekends, but uh…I’m just putting it out there if you wanted to get dinner with me, you know, if you had the time.”

“Oh.”

“We could…” Tim said before he laughed. “You know like I could pick you up in my broken down car and we could go see a movie first and then get something to eat. I guess it would be on me…”

“Like a…”

“Yeah, just us.”

Dean nodded for some reason though he knew Tim couldn’t see or hear that over the phone. He was obviously asking Dean out on a date and of course the world just so happened to have him make a move on the worst possible day. Dean knew why he did it though. Tim was scared when John was in the store and he knew him well enough to know that he had spent the last two hours wondering if things were going to be okay and imagining what he would do if they weren’t. He had reevaluated their friendship and decided to go for it.

The only phone Dean had was attached to the wall in the kitchen so as much as he would have liked to get some distance from John and his glass of Hawaiian Punch he couldn’t. He had no idea what to say and really no idea what he wanted to say. If John wasn’t in his kitchen and Sam wasn’t on his way Dean thought he might have said yes and actually allowed himself to try to be happy. Even with Sam on the way Dean still briefly considered saying yes, a thought that made his stomach clench and his back pain flare up.

If he was with a guy like Tim he knew he’d be the one finally getting taken care of. Tim would probably pull out his chair, he might pick up some flowers for no reason at all, and probably even rub his back when it didn’t hurt. Dean knew he could never realistically expect those types of things from Sam and he didn’t really want them from anyone, but still, he could get them from Tim.

The reason his stomach clenched so suddenly was because Dean knew that Tim wouldn’t sleep with him, tell him he loved him, make plans to spend his life with him, and then just change his mind in the morning. That was exactly what Sam had done and though he left because of things that were out of his control he still left. He left Dean all alone after promising him they’d grow old together with fancy lawyer money in the bank.

“Jim?”

“Sorry.” Dean said as he shook his head. “Um, I’m really flattered, but uh…”

“Neither am I! I…I…I’ve never even considered anything like that, but I uh…you know I was dating Stephanie for a while and there was all this bullshit, there’s none of that with you.”

“She was really pretty.”

“But I was thinking of you when we were together. Oh shit, shit, Jim, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, man. I was just thinking about you for the past few hours and if I didn’t at least try I was going to go crazy, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Dean whispered. “It’s okay, just take a deep breath.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Listen uh…I’m really flattered and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested, but I need you as my friend, Tim. I’ve screwed up so much in my life and I can’t lose you as a friend, my best friend, my only friend, really.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Not at all.” Dean smiled. “I’m glad you said something.”

“I think it’s just so comfortable with you. Maybe you’d be happy, I thought I could do that.”

“You already do, trust me. I’m not upset or mad, but I can’t screw up our friendship.”

“Okay.” Tim said before he laughed. “Hey, I walked to Wendy’s, I’m gonna eat a potato for you.”

“Thanks.” Dean laughed. “Do you need a ride home or anything?”

“Nah, I can call my mom to pick me up. Listen, you call me if you need anything.”

“I…”

“Anything.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” Tim said. “See you at work on Monday, Jimmy.”

“See ya.”

Dean put the phone back on the receiver and listened to the almost silent click as it settled into place. John was still at the kitchen table and Dean was sure the meat sauce was done, but he needed a minute alone. He didn’t say anything when he left the kitchen and neither did John because he was probably waiting to get all the juicy details while they ate in an attempt to reforge their bond as father and son.

The garden in the front of the house was nice, but the one in the back was pretty amazing and it was Dean’s favorite place to just sit and be alone. In the front of the house he had to pay some attention to the way things were planted since he took great pride in his home and didn’t want to risk everything looking overgrown and wild.

That was exactly what the garden in the back looked like. The only thing he paid attention to on the plant markers was whether something needed sun or shade. He put down everything he could get his hands on and watered it once a day as soon as the sun went down. It was all so lush and everything was growing over everything else. The backyard was pretty big and half of Dean’s six foot white wooden fence was obscured by overgrown flowers, vegetables, and even a few strawberry plants which were doing pretty well.

The birds were getting at the strawberries and the tomatoes were always a little on the small side, but Dean didn’t care. He wasn’t trying to win awards or grow his dinner, he just liked that he had a place to clear his thoughts. Just being out there for a few minutes did the trick and smelling the herbs on the breeze reminded him of just how hungry he was.

“You okay?” John asked as Dean walked back into the kitchen. “Hard not to listen.”

“Yeah uh, just my friend Tim.”

“Like a special friend?”

“No, John, like a regular friend, who is a guy. He’s a guy and he’s my friend, that’s it. What the hell does special friend mean anyway?”

“Like a…life partner or a um…lover.”

“A boyfriend?”

“Whatever you want to call it. I don’t really know.”

“Neither do I, but he’s just a friend who is a guy.”

“Kid’s got some balls on him.” John laughed. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Do you want to listen?” Dean asked while he fixed their plates. “It’s no big deal.”

“I’d be happy to listen, Dean.”

“He’s just my friend and he asked me if I wanted to go out with him.”

“Do you?”

“A little I guess, but if Sam comes back and…if he really was looking for me as soon as he left then that changes things. Tim doesn’t really know anything about me, it wouldn’t be fair to him because he likes Jim, not me.”

“I’m really bad at this.”

“At what?”

“Advice I guess.” John laughed. “Not that you want my advice, but I wouldn’t know what to say anyway. I think it’s good you told him about how you two are friends, at least he won’t think it’s a problem with him.”

“You’re really uncomfortable.”

“I guess so. I just always thought with all the girls you dated that…Well, I never thought you’d be…gay.”

“I just dated them.”

“What?”

“I dated them.” Dean said again. “I didn’t sleep with any of them.”

“Why not?”

“Because I was waiting for Sammy.”

“Are…are you telling me you’ve never been with a woman?”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve never fucked a woman?”

“No.” Dean sighed. “Never.”

“Just like fooling around and getting head?”

“Nothing below the neck with any woman. No fooling around, no oral sex, I’ve never seen a woman naked in real life.”

John looked more shocked by that than anything else which was probably to be expected. Dean knew he wanted to have a life with Sam long before he was even old enough to consider having sex with anyone. When he was in school he dated some girls but he knew it wasn’t going anywhere. If he slept with them, he would have gotten off but he would have been using them and the experience would have meant more to them even if it was fantastic for him. His heart would have never been in it because he had given that to Sam the moment he came into the world and Dean didn’t ever want it back.

“How…how long were you waiting?”

“Uh…his whole life.” Dean said before he put a plate down in front of John. “I’ve never seen a kid so happy in my life. I see the kids at the store and they’re just screaming their lungs out for no reason. Sam was always smiling when he was really young. He was smiling at me.”

“I understand that you love your brother, but I’m wondering when you wanted to be with him.”

“I can’t answer that.”

“Why?”

“Because I just can’t. When he was born…I remember wondering what it would be like if he got to stay home like mom and I got to go to work on big cars that made noises they shouldn’t. I could figure out why they were making those noises and then come home to him and tell him all about it.”

“Like me and your mom.”

“Yeah.” Dean nodded. “Then I was wondering about holding his hand when I saw kids at school doing that, and then kissing him when I found out about that and why people did it when they loved someone. Then eventually when I was old enough to know why adults slept in the same bed I wanted to do that with him too.”

“How old do you think you were?”

“Twelve maybe.” Dean said as he started at his spaghetti. “Yeah, twelve.”

Dean couldn’t admit that while he was actually looking at John because he knew he couldn’t understand. All those things Dean had wanted to do since the time Sam was born wasn’t just because he wanted to do them it was because that was how he thought two people built a life together.

When he was four he only understood his mom as someone who cooked dinner and listened to stories of what his dad did during the day. Dean knew he’d be as tall as John one day and he simply couldn’t imagine eating a meal with or talking to anyone except his best friend who had been born just for him.

Holding hands, kissing, and even sex once he found out about it were what two people in love did. He was twelve at the time and Sam was only eight, but it wasn’t sexual, it was the idea of a life together doing those things that was so appealing to Dean. He knew the real question John was asking, but until he actually asked it he wasn’t going to volunteer an answer.

“I think I get that.”

“You do?”

“You saw what people in love do and you wanted to do the same.” John said. “It’s understandable with the way I raised you two never making friends or putting down roots.”

“I guess so.”

“I guess what I’m trying to ask is when you actually…uh, shit…” John sighed. “I know you’ve been jerking off since you were about twelve. Were you thinking about Sam then?”

“Yeah.”

“Dean, he was eight years old.”

“And you automatically assume that I was making myself feel good and thinking about fucking my eight year old little brother?”

“What the hell else would you be thinking about?”

“Things that made me happy.” Dean whispered. “Imagining what it would be like if Sam and I got off that big yellow bus and mom was waiting for us after school. I was imagining how I might feel if you took us fishing one weekend, or if we just went to the park so he could play. I was thinking about birthdays and Christmas mornings where you were actually there even if we were in a shitty motel with no heat.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even think someone would masturbate to something that just made them happy.”

“Then I’m really not surprised that you think I raped him.”

Dean knew what he was doing when he was twelve years old and trying to fall asleep or sitting on the shower floor. He knew he was trying to get himself off and that the act itself was sexual, but when Sam was that young it was never about sex with him. When Dean had an orgasm he felt good, his whole body felt good and those orgasms were always a result of the happiness he had in his head that would never really happen. It was just a different type of fantasy and he had no shame about what he had done. He never once thought about having sex with Sam until they were both older.

“Was it ever sexual?”

“Of course it was.”

“When did that happen?”

“When the rolled up socks started showing up under his bed. He told me that night we…he told me that night he was always thinking about me.”

“He was like thirteen.” John said. “He idolized you. Why did you wait so long?”

“Why do you think I waited so long?”

“Because you didn’t know if he felt the same way I guess.”

“Wow.” Dean whispered. “I’m a little more observant than that, John.”

“Then why?”

“Because I didn’t want to sleep with my little brother.” Dean said. “I wanted to be with a man. I wanted us both to be mature enough to know what we were doing.”

“I guess I’m the world’s biggest asshole.”

“I’m not going to argue with you there.”

“What if he had told you he wanted to have sex with you when he was thirteen?”

“Then we both would have had a very long five year wait.” Dean said before he finally decided to start eating. “And for the record he did want to.”

“I really didn’t need to know that, Dean.”

“Oh, it’s fine to make me a rapist, but you don’t want to hear that your precious Sam wanted to voluntarily be with someone he loved and who loved him when he was thirteen?”

“I don’t want to remember that little boy and only think about that.”

“It’s too bad you weren’t around more, you just might have learned something else about him that would take the place of thinking about that.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

Dean had twirled spaghetti around his fork about forty times, but he had yet to actually eat any. While John was twirling his he finally had a bite and it was pretty damn good. He didn’t go for that al dente pasta shit so it was nice and mushy with was perfect paired with his meat sauce.

“Wow!”

“Is it too hot?”

“No, it’s really good.” John said. “I think this is better than your mom’s.”

“Really?” Dean smiled. “You think so?”

“It’s definitely close. She was a great cook.”

“Are you just saying that to get me on your side?”

“No.” John said without giving it a second thought. “I don’t deserve you on my side, Dean.”

“Well, we’re finally making some progress.”

“Is there any more left?”

“You took one bite. Maybe you should finish what you have.”

“I will, but I’m still going to want some more. Wow.”

John was always a messy eater because he didn’t have to bother with manners in the front seat of his truck or in dive diners. He was really going to town on his plate of spaghetti and meat sauce and Dean saw that he looked genuinely happy. He might have listened to the story about Tim and then Sam just so he could get a little closer, but he wasn’t faking an interest in the food, he really did love it and that meant something to Dean.

“I’ll let you go after we eat.”

“I’m not going anywhere until Sam gets here.”

“I meant I’d untie you. You cleaned me out of Hawaiian Punch, I’m sure you have to piss, you can take a shower, get cleaned up.”

“Thank you, Dean.”

“Yeah.” Dean said before he went back to his spaghetti. “No problem.”

Once they were done eating and after Dean had washed the pots and the dishes he kept his word. He was a little tempted to clean the entire kitchen just to put it off but he had said he would untape John and he was going to do it. Putting the tape on had been easy because it came off the roll effortlessly but taking it of was an entirely different experience.

Dean split it all with the scissors but because he had been so scared of John he wrapped him up pretty tight. John wasn’t able to just stand up and peel the tape off in one big sheet, Dean had to loosen things up first. It took longer than he thought it would, but John was helping out as best he could since he really did have to pee. Dean was a little pissed that he had gotten the sticky adhesive all over one of his chairs, but he had a few things under the sink that could probably clean it up.

John was actually pretty smart because once he was out of the chair and mostly mobile he just pulled his shirt off. He still had his undershirt on though so he didn’t make Dean feel awkward. The jeans ended up taking the longest but they got through it and then John was just standing in front of Dean while there was a huge ball of duct tape on the table.

Dean knew John was looking for a hug, but he really wasn’t there yet. He couldn’t hug him like he was his dad because there was way too much baggage for that. John seemed to realize that as well and stuck out his hand, but Dean couldn’t do that either, he shook his head and then tried to busy himself with stuffing all the duct tape into the garbage after he took out the Yoo-Hoo. John seemed to enjoy that which was Dean’s version of affection to make up for the hug and the handshake.

“Can I go get my bag out the truck?” John asked. “Maybe take a shower?”

“Yeah, I’ll throw your dirty clothes in the washer if you want.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Yeah.” Dean said as he stared into the garbage can. “Leave your truck there though, I don’t…I don’t want it in front of my house.”

“Not a problem.”

It was a good thing John had on such a dark undershirt because no one would see the blood once he was outside. Dean couldn’t even really see it though he knew it was there. He hadn’t really bled all that much, but it was enough to hurt him and slow him down just a little bit.

After he walked out the door Dean moved his clothes from the washer and into the dryer. Doing laundry was one of his favorite things because he could do it at home and didn’t have to bother with packing everything up and then driving somewhere only to spend an hour waiting. It was nice to have it so convenient right in the kitchen. Sometimes he even took off his clothes at the end of the day and tossed them in the washer before walking naked to the bathroom for a shower. That was nice and something simple he enjoyed about his new life.

Dean had the dryer started and was working on wiping off the stove when John made it back inside. He still had his boots on but because he had seen Dean come home twice he took them off and put them on the rug next to the door. It was a very nice gesture and Dean did appreciate it. Tim’s shoes were the only other ones that had ever been on that rug and soon enough Sam’s would be next to John’s on the other side of Dean’s.

Instead of just walking down the only hallway in the house and trying one of the three doors John waited right where he was standing. That was another little gesture because he obviously didn’t want to just start traipsing thorough someone else’s house. He seemed to be learning which made Dean feel a lot less nervous about letting him out of the chair. He didn’t even ask for his gun back and he usually slept with the damn thing.

After the stove was wiped off Dean walked back to John and sort of gestured with his head. He was right behind him in a second and because he had wanted to see the rest of the house Dean took him on a very short tour. The house was small and there really wasn’t much to see at all. He showed him the little half-bath and then the guest room office which just had the bed in it. John could have pretended like he was impressed but he just kind of nodded because there wasn’t anything impressive about either room.

When Dean opened the door to his room and turned on the light John actually did compliment the color of his bedspread and how neat everything was. Dean didn’t have much in there but the bed was made, the closet doors were open, and inside was very neat. He had a little table next to his bed with a lamp and a clock as well as a stack of books, and an empty dresser against the wall, but that was it. He spent most of his time in the living room and was only in the bedroom to sleep really so there was no reason to have a lot of stuff in there.

Once they were in the bathroom Dean got John a towel and then waited while he picked out some clean clothes to wear. He pulled out a t-shirt first and then a pair of faded gray sweatpants and some underwear. Everything was wrinkled and just shoved in there with his dirty clothes. The clothes he was pulling out weren’t even really clean, but they were the cleanest of the bunch apparently. Dean was going to wash them all just to be on the safe side and he was even a little tempted to fold them because all those wrinkles were driving him crazy.

“Why do you have so many bottles of shampoo?”

“What?”

“There’s...” John paused. “You have ten bottles of shampoo.”

“Five.”

The shower curtain was pulled back since Dean was just in there about an hour ago and he wanted to let everything dry. His five bottles of shampoo were all lined up on the surround of the tub next to their matching bottles of conditioner. He had one for everyday of the work week and then picked whatever he felt like on the weekends. It wasn’t some obsessive compulsive thing and he certainly wasn’t testing them out to find the ones he liked best, they were just there as reading material.

“Oh, five are conditioner.”

“Yeah, uh…There’s a really good water heater so the water stays hot for a long time.” Dean said. “It feels pretty good on my back so I like to read the back of the bottles while I’m in there.”

“Makes sense.” John shrugged. “Will you wash these jeans I’m wearing for me?”

“Yeah, I’m going to have to do more than one load, I’ll get them when you’re done.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m used to those big washers where you shove everything in at once.”

“You shouldn’t do that. It’s better to wash lights and darks.”

“Just socks and underwear.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Uh, I turned the water heater up, so be careful when you get in there, it’s pretty hot.”

“Thanks, I’ll just be a few minutes.”

“Take your time.”

“Can I borrow a pair of socks?” John asked. “If that’s okay.”

“I’ll put them on the bed.”

“Thanks.”

Dean nodded and then walked out of the bathroom with John’s bag. It wasn’t really that big but Dean struggled with it a little. He was always carrying wood at work, but that was with the brace on and not after he walked through the woods for three miles. He was really hoping John took his suggestion because he needed to lie down for a while either with the heating pad or the ice pack.

Before he could do that he wanted to get the clothes started. He figured there were probably two dark loads and then a load of just socks and underwear. He did those first since they were always the dirtiest and while he normally washed lights with hot water he turned the dial so John wouldn’t get a shock in the shower. Since he was up he separated the rest of the clothes into two green plastic baskets. He was sure John would want to take over after he was done with the shower and Dean wasn’t about to let him overload the washing machine since he had already screwed up his life enough.

When the washer was started Dean tried to crack his back a little hoping that for once it might help, but of course it didn’t. The ice pack was only going to make him numb for a little while, but he got in about ten minutes of heat that could do wonders. He decided on the heating pad because of that and it was in the bedroom so it would give him an excuse to be in there when John came out of the bathroom. Dean didn’t have anything to snoop through but he didn’t want to make it easy.

Dean had been through about five heating pads until he found one that got really hot which surprisingly was the cheapest one. It was probably because it was a fire hazard or some kind of shit like that but Dean never left it on unless it was under him so he wasn’t that worried about it. It was the only thing under his bed, there weren’t even any dust bunnies which made him laugh as he reached for it and then plugged it in.

It took about a minute, but the heat came on and Dean’s entire body relaxed. On the advice of Tim he had tried some adhesive heat packs during the day when he was at work, but they were awkward and just made him sweat a lot. The heating pad was really the only thing that worked. Dean even pulled up his shirt some so there would be less of a barrier. He had tired it without the soft blue cover and ended up with what felt like a really bad sunburn for about a week, but without his shirt it was nice.

Most nights he fell asleep with the heating pad under his back. It only stayed on for twenty minutes before it would shut itself off, but those twenty minutes were usually all Dean needed to put himself to sleep. He was always exhausted at the end of the day because of work and the emotional drain of maintaining a life that was a lie. Sometimes he jerked off to fall asleep, but most of the time he was fine with the heat.

Dean actually felt himself drifting off a little when the sound of the shower stopping jolted him completely awake. He wasn’t even comfortable with John in the house when he was taped to the chair so there was no way he could actually sleep. It was just barely 1:30 and he was already exhausted. There was no telling what type of shape he would be when he actually got to go to sleep at the end of the day.

Thinking about that made Dean wonder if he’d be sleeping alone or if Sam would be next to him when he fell asleep. There was even a chance that the impossible would happen and Dean might even have actual sex for the first time in thirteen months and only the second time in his life. He couldn’t dwell on that too long though because it didn’t seem likely that him and Sam could get to that same comfort they had when they slept together the first time and Dean really didn’t want John to walk out to see he had a fucking hard-on.

The likelihood of getting a hard-on seemed pretty slim though. Most nights it took Dean longer than he had to get it up and even longer to actually come. In the thirteen months since he slept with Sam he had probably gotten off less then twenty times which was something he didn’t like to think about too much because his body was fucked up enough without more problems though he realized it wasn’t physical, it was just emotional.

When John walked out of the bathroom there was a huge cloud of steam behind him that dissipated into the ceiling. He already had on his pants and was holding onto his shirt in his left hand. He was still in pretty good shape, but Dean really only paid attention to the bright red flush of his skin which meant he either didn’t listen to the warning about the water or he just had a really great shower.

The sutured bullet wound in his shoulder was covered with a new patch. Those were in one of the drawers so he had obviously gone looking for it, but Dean didn’t really care since bathrooms were the obvious place most people probably kept first aid stuff. There was a little dime sized spot of red against the bright white bandage, but the bleeding had mostly stopped.

“I took a bandage.”

“Okay.”

“I figured they were in there, top drawer, but I did look in the medicine cabinet first.”

“It’s okay.” Dean nodded. “I should have told you where they were.”

“You okay?”

“Heating pad, it helps my back some.”

“It’s really bad?” John asked as he pulled on his shirt. “I could get some money if you need surgery or something.”

“It’s just when I overdo it. I have insurance I just haven’t gotten around to going to the doctor and the extra weight doesn’t help anything.”

“It’s a little uh…” John said before he cracked a smile. “Never mind.”

“It’s a little what?”

“You’ve got a little belly, little pooch.”

“I really don’t need you to tell me I’m fat, but thanks for noticing.”

“You’re still look good Dean. You had that when you were a kid, your mom called it a Buddha belly. It’s cute, was, it was cute.”

Dean looked down his chest at his stomach which was just sticking up instead of being flat like it once was. He heard some dick at work call him fat about two weeks ago behind his back but Dean didn’t really care. It wasn’t really that noticeable when he was dressed and he didn’t get undressed for anyone so his weight didn’t matter.

“I don’t remember that.”

“You were like two. You went through this phase where you didn’t eat and we were always running around, getting exercise with me or your mom. Uh, socks?”

“In the closet.” Dean pointed. “You know if you ever find what killed her it’s not going to bring her back.”

“I…I know that, Dean.” John said as he walked to the closet. “It’s not about that.”

“What’s it about then?”

“When I look in the mirror, I don’t see myself, you know? I see the seventeen year old boy she fell in love with. She was my whole world until you and Sammy were born, the only thing that mattered. I’m not going to lie and say it’s not about revenge because it is, but what happened to our family…that could happen to someone else and I don’t want anyone to go through what I did.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell us that?”

“Because I couldn’t.”

“Then why are you telling me now?”

John sighed and laughed very quietly before he tired to sit down on the bed. Dean nodded to give his permission because he really wanted to know what the hell was going on in John’s head. Dean honestly always thought it was just about the revenge. They helped people along the way, but those were things that just came up. He had no idea that John was hunting whatever killed Mary because he didn’t want some other seventeen year old boy to end up like him one day.

“Because I guess I feel like you and I are really talking for the first time.” John said as he pulled on the socks. “You just told me a lot of stuff that you’ve never really talked about and it makes me feel like I can talk to you.”

“Thanks for telling me.”

“Thanks for making me realize I could.”

“When Sam gets here…if…if things go the way we both wanted them to…are you going to be around knowing that we’re…”

“In love?”

“Yeah. Together and in a relationship with each other. Are you going to be able to look past us being brothers?”

“I don’t think we’re going to have to worry about that Dean.” John smiled. “Sammy isn’t going to want me around.”

“All he’s ever wanted is a father. I don’t think he’s going to let some stupid fight you two had get in the way of having that.”

“It’s not that. I…This morning when I called I told him that I thought you did something he didn’t want and that I…overacted and broke your nose.”

“He’s coming here under the impression that you just threw a punch?” Dean asked as he pushed himself up. “You didn’t tell him what happened?”

“Dean, the doctors said if you woke up it would be a miracle and that you were never going to walk again. How can I tell Sammy that I’m responsible for that? How can I tell him I nearly killed and crippled his brother?”

“Do you want me to lie to him about this? “

“No, no, of course not.”

“Yeah, you do.”

“He’s never going to want to see me again.” John said as he shook his head. “If you just…you could say you got hurt at work and we’ll… we’ll make sure to get you to the doctor and I’ll help out if he’s at school if you need surgery. I’ll find the money for your nose, it’ll be like it never happened and we can put all of this behind us.”

“What a great idea because it’s the physical pain and the bump in my nose that really hurts. You think I could have a quick surgery on my back and I’ll just forget about the look on your face when you were beating me?”

“I know it doesn’t fix anything, but there’s no reason why Sam has to know, it’s just going to upset him.”

“I just told you I couldn’t have a relationship with someone I really like because all I do is lie to him. I can’t lie to Sam, I won’t.”

“But…”

“No.”

John put his head in his hands and just kept shaking it. He was sitting on the same side of the bed that Dean was on and the only thing he could really think about was if he had done the same thing for that week in the hospital. Dean really only knew what the doctors, nurses, and John had told him. He had no idea if John stayed by his side the entire time or if he cried or prayed. Lying to Sam was absolutely out of the question, but as much as Dean hated himself for it he understood where John was coming from. He could have just ignored him quietly crying into his hands, but Dean wanted to be better than that. He wanted to be a good man and maybe even a good son to John who certainly didn’t deserve him.

“John.”

“What do I have to do for you to stop calling me that?”

“This morning when you found me I was ready to run again.” Dean said. “We got to talk, we got to connect and you’ve done everything I wanted. You helped me out, you listened. I’m not going to forgive you for a long time, because I can’t, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I do and…Sam might too, but you can’t lie to him or expect me to. That’s not fair. He’s going to want to know what happened and I’m going to tell him. We’ll go from there.”

“Okay.” John nodded. “Will you just…will you tell me you know how sorry I am, Dean? You’ve got to know what I’ve put myself through because of this, please just tell me you know that I’m sorry.”

“I know, dad.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah.” Dean said before he sighed. “Can you get me something to drink and two more pills?”

“Of course.” John said as he stood up. “Uh, what would…”

“Orange juice.”

“Okay. If you roll over I could…I’ll rub your back for you if you think that would help. Maybe I could go buy one of those massagers and you can use that while you’re watching television or something.”

“I’m okay with the heating pad.”

“Okay.” John smiled. “Just uh, wanted to offer to help you out, if I could. I’ll get your pills.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, no prob…”

John trailed off when they both heard the frantic knocking on the front door. Dean didn’t have enough time with the heating pad, but he was up off the bed in a second. He ran just as fast as he had before gaining the weight and almost took the front door off its hinges when he ripped it open.

Sam hadn’t changed a bit. He still looked exactly like the boy who left for college even if it was obvious that he had spent the past year really becoming a man. He was just nineteen, but even if ten years had gone by Dean was always going to see his little brother because Sam was perpetually sixteen in his eyes. He looked a little wiser as well and hell of a lot angrier than Dean remembered which was to be expected. The skin underneath his eyes was a little dark and his hair was really shaggy, but he was still just Sam especially when he smiled very weakly.

Dean had the door open, but he couldn’t think of a single word to say. Sam had broken his heart and because he was the first person to ever do that it hurt a little bit more. He wanted to throw his arms around him and hold on for hours but until he got his side of the story Dean was way too guarded and cautious to let himself be hurt again. If he hugged Sam there was a chance he’d not hug him back or even pull away. Dean didn’t know which was worse so he stayed quiet and still in the doorway staring at Sam’s eyes.

He was smiling so he must have been happy which Dean took as a good sign. Even if he hadn’t seen the actual smile on his face he would have know simply because of his eyes. They were a little squinty and just as warm as Dean remembered. They were beautiful even with the dark rings under them. He was just as exhausted as the rest of them and most likely hadn’t slept since he woke up on Friday morning.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” Sam said as he shook his head. “I’m so sorry.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“You…you should come in.” Dean nodded. “You…you don’t have a car?”

“I left it at that big shopping center.” Sam said. “I stole one and didn’t want to risk parking it here. I walked.”

“Oh.”

“I like your hair.”

“Thanks, Sam. Come on in.”

Dean stepped back to let Sam into the house where he removed his shoes without even being asked to. He obviously saw the rug with the shoes on it, but Dean still liked that he kicked them off. It was a little encouraging in a way because Sam had never and would never meet Jim, but he knew who he was because he really knew Dean.

He just had one duffle bag with him that he carefully placed on the floor instead of just throwing it down. It didn’t even make a sound. Dean was stuck with the silence again and while he had a million things he wanted to say he couldn’t get a single one to his mouth. They were just standing next to each other which should have felt awkward but it didn’t.

Dean still had a lot of reservations and he was scared, but Sam obviously wasn’t. As soon as his bag was on the ground and his shoes were off he pulled Dean into his arms and held on as tight as he could. The last person who hugged Dean was Tim and that was only because he found out his birthday. Dean had safety in his arms and he felt it again in Sam’s. He was younger, but stronger, Dean could feel all the muscles of his arms and the rock that was his chest. Sam even had his hand at the back of Dean’s head with his long fingers in his hair.

When Dean heard Sam start to cry he realized he wasn’t hugging him back, something he very quickly rectified. He wrapped his arms around Sam’s strong body and even allowed himself to put his head on his shoulder. He inhaled deeply and that night they spent together vividly replayed in his mind. Sam always smelled amazing even across the room but there was no denying that it was so much better when Dean was right next to him, under him, or in his arms.

The only real affection Dean got over the past year had come from Tim and that was just the safe affection between two guys who were friends. Getting it from Sam, who had been so much more than a friend and even more than a brother made Dean feel something he thought he never would again. It was safety and comfort, there was desire and love, but most of all he felt needed. That feeling made him very softly press his lips into Sam’s neck for one short kiss to make the past year worth it.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Dean whispered back. “We’ll be okay.”

“I was just so confused and I thought…”

“Shh, I can’t right now, Sam. We’re going to talk, but just let me…just don’t let go, okay?”

“I missed you so much, Dean.”

“Me too.”

When Dean felt Sam’s lips absently brush against the top of his ear his back stopped hurting and so did his heart. He knew it was just a trick and his back pain would return, but his heart was on the mend. He had been so angry at Sam for leaving, but he knew that he had to have a reason. There was no way he just changed his mind. It wasn’t just John either or the fear of being found out. There had to be something else that Dean hadn’t considered.

It was really his own fault because he completely blamed himself. He thought for sure there was something lacking in him that made him a bad person, a bad brother, and someone Sam just couldn’t see himself with. It just got worse after he told John why he was so upset and the beating came. John more than anyone knew that Sam had always been Dean’s only priority in life and he ignored that when he heard the words come out wrong. If John of all people didn’t see that Dean was a really good brother then there was really no way that Sam could have. That wasn’t the case though because Sam always knew what he had and Dean hadn’t done a damn thing wrong to make him leave. He screwed up a lot in his life but when it came to Sam, Dean knew he had always been perfect.

The seconds grew into minutes and Dean wouldn’t have cared one bit if they spent an hour just holding onto each other. He wasn’t sure how long it actually was when they broke apart, but he knew they did it at the same time, with the same happy laugh. Sam didn’t let go first and neither did Dean, they just broke apart together so they could smile at each other again.

That made Sam look like he was sixteen again which Dean was very happy with. His had his goofy smile on which was a lot different than his standard smile that he wore because everyone around him was. He was genuinely happy and so was Dean until Sam’s smile faded. It started with his eyes and then the corners of his mouth pulled down so his lips could form one furious sneer.

“You son of a bitch!” Sam yelled.

“Sammy, I can explain, I thought that…”

“Shut up!”

Despite the weight gain apparently no one had a problem with practically lifting Dean off his feet to move him around. John had done it in the store and Sam did it as he walked past him. He was a lot gentler than John was and didn’t just move Dean out of the way, he positioned him behind his back to protect him from the monster.

John was just in the doorway and actually tried to run, but Sam was fast and way too angry to let him get away. He looked terrified which satisfied Dean more than it should have. Seeing Sam close in on John made him feel like he had right after he shot him. It was payback and though violence never solved anything Dean didn’t really give a damn. It was actually going to work out pretty good since Sam thought John had just broken his nose. Seeing how he would react to that was going to help Dean decided if he told him the whole truth about that night while John was still around or if he was going to let him get a head start from Sam’s rage.

Sam took four giant steps and snatched John’s shirt to yank him backwards. He wasn’t going to let him get away because he had hurt the only person who ever loved him. John might have even been the entire reason Sam left with just a note and maybe a bullet wound and busted lip would be merciful by the time he was done.

John had been about halfway to the first door which was a little half bath, but Sam pulled him into the living room in under a second. He spun him around and actually lifted him up off the floor before he made a quick scan of his surroundings. The sofa, coffee table, and television were on his right and the kitchen table was on his left. Sam took everything into account because he was never going to go into someone’s home and wreck up the place no matter how angry he was.

There was quite a bit of struggling, but John was already hurt. Even if he was in perfect health Dean didn’t think he’d be able to get away from Sam because he was just too angry. He couldn’t punch left or right because if he did there was a chance he’s break something that didn’t belong to him, so Sam held John’s head straight and punched him dead on.

Dean actually cringed because he heard a sickening wet crack as Sam’s gigantic first slammed into John’s nose. He had heard that before and knew exactly what it meant. Sam’s idea of payback was an eye for an eye or in John’s case a nose for a nose. That helped Dean decide to not tell him what else happened until Sam had a chance to calm down or John was on the other side of the fucking country.

After his fist made contact Sam released the back of John’s shirt and let him go down. Dean was sure he was done because the punch was pretty brutal and he had to have heard his nose break, but Sam apparently felt like John still got off too easy. There was even a very good chance that Sam already knew that the broken nose was the least of Dean’s problems.

John fell to his knees first and was about to fall flat on his busted face when Sam kicked him. That made Dean cringe again because Sam’s sock covered foot slammed into the side of John’s face and twisted his whole head to the left. There was a sick spray of blood that flew out of his mouth towards the kitchen, but the whole splat actually landed on the center of one of the tiles and not on the grout.

“Stop.” John said as he spit up more blood. “Sam, stop…please.”

“Did you?” Sam asked as he pulled him back to his feet. “Did you stop when he asked? Did you stop when he begged!”

“No.”

“Then why the hell should I? What did you do to him, dad?”

“I didn’t mean to, I thought…”

“You thought the man who raised me, the man who took care of me when you were nowhere to be found would actually do something so horrible. He gave up his life to make sure I was safe.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Mom must be so proud of you, dad.”

Sam actually hurled John to the ground because he was done. Bringing up Mary was just the absolutely worst he could do short of killing him and Dean knew those eight words hurt a hell of a lot more than the punch or the kick in the face. Dean could have said something before Sam hit him the first time and he could have said something afterwards, but he didn’t want to, he had no desire to at all.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.” Dean nodded. “Thanks for not messing up my house.”

“It’s really nice, Dean. I wouldn’t break your table or get blood on your sofa.”

“Do…do you like the sofa?”

“It looks really comfortable.” Sam smiled. “It looks like something you’d buy and it goes with your curtains.”

“Same store.” Dean shrugged. “I put them up myself.”

“Everything looks great. I thought I had the wrong address, but then I saw the garden in the front, I knew this was your house.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s the nicest on the street. Your lawn’s the greenest and I think your American flag is the brightest.”

“Will one of you please…”

“Shut up.” Sam said without turning around. “Tell me about the garden.”

“I…” Dean said as he looked away from John. “I work at Home Depot and they throw away the plants when they start getting droopy. They just need water most of the time, so I took them home. Some of them have been in there almost a year.”

“I like the purple ones.”

“Petunias. I get a lot of sun in the morning, they like that.”

“Will you show me everything later?” Sam asked. “Once we’re done with…everything else?”

“I’d really like that, Sam.”

“So would I.”

“What are we gonna do with him?”

John was still conscious, but Dean had no idea how that was possible. He had knocked him out with one hit from the handle of the gun. Sam had just beaten him a lot worse and John was still holding on. He was struggling to get up and still spitting blood out of his mouth onto the floor which was really pissing Dean off.

“He’s going on an errand for me.” Sam said as he pulled John back up. “Dad.”

“Sam.”

“I need you to go to Colorado for me.”

“Why…uh…What’s in Colorado?”

“An old friend.”

Sam got John steady on his feet before he walked over to his bag by the door. He seemed so fucking cool to Dean for some reason like his year at college had completely transformed him. He was still same old Sam, but he was in charge now, something Dean loved and John obviously didn’t. He didn’t like having to follow orders but he way too beat down to not do it. Sam was calling the shots now and he wasn’t taking no for an answer.

John was stumbling a little while Sam dug through his bag and Dean was a little worried about it. Colorado wasn’t that long of a drive, at least not for them, but John could barely walk. He needed to rest a little and if Dean had to he was going to talk to Sam just so John wouldn’t drive into a ditch somewhere and kill himself.

“I believe you know where this goes.”

“What did you do?” John asked. “Sam, what did you do?”

“Oh, so you do know where it goes. He’s expecting it back tomorrow night.”

“What did you do!”

“What is that?” Dean asked. “What’s in there?”

“Come see, Dean.” Sam smiled. “You’ll like this.”

John was actually shaking when Dean walked past him and he just attributed that to getting his ass handed to him. He didn’t realize that the box in Sam’s hands was a hell of a lot more than just a box, it was John’s dream, his hope, and the one thing he had never been able to get his own hands on. Sam managed to do it all on his own with no help from his father or Dean who still had no idea what the hell was inside until the lid was open and he saw the gun and all the little bullets.

“Wow.”

“Isn’t it cool?” Sam asked. “I thought you might like it.”

“That’s a thing of beauty right there.”

“How did you get that?” John asked. “Where…”

“I asked nicely.” Sam said as he handed the gun to Dean. “Actually I explained the situation, I told him who I was, who you were, and he handed it right to me.”

“I can’t just give it back, Sam. You have no idea how long I’ve been looking for that gun, I need it for when he shows up.”

“That’s no longer an issue you need to concern yourself with.”

Dean flinched because he had never heard that tone in Sam’s voice or anyone’s for that matter. It wasn’t just cold or icy, it was something else entirely. He spoke so slowly and put emphasis on the word ‘issue’. He barely sounded like himself which worried Dean a little, but it turned him on as well. Sam had his moment where he completely lost control, but he got it all back and there was no denying that the youngest of them was calling all the shots.

“No.”

“Oh, yes.” Sam smiled. “And boy was it sweet.”

“He could have killed you!” John screamed. “What the fuck were you…”

“He never got a chance. You should have seen the look on his face dad…wait…it kind of looked like yours does right now.”

Dean finally tore his eyes away from the gun in his hand to look over at John. He was more furious than Dean had ever seen him, but it was eclipsed by the look of shock on his face. Sam might as well have just told him he flew in from Nevada on a unicorn that crapped money and ammo at the same time. Dean had hundred of questions he wanted to ask, but he was enjoying Sam’s smug attitude a little too much to even get them out.

“You really killed him?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“He killed mom.” Dean whispered. “Right?”

“Yeah he did.” Sam nodded. “He’s gone.”

“Why’d you do it?” John asked. “I want to know why.”

“So no child out there has to deal with what you did to us.” Sam said before he put the gun back in the box. “And I’d be lying if I said the thought of you never killing him yourself isn’t just a little satisfying.”

“Thank you, Sammy.” Dean smiled. “Mom would be really proud of you.”

“She would.”

“What was that?”

“She would be proud.” John nodded. “You did good, son.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“I’m…” John said before he paused. “I’m proud of you too.”

Sam nodded but it was very empty and obviously just so he could express that he had actually heard John. He looked away from him right after that and smiled at Dean one more time just for the hell of it. He really was something and Dean knew he was never going to get tired of seeing that smile.

John’s nose was broken, his lip was busted, he had been shot, and lost a tooth due to a kick in the face, but he was still standing. It was like he wouldn’t go down despite the pain he had to be in. Dean knew what that was like because when he ran the first time it was hours after he woke up in the hospital. He had just enough strength to get dressed, get in the car, and get on the road. He didn’t make it far, but he lost John for the night and could finally sleep.

Even when Dean ran for the second time he was still healing. It was a hell of a lot easier, but he was in great shape at the time when compared to John. Through sheer force of will he managed to take another shower and he borrowed clothes from Dean before he walked right out the door promising to make it back by morning. Dean tried to stop him and to his surprise so did Sam, but there was something about that gun and whoever his old friend was that gave him the strength to leave.

Dean didn’t really want to know anything about that because the thought of Sam hunting alone was too much for him to handle. He was sure he was safe, but Dean didn’t want to dwell on it. He knew that whatever had killed their mother was gone and that Sam was sitting at the kitchen table still smiling. He looked so handsome that Dean couldn’t look away for minutes at a time.

Sam was hungry since he had been on the road practically all day. He said he wanted to stop but he couldn’t do it because if he kept moving he knew he was going to get to Dean sooner. His persistence had paid off because he made it back to California in record time. He was where he belonged, where they should have been living together for the past year. Dean didn’t want to dwell on that too much either because he knew they’d have to talk eventually and before that happened he wanted to just spend time with Sam talking about nothing.

There was a little bit of meat sauce left over, but John had finished off the last of the spaghetti. Dean still had some left in the pack that needed to be cooked but that wouldn’t take long. He offered to make Sam a sandwich while he waited, but he didn’t want one because the meat sauced smelled so good.

“I can’t believe you’re cooking.”

“I’m pretty good at it.” Dean smiled. “Nothing complicated, but I like simple food. Dad ate two plates, he said it tasted like mom’s.”

“I can’t believe you fed him.”

“I wasn’t going to, but then I was hungry and I didn’t want to eat in front of him.”

“I think we should talk Dean, while he’s not here.”

“About?”

“You know.” Sam said. “You know what we have to talk about.”

“That night?”

“No, not yet.”

“What he did to me?” Dean asked as he turned around. “I’m not sure, I want to start with that.”

“Not that either. There’s a far more serious matter we have to discuss.”

“Wha…what?”

“The Civic, Dean. You’re driving a hybrid.”

Dean laughed louder than he had in years. He couldn’t even remember the last time he heard himself sound so happy and full of life. It was contagious too because Sam joined in and they got to laugh together which sounded even better. Dean’s stomach started to hurt and he actually dropped his big silver pasta fork on the ground. They probably did have more important things to talk about, but Sam had chosen the best one and really broke what was left of the tension between them.

“I get forty-five miles a gallon. I can make a tank of gas last a month.”

“No way.”

“I just go to work and back, six miles. I go to the grocery store once a week.”

“Wow.” Sam smiled. “I guess you can stretch a tank. So, now I have to ask…”

“Yeah?”

“Where’s the Impala?”

“In my garage. I start her up once a week, sometimes…sometimes I just go in there and sit behind the wheel.”

“Was it that important to get rid of everything about yourself?”

“I didn’t want him to find me.”

“I understand that, but I don’t think this house and the furniture or not driving your car was about him.” Sam said. “The glasses and the hair I can understand, but you aren’t just hiding, Dean, you’re a completely different person.”

“What about the weight?”

“The what?”

“I gained thirty-five pounds.”

“Oh.” Sam said as he looked him over. “Oh, I guess you did gain some weight.”

Dean felt like he was talking to John again and he knew Sam was saying what he wanted to hear but it was done for an entirely different reason. John had done it to gain a little trust and Sam was pretending to not notice the extra weight to spare Dean’s feelings. There was no way he hadn’t noticed especially while they were hugging, but the fact that he didn’t bring it up really meant something to Dean. Sam obviously didn’t care about a few extra pounds at all because he was looking past that.

He was absolutely right about becoming Jim because Dean didn’t have to take it as far as he did. He could have changed his hair, got the glasses, and gained the weight. That would have been enough because physically he looked much different. That was the whole point because John couldn’t find someone if he didn’t know what they looked like.

Dean didn’t leave a single real trail when he left the second time. He paid for everything with cash, he threw out his cell phone, and he didn’t use any of his old names. When he became Jim he did it right. On paper Jim was just as real as Dean had been. He had records and a story, he paid taxes, and got junk mail. Dean could have easily been Jim when he was at work or outside watering the grass, but he chose to become him full time. It wasn’t because of John that he did that, it was because of Sam.

“You know why.”

“I’d like to hear you say it so I’m sure.” Sam said. “Come sit down and talk to me.”

“I have to wait for the water to boil.”

“You can see it from the table. Please just tell me because I want to deal with us before we deal with dad.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Dean said as he sat down. “And it’ll upset you.”

“I can handle it.”

The new Sam could probably handle anything, but Dean wasn’t sure he could say the words out loud and see his reaction. He wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, but if they got to a point where they were okay then everything with John would be a hell of a lot easier to deal with. Sam was right about that and Dean couldn’t pretend that not talking was going to make anything easier on them.

When he took a deep breath and sighed Sam reached across the table and offered his hand. Just seeing it was such a comfort and it was even better once Dean was holding on. He had ignored his reasons for changing everything for so long and Sam was willing to listen, so Dean had to talk and get it over with.

“Dean Winchester did everything he could for you. He kept you safe, fed, clothed. He loved you more than anything in the entire world. You were his world, Sam. Dean Winchester…only wanted one thing out of life. When you left he wasn’t the amazing big brother he thought he was. He wasn’t a good enough friend, and he wasn’t someone you could be with. I couldn’t be him anymore Sam, because he must have been the worst person in the world if he couldn’t even make you stay.”

Sam was holding on to Dean’s hand with both of his big hands. Just as Dean expected Sam did start to cry. He knew it was going to happen and he didn’t want to see it. He didn’t want to see Sam take his left hand away to wipe at his eyes while he nodded weakly. Dean had told the truth, but he made Sam upset and he wasn’t sure it was entirely worth it. He was always going to be honest, but he really wished they would have waited a little longer.

“I don’t want you to think that you had anything to do with why I left, Dean.” Sam whispered. “That was all me, I was so confused and wondering if what we did was wrong even thought I knew how it felt. I was worried about dad finding out and then finally having a fresh start in a new place where I could make friends and having to be the fag.”

“It wasn’t me?”

“Of course not, Dean. It was all me. I could deal with him finding out and telling my friends, but I actually left because…you’ve loved me since I was a kid and I was always around. I left because part of me was wondering if you couldn’t do better. I thought if I was gone, you might look and find someone who could really be the type of person you deserve, better than me. I didn’t want you to feel obligated to love me.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, Sammy.” Dean laughed. “Don’t be stupid.”

“I know.” Sam smiled. “I took the bus and the second I got off at the first stop I called. My phone was…”

“It was dead…I remember it was dead before we…”

“Slept together. I plugged it in at the bus station and called you, I called you for a week and you never answered, so I just thought I…I thought you didn’t want to see me, but I started looking again when dad didn’t know where you were either.”

“I would have answered.”

“Why didn’t you?”

Dean had a very good reason for not answering his phone. At the time Sam was calling he was probably on his way to the hospital. He remembered that his phone was there when he woke up because John had brought it along with a few of his clothes, but Dean didn’t bother looking to see if anyone called. He was too scared at the time and he knew he had to just get out of there as soon as possible.

It really was all just bad timing and misunderstandings. Sam had left for a reason, but he realized his mistake and tried to fix it the first chance he got. Dean could live with that and it was a hell of a lot easier to deal with a little misunderstanding instead of thinking that he lacked something. Him and Sam were going to be just fine, and they could put their problem behind them since it wasn’t a real problem at all, but they still had to deal with John.

“After you eat something, huh?” Dean asked as he stood up. “I want to see what you think about this.”

“Okay.”

“I think you’re really going to like it.”

“I’m sure I will.” Sam smiled. “But, uh…can I just ask where this leaves us?”

The water in the pot had been boiling for a few minutes so Dean dumped in the rest of the spaghetti and started to stir it while it was still hard. He wanted to take a second just to really consider that question. He knew what he wanted and he was pretty sure he knew what Sam wanted unless he was asking to give him an opening to shoot him down. Dean hated that he always wanted to focus on the negative, but he really had convinced himself that he was a bad person who Sam couldn’t love.

“Are you living somewhere?”

“I was in the dorms, I figured I’d spend the summer on the road.”

“What about when school starts?”

“I was going to try to find an apartment and work when I could.” Sam said. “I don’t know.”

“It’s only about a half hour from here, if you wanted…I don’t know, if you wanted to stay here with me. That would be fine with…”

Dean turned away from the stove and actually bumped into Sam. He had silently gotten up from where he was sitting and positioned himself right behind him. Dean could still smell his skin, he was close enough that he could even feel his breath passing through his lips. Dean wanted to forget about the spaghetti and John, he wanted to forget about everything except for Sam, for just a few hours.

In a perfect world Dean would have turned off the stove and led Sam into the bedroom or even to the sofa would do. He couldn’t do that though because if they had sex he’d have to get undressed and no matter what they actually did Sam would see the scar on his back and want to know where it came from since he had memorized Dean’s body that night they were together. That would ruin the moment and Dean wanted it to be perfect when they slept together again.

“Can I?”

“Yeah, you…ow!” Dean gasped. “Ow!”

Sam didn’t know so Dean couldn’t get upset that he had rather roughly pulled him into his body. It took so little to throw his back out of whack and that sudden change in movement did it. Dean’s entire body lit up with pain and he felt like someone was driving nails up his spine. It was excruciating and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t stop the tears.

“I’m sorry, I…I…I…” Sam stuttered. “Did you burn your…”

“Ahh, let me go.”

“What?”

“Let me go.” Dean whispered. “Please…let go of me.”

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked as he stepped back. “I didn’t mean to hur…hurt you, Dean, what’s…”

“Help me to my bed, Sammy, please.”

“Okay, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Dean panted. “It’s fine, I just need to…”

“Okay, come on.”

The last time Dean really fucked his back up was after a very busy weekend at work. He was on his feet for eight hours after working overtime on Saturday. It was the same thing he had been dealing with all day, he over did it and then he was sore and tired. When he actually started to hurt it was because some idiot customer tried to pull down a piece of plywood that was way too big for her. Dean had no idea what had possessed some hundred pound woman to think she could handle a very heavy piece of plywood, but she tried instead of just asking for help.

If Dean had gotten it down himself he would have been fine, but he had to run over when he saw it slide out and she began to lose control. He didn’t want her hurt so he managed to grab it, but the weight combined with the force of it shifted his body the wrong way and fucked his back all up. She managed to get out of the way and Dean actually had to drop the wood on the floor which produced a deafening boom. His cries of agony were a little louder though until Tim once again ran in to save the day.

He got Dean out of the store and in the back of his car so he could take him home. He put him in bed and got him the heating pad, some pills and even a bottle of Yoo-Hoo. He was supposed to go back to work, but he stayed and ordered pizza for them. Even with the unbearable pain Dean still thought it was a pretty good day because he got pizza in bed with some great conversation.

Every step Dean took down the hallway made him groan as loud as he could. Sam was supporting most of his weight, but Dean still had to move his feet which meant the kink in his back kept shifting. He was in agony, but all he could really focus on was Sam’s face. He was crying again and sucking up his breath a lot because he thought it was his fault, but it really wasn’t.

Once they were in the bedroom Dean just wanted to fall because he didn’t think he could manage sitting so he could lie down. Sam handled it though, he let Dean lean back while he held onto his hands to make the impact feather light. It still hurt, but it hurt a lot less because Sam was there holding him up, just like Tim had.

“My heating pad.” Dean said as he pointed to the side of the bed. “I need you to put it under my back.”

“Can I roll you over?”

“You can try.”

“Dean, what’s wrong, why are you in so much pain?”

“I can’t…Sammy, please, just try to get it under there.”

Dean’s vision was getting blurry and he was actually sweating because it hurt so badly. Sam didn’t ask any more questions and though he tried his best to get the heating pad under Dean’s back he was having a hard time. He opted to sort of rock him back and forth while pulling it under a few inches at a time. It was working but it hurt and Dean’s big secret came out when Sam’s long fingers brushed up against the bare skin of his back and the raised pink scar there.

“What is this?” Sam asked once he finally got the heating pad in place. “What is this, Dean?”

“A scar.”

“I realize that, where did it come from?”

“I can’t.”

“You have to.” Sam said. “Did he do that to you?”

“Yeah.”

“Dad’s the reason you’re in so much pain right now?” Sam asked as he stood up straight. “Is that right?”

“Yes.” Dean whispered. “He didn’t just break my nose.”

“Tell me what happened.”

“You have to promise me you’re not going to do something crazy.”

Sam looked positively psychotic and Dean wasn’t going to tell him what happened when he looked like that because John was coming back in the morning and there was no way he was dealing with a dead body in his living room. Dean didn’t even want Sam to hurt him anymore because he was in enough pain and he’d have to live with what he did for the rest of his life. Even if Dean got some surgery to make the pain go away that wouldn’t make it any better because John had nearly killed him. They couldn’t change that at all.

“I promise.” Sam nodded. “I won’t…I won’t…”

“You won’t kill him.” Dean said. “Be as mad as you want, but you can’t kill dad.”

“How can you expect me to not do anything when he’s responsible for this?”

“You’ve done enough, Sammy, please, just say you won’t kill him, say you won’t hit him again.”

“I won’t kill him. I won’t hit him again.”

“Go fix your plate.”

“I can wait.”

“You’re hungry, this isn’t a short story.”

“Okay, do you need anything?”

Dean looked at the clock on his night stand. It wasn’t six o’clock yet, but not drinking before then was Jim’s rule. If Dean was going to get through the whole story he was going to need a beer which he was sure might play nicely with all the Aleve he had already taken. He really wanted a shot of morphine right in his spine, but the beer would do, and Sam even promised to get him a straw so he wouldn’t have to sit up.

Dean couldn’t tell Sam the whole story. Had he known it he wouldn’t have spared a single detail, but John was really the only one who could fill in the missing pieces and it seemed unlikely that Sam was ever going to be able to ask him about it. If Dean was going to tell him he had to start at the beginning which Sam already knew but it was important to get the whole story out so the new information made sense.

It started on Sam’s eighteenth birthday which Dean was sure would be like any other day. He was excited because it was Sam’s birthday, but when he woke up that morning he had no idea it would end up being the best day of their lives. They never really had parties or did much celebrating, but eighteen was a big year and though Sam had been an adult since he was a child it marked the accepted time to become a man.

Dean got a cake from the store and wrapped up Sam’s very special present which took the better part of a year to save for. It was his laptop because Dean knew he meant it when he said he was going away to school and he wanted him to be prepared. The big fight was the previous night, so John wasn’t there. That was fine with both of them because all he did was make them feel guilty for wanting to celebrate.

After the very thoughtful gift and cake one thing led to another and Sam’s birthday became Dean’s special day because they were finally acknowledging that there was something between them. Sam made the first move because he knew Dean never would. They stumbled through the motel room and both ended up in the same bed. Dean got fucked and Sam sucked his cock afterwards, but it wasn’t really about sex. They were having it, but the entire time Dean was on his stomach they were making plans.

They were going to leave together at the end of July and drive to California. That gave them enough time to find a place to live before Sam started school in September. Dean was going to find a job at a garage and Sam knew there was somewhere on campus where he could work. That took care of all the details of their new life and they had time to focus on what a life together would be like.

Sam kept saying normal because that was all he really wanted. He wanted friends that would be around for longer than two weeks. He was looking forward to paying bills and worrying about money. He sounded so happy that night about the world of possibilities before them but in the morning he was gone and all Dean had was the note.

Had it been anyone else Dean really wouldn’t have cared and if he hadn’t made such careful plans with Sam he would have been able to deal with it a hell of a lot easier. He had actually convinced himself that he could be happy, that he deserved happiness, but that was in the night when everything was dark and hard to see. In the harsh light of morning Sam had, Dean thought, reconsidered their perfect life together and thought better of it.

May 2^nd had been the best day of his life and the 3^rd ended up being the worst. He had never been with anyone, he had never even loved anyone and because of his upbringing he simply didn’t know how to process such a massive rejection. He knew about the stages of grief but Dean couldn’t get past his depression and loneliness. He made it through denial quickly and he wasn’t really mad long. He briefly considered bargaining, but in the end he had to settle on depression because he didn’t have time to get to acceptance even if he wanted to.

John came back because he found a job and they needed to get on the road. When he asked where the fuck Sam was Dean chose the wrong words. He didn’t want to say anything, but with Sam gone John was all he had. He was useless as he was and he wanted help to make things easier and for some reason Dean thought John might actually be a father for once in his life.

Instead of saying they slept together Dean made the rather serious mistake of saying he had sex with Sam. He really wanted to think that if he had chosen his words more carefully things might have had a different outcome, but that seemed way too optimistic. Dean didn’t imply that Sam had been forced to do anything, but that’s what John heard and his fury, his rage, was devastating.

He punched Dean in the jaw first stunning him long enough to punch again. That was the punch that broke his nose which was all Sam knew about. John was just getting started though. Dean was stronger, younger, and faster, but he didn’t want to fight back. At the time all he could think about was what a terrible person he was and how he deserved to be punished. Few people in the world were better than John at that, though Dean had no idea just how much trouble he was in.

After that first punch in the nose things got a little hazy. He remembered John repeatedly punching him in the face and dragging his limp body all around the room. Dean remembered getting hit with a lamp, the phone, and being kicked once he was down. The last thing he could actually remember was John dragging him upright before knocking him through the window. Dean wasn’t sure if it was intentional or if John hit him too hard when he was standing in front of it, but he remembered the pain and then his whole life from the time he was four years old flashing in his mind.

It was a week later when Dean woke up colder than he had ever been. He was positively frigid and he was sure he had to be outside. He heard low voices but couldn’t make out any words at all. He wasn’t sure how long it took for him to open his eyes, but eventually he got them open and saw the smiling face of an angel before him. Dean was sure he had died which was actually really comforting. After everything it sort of seemed like freedom.

The angel’s name was Peggy and she didn’t have any wings like he was expecting, but she did have a kind smile and lots of bright cats on her shirt. She looked so relieved to see him and Dean smiled at her before whispering about how cold he was. She brought him a very warm blanket and then dragged in a team of doctors and other nurses. He didn’t stay awake for long, really it was just long enough to register how warm he was before he fell asleep.

The second time he woke up wasn’t nearly as nice because he knew he hadn’t made it to heaven, he was just in a hospital with John’s tear stained face hovering over him. He looked worse than Dean could ever remember with more scruff than was usual. His eyes were red and heavy and he actually smelled. He was sort of smiling, but Dean was petrified. He couldn’t move an inch and even when John started calmly talking to him Dean couldn’t manage a single world.

It was hours before he actually spoke to John and very nicely asked for a really big hamburger since he was so hungry. Dean knew he had been in the coma for a week because he had listened to the nurses and doctors, but he wasn’t hungry at all, he just wanted John gone so he could make his escape.

He got as much information as he could from the nurses about how he’d never walk again and that it was a miracle he was alive. He had arrived at the hospital with a two foot shard of glass lodged in his back and they had never seen anyone fight so hard. He had two surgeries while he was in the coma and though his life was going to be very hard, they knew he’d be okay.

Dean agreed with them and said he was just lucky to be alive. He waited until he was alone before throwing off the sheets and the blankets and walking on his own two feet. It was the most excruciating thing he had ever felt his entire life and he came close to passing out from the pain, but he managed to do it. He kept all the machinery attached until he had on a pair of jeans and a shirt from his dusty old duffle bag.

All that was easy compared to his escape because he was in ICU and there were people everywhere. The second he yanked out all the shit attached to him ten sirens went off at once. He really only had one chance so he took it. He slipped right out of the room and blended into a small group of people leaving after visiting another patient. They didn’t even notice him because he was already invisible.

The only problem he had was when he got to the end of the hall. Peggy, his angel spotted him and obviously had no intention of letting him pass. He tried to explain that he wasn’t safe and his heart broke when she said they could keep him safe because they couldn’t. No one could protect him from John and his only option was to disappear.

Dean was exhausted, he was in excruciating pain, but he still had enough energy left to punch her and knock her out popping some of his stitches in the process. He was sure someone would have seen it, but luck was on his side and maybe some higher power knew he had to escape.

He stole an old car from the parking lot and then drove right to the motel. He actually saw John’s huge truck waiting in line at one of the fast food restaurants he passed which was the greatest thing in the world. He wouldn’t know Dean was gone until he made it back to the hospital and that was more than enough time to get what he needed.

He didn’t bother packing much of anything, he just grabbed a few things out the room John had been staying in. Dean’s stuff was in there since it had to be moved after the window was broken in the room he had shared with Sam. He got his keys and his stockpile of hidden cash before stealing John’s hidden money as well. After that he was on the road, driving away from the motel, the hospital, and John who had nearly killed him.

He didn’t make it far before he had to stop. He slept in the car for a few hours and then kept right on driving until he saw the Atlantic Ocean. Even with the countless trips back and forth across the county Dean had never seen the ocean and Wilmington, North Carolina was as far East as he could go without a boat.

Those first few days were incredibly difficult because Dean was in so much pain and going to a doctor would have raised too many questions but he was still doing okay. He was staying in a motel and sleeping a lot, but when he was awake he was making plans for his new life. There were a lot of jobs he thought he might be good at and as soon as he was able he planned on getting one or maybe two so he could find a house near the beach since it was really nice there, at least what he had seen of it.

For the second time all his plans got destroyed because John found him. Dean thought he was being smart, but John knew the names on all the credit cards and managed to track him down. He didn’t just pinpoint a town and wait, John knew exactly where he was right down to the motel room. He was completely panicked but he had to stay cool.

It was in North Carolina that Dean figured out that John was under the impression he had raped Sam. He kept talking about getting Dean help for his problems and because he needed to run again he stayed quiet and nodded. He only told him to just leave because he didn’t deserve to have his family around him and even to fuck himself if he ever wanted to talk. John wasn’t going anywhere though because his guilt was too bad.

They were in the same room for hours and Dean stayed as quiet as he could until he had an opportunity to actually drug John’s food while he was in the bathroom. It was just a rather large dose of over the counter sleeping pills, but it worked and Dean got to run again. John was so convinced that he had raped Sam and that he felt bad about it. That actually worked to Dean’s advantage because the last place he would look was Palo Alto.

That was too risky though, so Dean decided on a town about a half hour away. He would stick close to wherever he was living and the odds of running into Sam were really slim. When he ran the second time Dean did it right. He zigg zagged up and down across the entire country and used a different credit card each time. They were mostly small purchases, but he was smart and spent four hundred dollars at a Wal-mart in Michigan and even called a store in Alaska to charge some camping equipment he had sent to some lucky bastard in Florida. He wasn’t taking any chances at all and his hard work had paid off.

When he finally made it to California after almost three weeks on the road he got a room at a motel and then he found his house. He got his job and his furniture and even saved enough money to buy the new car because he was pretty sure Sam might follow every black Impala he saw and that was the first thing John would have said to anyone helping in the search for his missing son.

Jim Stevens had a very good life and he was absolutely real as far as the state of California knew. It was a little hard for Dean to get the things he needed on his own, but he was smart enough to get it done. He honestly imagined John would never find him, but he had. It really was a trade off because Dean didn’t want him around, but he had Sam back, and that was better than all the warm blankets in the world.

By the time Dean finished his story he had reset the heating pad four times and Sam was still working on his bowl of spaghetti and meat sauce. He didn’t say a word the entire time Dean spoke, he was just staring and stirring up his food. Occasionally he was taking a bite, but he really wasn’t that interested in it.

“Why silver?”

“What?”

“The car.” Sam said before he cleared his throat. “Why’d you pick silver?”

“Oh…I had a dream about running over a werewolf. I was going to get white but they didn’t have it.”

“Okay.” Sam whispered. “Thanks for telling me.”

“Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not, but, there’s nothing I can do about what happened to you. Is there anything else?”

“I have a friend.” Dean shrugged. “He works at Home Depot in the flooring department. His name is Tim and everyone calls us Tim and Jim or Jim and Tim.”

“Wha…what kind of friend?”

“Just a friend, Sammy.”

“Do you like him?”

“Very much. He actually asked me out today.”

Dean completely understood Sam’s reasons for leaving and he forgave him, but he really wanted to see what his reaction would be. It was for his own peace of mind because Dean wasn’t going to let himself get hurt again. If Sam even suggested that he go on the date Dean was going to be upset because he wanted him. He wanted to fall asleep with Sam every night and then have Tim as his friend.

“I’ll kick his ass.”

“What?”

“I’ll kick his ass.” Sam said again before he smiled. “Okay, probably not.”

“I think you’d really like him, Sammy, he’s great.”

“Do you want to go out with him?”

“Honestly?”

“Please.”

“If he had asked me yesterday I might have considered it.” Dean said. “I’m not sure it would have worked out, but I think I would have tried.”

“I have no right to tell you what to do with your life, but I would really appreciate a chance for us to work this out, Dean.”

“I told him we were better as friends.”

“You did?”

“Yeah.” Dean smiled. “I did.”

“Oh, thank God.” Sam sighed. “I’m not sure I could handle pretending to like this guy if he was dating you.”

“I don’t love him like that.”

“Do you love him?”

“Yeah, I do. He’s pretty much my only friend. He’s really protective of me and I like that. He’s nice and he’s always just…he’s just always really nice.”

“I look forward to meeting him.”

“Really?”

“No, the thought of it kind of makes me want to throw up I’m so nervous.”

Sam looked really jealous, but Dean didn’t think he was a bad person for enjoying it. He reached out with his left hand and Sam grabbed it right away. Tim really was a great guy and Dean probably could have had some sort of happiness with him, but Sam was the only man for him.

“What about you? Any friends?”

“Let me answer that by telling you I just spent a year living with a guy and I honestly don’t know if his name was Barry or Larry. Hell, it might have been Gary for all I know.”

“In the dorm?”

“Yeah, have no idea what his name was.”

“Dad said you almost lost your scholarship.”

“Yeah, I did.” Sam nodded. “I’m fine now, but it was a little rough. He picked the worst possible time to ask for help.”

“You pulled it off though.”

“It’s what you would have wanted.” Sam said. “But, no friends, no acquaintances. I think this chick was trying to sleep with me in Washington a few months ago.”

“What’d you do?”

“She went to the bathroom and I stole her car.” Sam frowned. “I kinda feel bad about it.”

Dean laughed so hard his stomach hurt, but his back was feeling much better. He even managed to sit up straight with a little help from Sam. It was so nice to be in a decent house just sitting in bed with him and talking. He was so relieved that Sam hadn’t asked a million questions about John because Dean really didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He just wanted to spend time with Sam talking about stupid shit that didn’t really matter much in the grand scheme of things.

“You feel better?”

“Yeah, I just need some heat to loosen things up.”

“You look much better.” Sam said before he took a bite of spaghetti. “Seriously, did you get this from the freezer section?”

“No.” Dean smiled. “I made it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“It’s really fuckin’ good. It’s cold and it’s still good. How often do you cook?”

“Everyday.” Dean nodded. “I’ll have to make you macaroni and cheese.”

“From a box?”

“No, Sammy.” Dean laughed. “I make it with noodles and milk, two kinds of cheese.”

“You are very, very impressive.”

“Well, I try.”

“God, you’re so handsome when you smile, more handsome.”

Sam reached past him and put his bowl of food on the nightstand to free up both his hands. Dean was a little nervous because they never got to have their proper kiss in the kitchen and he really wanted that to happen. Sam was cautious and moved very slowly, but he was moving towards Dean so that was all that mattered.

He put his huge right hand in Dean’s long hair before pushing it away from his face. His thumb just trailed against Dean’s forehead before he leaned in. Their very first kiss had been a little painful and awkward because they were both nervous and Sam was inexperienced, but their new first kiss more than made up for it.

Sam was so gentle when their lips met and he waited a few seconds before opening his mouth. He tasted like tomato sauce, but Dean didn’t care since it was one of his favorite foods. Their lips were just pressed together with their mouths open until Dean realized he might just have to kiss back. He was still really nervous, but he gathered his courage and slipped the tip of his tongue in against Sam’s. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

“Do you want…do you want to do something?”

“More than anything.” Sam smiled as he backed away. “But, I’m really kind of tired.”

“I might…” Dean sighed. “With my back, I don’t think I could really handle fuc…”

“Shh. We’ll figure it out, we can make it work.”

“I can’t fuck you.”

“I thought you didn’t want to do that.”

“I didn’t.” Dean said before he laughed. “I didn’t want to do that first, I wanted you to.”

“Let’s not worry about that right now, it’s not important to me at all.”

“Really?”

“Not at all.”

“If you wanted to take a nap, I could…I’ll…I could get you off, anyway you want.”

“You really want to, don’t you?”

“More than anything, just lie back and relax.”

“I would really like that, trust me, but I’ve thought about being with you too much to get a blowjob and then fall asleep. I really want to be with you. I wanted to be with you as soon as I walked in the door, but I want to do it right.”

“Okay, you’re right. Tonight maybe.”

“Maybe.” Sam smiled. “Do you mind if I just get an hour or two of sleep?”

“No, not at all.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem, I’ll maybe take a nap too and…”

“I love you, Dean.” Sam said. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Sammy.”

Sam kissed him again before he moved to what would be his side of the bed. He must have been more exhausted than he let on because Dean was just about to ask if he could hold him when he heard very light snores. Dean held him anyway, because he didn’t need permission. Sam was his again and always would be.

Dean wanted to fall asleep. Nothing would have made him happier than just drifting off next to Sam. He really tried but after a half hour he realized it wasn’t going to happen for him. He just wasn’t much a napper mostly due to how early he went to bed at night. Usually he’d get into bed around 11:00 and maybe read a little or play a game on his laptop before going to sleep. That’s what he had done last night, but it didn’t seem likely he’d repeat the pattern when it really was time for bed. Things had changed and he wasn’t sleeping alone anymore.

Since he couldn’t nap he got out of bed and went to the closet to pull out a light blanket. It wasn’t cold in the house at all, but Dean knew how much Sam liked the comfort of sleeping under covers. Because he didn’t know if he was warm Dean even kicked the air down some once he left the bedroom with Sam’s almost empty bowl.

Dean washed that out first and then cleaned up the kitchen yet again. Sam had finished off the rest of the meat sauce and he ate all the spaghetti. Dean washed both pots and dried them before putting them away. His back was still a little achy, but it was too soon to medicate himself some more. He mostly blamed the new pain on lying on his side and he knew once he moved around some it would loosen up.

John’s last load of clothes were done washing so Dean got one load out the dryer and threw them in. He was just going to put everything in a basket, but because Sam had really kicked his ass Dean decided to fold John’s clothes for him. They were all so ragged and Dean knew some of the shirts he was folding were the same ones he had folded ten years ago. It really made him a little sad because John couldn’t even treat himself to a new shirt every once in a while.

Even his socks and underwear had seen better days. They were riddled with holes and just about as thin as could be. Dean could understand that with the underwear because they were probably really comfortable, but the socks were threadbare and it was probably like walking around without any on at all. It was John’s way though, so Dean wasn’t going to do or say anything about it.

Once everything was folded Dean brought the basket to the living room so he could set it next to the sofa. Since he didn’t have anything else to do he picked Sam’s bag up next and decided that his clothes probably needed to be washed as well. He did the same thing he had done with John’s clothes and separated everything first or at least he started to.

Dean’s first surprise was Sam’s laptop nestled carefully in-between his shirts and jeans. He had taken it with him when he left which Dean actually really liked. Had Sam left behind the computer he would have been even more upset. It looked like it was in pretty good shape and there was a little red heart sticker on top of it which Dean wanted to pretend was there so Sam would always think of him.

His second surprise came after he got another layer of clothes out. Sam had two guns in his bag which really made Dean uncomfortable. It wasn’t guns themselves that did it, it was the fact that Sam had them and was apparently using them or felt like he may have needed to use them. Dean was too upset to think of Sam hunting alone, so he put both guns on top of the refrigerator and continued pulling out the clothes.

The third and biggest surprise was hidden at the very bottom of the bag under all the clothes. That should have been where Sam kept his guns, but he had something else he wanted to keep secret. Dean was a little tempted to put everything back where it was and to put the bag next to the door, but if he was going to be in a relationship with Sam keeping secrets wasn’t an option.

Dean pulled the rather large Ziploc bag out and then examined the six orange prescription bottles inside. They were all in Sam’s name and all had six refills remaining. That made Dean think that Sam had been under a doctor’s care for quite a while and his medication had been fine tuned. Dean recognized three different types of anti-depressants before he decided to not look at the remaining three bottles.

“Please don’t go through my things.”

Dean dropped the bag out of his hand when he heard Sam’s voice. He hadn’t been sleeping for long, but obviously he had enough. He was standing right outside the kitchen just kind of leaning against the wall. He didn’t look upset, but he had every right to be because Dean had gone though his bag without his permission and instead of leaving the pills alone he read the bottles to see what they were.

“I wanted to do your laundry, I wasn’t…I mean I wasn’t snooping.”

“I know that, Dean.”

“Sammy.” Dean said before he picked up the bag. “Are you even supposed to mix these together?”

“Two are for depression, the Prozac makes me less anxious the other three balance them out nicely. I was going to tell you.”

“This should have been the first thing you told me. What’s wrong?”

“Turns out I’m not as suited for a normal life as I thought I was. I needed a little help and then some more.”

“You weren’t tired, were you?”

“I was, just not so tired that I couldn’t have slept with you.” Sam nodded. “I can’t come.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…” Sam said as he took a seat at the table. “I can’t have an orgasm anymore. I haven’t been able to in months. I guess it’s a trade off. I can function in the real world or get myself off. I think I chose well.”

“Sammy…I…I…this is too much. I’m sure you thought you needed all this, but I don’t want you taking all these pills. I’ll be here for you and you…”

“I know. I’m just not level without them.”

“Then we’ll deal with that. You have two months until school starts. You’ll be better here with me.”

“I know.” Sam smiled. “I know that.”

“I’m throwing them away.”

“Okay.”

“Do I mean that much to you?” Dean asked. “Cold turkey just because I’m here?”

“Yes.”

“All of them?”

“I’d like to keep the Prozac.”

Dean nodded and took the Prozac out of the bag. He dumped everything else into the sink and let the garbage disposal run until it got quiet. Sam had always been so strong and Dean hated that he needed so much help to level himself out. He didn’t really even know what that meant and though he knew they’d have to talk about it he didn’t want to know.

He felt so stupid because since Sam was twelve years old he was talking about going to college. It was really all he wanted and whenever Dean imagined him there he imagined him happy with friends. He never once thought Sam would spend a year not even talking to his roommate long enough to learn his name while he was carrying around a pharmacy in his bag.

“Is…were you talking those pills because of me?” Dean asked as he stared into the sink. “Because you couldn’t find me?”

“Yeah, not just because of that, but it was a factor.”

“How often do you go to the doctor?”

“He likes to see me three times a week, I don’t always get in that often.”

“Is this my fault?”

“No.”

“You just said it was because of me.” Dean said as he turned around. “Is it or isn’t it?”

“I was there because I couldn’t find you, but me not being able to find you isn’t your fault. That’s my fault and dad’s. Your instincts told you to hide. You did the right thing Dean. You are not responsible for my problems. None of this is because of you.”

“But dad is.”

“Yeah.” Sam smiled. “I can’t argue with that.”

Very few people could get away with blaming their parents for everything wrong in their lives, but Sam was one of them and so was Dean. Dean couldn’t cope because Sam had left, but Sam left because of John. Obviously there were a lot of other factors at play but once Dean dug down to the roots it was all John’s fault. He hadn’t taught Dean the things a parent was responsible for. He taught him to kill and never mentioned how to love. He taught him to fight without a word about surrender. Had Dean learned those things he could have shared them with Sam and he wouldn’t have doubted they could really make their relationship work.

It was never going to be easy for them, but Dean knew no one really had an effortless relationship. Had John bothered to be a father they both would have been more equipped to deal with things like love and sex. They could have been together for the past year instead of pretending to be someone else and finding happiness in chemical compounds.

The bottle of Prozac was on the kitchen table and Sam looked ashamed of himself when he took out a pill and popped it in his mouth. Dean poured him a glass of orange juice and then went back to the clothes. They were quiet for a while but it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable, they were just letting everything sink in.

When Dean sat back down one of Sam’s old undershirts was in front of him. It was wrinkled and a little stained, but he still picked it up and held it to his crooked nose to inhale as deep as he could. He wanted to be with him more than ever, but he could wait until the drugs were out of Sam’s system so they could have the night they deserved.

“Will you tell me about killing the uh…whatever it was.”

“Demon?”

“Yeah, killing the demon.”

“No.” Sam said as he shook his head. “I won’t.”

“Why not?”

“I think you really don’t want to know.” Sam said before he took a sip of orange juice. “Right?”

“You’re right.”

“And I know you. You might never forgive dad, but you’ll still want to be a good son. If I tell you what happened, you might tell him when he asks one day.”

“Sammy, he’s going to ask you as soon as he comes back.”

“And I’m never going to tell him.” Sam nodded. “He nearly took away the most important thing in the world to me, so he’s never going to know about the most important thing in the world to him. I can’t think of a more poetic punishment.”

“Can I get any details?”

“Um, tracked him, I waited for him to show up, broke into a house, shot him in the head, salted, burned, end of story.”

“He was trying to get a baby, wasn’t he?”

“Yeah.” Sam nodded. “Trying.”

“Parents okay?”

“I hope so.” Sam smiled. “Knocked them out before they really saw anything, waited around until they started to come to so the baby wouldn’t be alone. Little boy, cute little guy.”

Sam had covered all the bases and that was more details than Dean thought he would get. He knew there had to be a hell of a lot more, but he was keeping that to himself because those were the details John would want. Sam had really thought things through because nothing was going to bother John more than never knowing how the demon went out. Dean was fine with keeping it from him, since he was pretty sure he knew what Sam really wanted to do. He probably wouldn’t kill him, he was hoping so at least, but a brutal beating was probably looking really good to Sam.

“Let’s promise to never talk about this again.”

“That is your best idea yet.” Sam smiled. “God, I love this house.”

“You do?”

“It’s really nice, Dean.” Sam nodded. “Very nice. When I talked to dad he said he was going to your house, you can’t imagine what I was envisioning.”

“Futon, beer cans?”

“Television in the bathroom.” Sam shrugged. “It sure as hell wasn’t this. You even have a paper towel holder and a little soap dispenser that looks like an apple.”

“It’s Jim’s house.”

“Tell me about him.”

“What?”

“I wanna know about Jim. You’ve been him for a year, he must have a pretty good story.”

Sam’s clothes were still all over the kitchen table and Dean was going to wash them, but he started to sort of fold things just to give himself something to do while he thought about who Jim really was. He did have a whole life story, but Dean wasn’t sure how much he wanted to tell Sam. He didn’t want to seem like he was crazy and he didn’t want Sam to know how scared he had really been of John or how desperate he was to forget about Dean. Still, Sam had shared a few details about how he killed the demon so Dean thought he deserved to know a little about Jim or maybe even all about Jim.

“Jim’s the kind of guy you want to be friends with but you know better than to try because he’s so isolated and a little sad. He has parents and he really likes baked potatoes from Wendy’s with cheese, sour cream, and bacon bits. You could walk all over him and he’d let you, but not a lot of people do that. Most people are nice to him. Some people aren’t, but Jim never says anything to them because he doesn’t want to stick out too much.”

“Who isn’t nice to you…uh, to Jim?”

“Just this guy at work a few weeks ago.” Dean laughed. “He called me a fat ass. I don’t think I’ve ever really talked to him before. I was getting a coke because I brought my lunch and I heard him call me that. I started to eat lunch in my car instead of the lounge.”

“Why in your car?”

“I dunno, I guess I didn’t want to hear if he’d say anything else, you know? Who wants to hear about what a fat ass they are.”

“You’re not fat.”

“Yes I am.” Dean smiled. “I’m fat with a bad dye job. Well, Jim is at least, but you know what? I like Jim.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, he…he’s lived more in the past year than I ever did. It’s not an exciting life because I just go to work and come home to cook dinner, do laundry, and watch my shows, but it’s a life. I’ve done so much and I’ve saved people, but Jim’s just a better guy. He’s better than I am.”

“Dean.”

“That’s the truth, Sammy.” Dean shrugged. “Just trying to be honest.”

Sam obviously didn’t like that at all. He looked a little confused and maybe even pissed off, but it was Dean’s truth. Jim was a better person, not just because he had a life and an honest job, it was so much more than that. Jim really was who Dean thought he might have become one day if fate or John didn’t have other plans for him. He was a sweet guy and didn’t go out of his way to rattle any cages. Dean thought he was a good man and he really liked being Jim. He never really liked being Dean even if he saved people or saved the world because no one ever bothered to ask him if that’s what he wanted to do.

John had forced it on him and Dean was too young to just say no. Had he said no, or had John just accepted Mary’s death Dean Winchester might have had a normal life with a job, friends, and a house with curtains that matched his sofa. That life wasn’t so bad, and while Sam didn’t like the idea Dean did.

Dean knew the problem was that Sam loved him before he became someone else. He was probably even wondering if he could love a man like Jim. The way Dean had been talking about it had him sort of wondering if Sam was thinking he was crazy as well. He knew Jim wasn’t real and he was and always would be Dean, but he probably hadn’t explained that well enough.

“I know I’m not Jim.” Dean said. “I know we’re two different people…oh, that sounds even worse. I mean…I’m not one person with two personalities.”

“I think you are.” Sam laughed. “I get what you’re saying though. I know you don’t think you’re actually Jim. You know you’re Dean.”

“Exactly.”

“I don’t think Dean was such a bad guy.”

“Maybe not.” Dean shrugged. “But maybe you could learn to love Jim too.”

“I already do. I guess…I guess you’re going to stay Jim?”

“I have to. I need my job, I can’t tell Tim that everything I’ve ever said is a lie. I could find a new job, but I…I couldn’t handle not having him as a friend.”

“You two must be close.”

“He’s great.” Dean smiled. “It’s nice to have a friend. Today he asked me if I wanted to play softball tonight. He said I could pitch because of my back, but that’s too hard on me.”

“Tonight?” Sam asked. “He’s playing somewhere?”

“Yeah, a couple of people from work get together a few times a month to play.”

“Let’s go.”

“What?”

“Let’s go to the game.” Sam nodded. “It sounds like fun, we can just watch.”

“Oh…uh…maybe.”

Dean had already told Tim he couldn’t make it, but he’d be so happy that he came he probably wouldn’t even ask about what happened to the dinner plans. Dean had gone once or twice, and it was a lot of fun because they didn’t really follow rules when they played. It was going to be really nice weather and he hadn’t been out in a while, but Dean wasn’t sure he wanted to bring Sam into Jim’s life just yet.

Not only would Sam find out just how many lies he had told to the people he worked with, but he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to introduce him to Tim. Dean really liked him and he was a different person around him. It wasn’t just because he was pretending to be a different person either, he was a different Jim and Sam might not like seeing how comfortable Tim made him.

“Is it not fun?”

“No, it is.” Dean said. “It’s just that Tim is going to be there and I can’t show up with the guy I’m dating after I just told him I couldn’t date him, then you can’t be my cousin because if you want to live here then we’ll be together.”

“I could just be a friend.”

“He knows I don’t have friends.”

“You don’t want me to meet him.” Sam said before he laughed quietly. “That’s okay, we’ll just hang out here.”

“It’s not that. I’d love for you to meet him, but I’m…really close with him and you might be jealous.”

Sam nodded and then folded some of his own clothes just to have something to do. He looked a little upset which Dean didn’t like. Sam was probably genuinely interested in a normal night out just doing something completely ordinary like watching a softball game. Dean got a break after he ran from John, but Sam never really did. He had to go to school and then search in his spare time. He deserved a night out and Dean did too.

“Let’s do it.”

“What?”

“Not it.” Dean laughed. “Let’s go to the game. We can watch and then maybe grab a beer and something to eat afterwards.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. I think it’ll be a nice night out.”

“Okay.” Sam smiled. “Yeah, that sounds great.”

“Maybe like a date.” Dean said before he cleared his throat. “We should have done that first anyway.”

“Okay.” Sam laughed. “I’m going to need to wash my…this shirt!”

“You look good in blue, Sammy.”

“Thank you.”

“Let’s do some laundry.”

“Okay.”

Sam had a big smile on his face and he put his best blue striped shirt in the washer first. He kept smiling the entire time they did laundry and Dean wasn’t even that worried about introducing him to Tim anymore. He was a good friend and Dean knew he’d be happy to see him happy.

While Sam took a shower Dean decided to stare into his closet for about ten minutes. Normally he never did that because he had a whole row of work t-shirts and then bumming around the house shirts. He didn’t want to show up to the softball game in one of his work shirts and most of his other shirts weren’t really appropriate for going out and doing things.

He did have three or four nicer collared shirts, but the last time he put one on the buttons across his stomach kept coming undone which was not only embarrassing, but it pissed him off. Those button up collared shirts were probably a little too dressy for a softball game anyway, so Dean just kept on staring while he waited for Sam to finish with his shower.

Dean was pretty sure he had a polo shirt somewhere that he bought a few weeks ago when he had made a snap decision to be more social while shopping for paper towels. He knew he had never worn it because by the time he made it home from the store the idea of being social became ridiculous, but the shirt had to be in his closet, he just needed to find it. The closet was pretty organized since Jim didn’t like things to be messy, but Dean got pissed off pretty easily which meant the shirt was probably crammed way in the back somewhere, most likely still in the plastic bag from Target.

All of Sam’s clothes were washed and folded on the bed and because Dean’s closet was now their closet he wanted to make some room. It seemed like a pretty good idea because not only would Sam appreciate it, but Dean just might find the shirt he was looking for. Almost everything in the closet didn’t need to be hung on hangers. Dean just put his t-shirts and jeans on hangers because it was easier to see what he had. It probably would have been a lot more effective if he had a large selection of clothes but that wasn’t the case at all.

Dean took out his seven work shirts first. Four were black and three were a very dark blue. They didn’t have a uniform at work and Dean bought the shirts because they went well with his ridiculous bright orange apron. Sometimes he looked like Halloween, but that wasn’t too big of a deal. Black and blue shirts were perfect because nothing stained them and even when they got a little faded they still looked good.

With those shirts out of the way Dean removed his bumming around shirts which were mostly all white. Some of them had things printed on them like the one he was wearing for a local radio station. It seemed like he was always getting free shirts at work from companies or things they were promoting. It was actually a little funny to Dean because he couldn’t figure out why a radio station was hanging out at Home Depot and having a drawing for concert tickets. It wasn’t all bad though because sometimes they gave out free hot dogs and lemonade, which Tim kept saying they were entitled to.

Without the t-shirts the closet was pretty much empty except for the jeans, socks,underwear, and Dean’s collared shirts. The red and white plastic bag was right where he expected it to be. It was balled up and shoved into the corner of one of the shelves. The shirt itself was a very light blue color and rather wrinkled. Dean didn’t care about that though, at least not enough to actually iron it. He just shook it out a few times and then spread it out across the bed so it could relax some. He thought about hanging it in the bathroom so the steam could work on the wrinkles, but it was probably too soon to walk in there while Sam was showering even if he really wanted to.

When Dean heard the shower stop he quickly pushed down his pajama pants and pulled on a pair of jeans. He didn’t know why he acted so fast, because Sam had seen him in nothing at all. All he did was confuse himself because he was a lot more worried about Sam seeing him shirtless than he was with just standing around in his underwear for a second before putting on his jeans. It was going to take a while to get comfortable again so Dean decided to not even worry about why he was doing certain things or what Sam would think if he saw him without a shirt on.

Because he wanted to make sure Sam knew how much he wanted him there Dean started to hang up his clothes for him. Sam had a few t-shirts as well, but most of his shirts buttoned up. Those needed to be hung so they’d stay nice and neat and they certainly looked better in the closet than Dean’s t-shirts had.

He got about six out of ten up before the bathroom door opened and Sam emerged with a giant cloud of steam. Dean’s worrying about being undressed in front of each other suddenly seemed more ridiculous than ever because Sam only had on a green towel. He was better than Dean remembered and even better than he imagined because his hair was dripping and his skin was still a little wet and red from the heat of the water. He even had a huge goofy grin on his face which Dean thought was maybe the best part of seeing him, with the towel coming in a very close second.

“I’m officially moving in even if you don’t want me here.”

“Is that so?” Dean laughed. “Why?”

“Because that shower is incredible.” Sam sighed. “The last time I had a shower that great was…you know what I’ve never had a shower that great. Wow. How do you get the water so hot?”

“I turned up the water heater.”

“Fantastic.”

“Water pressure is really good too. I like the hot water on my back.”

“It’s great.” Sam said before he released his towel. “You’re hanging up my shirts?”

“Uh…yes, yeah, I’m putting them in the closet and I’ll move all these t-shirts to the dresser…yeah.”

“Well, I’m going to fold your t-shirts tonight. Thanks for doing that for me.”

“Uh…oh course, Sammy.”

Sam smiled and then toweled his hair off some more. He was completely naked and Dean had no idea how to cope with or react to that. It almost took his breath away and he didn’t care at all that he was staring at and directly addressing Sam’s cock. Sam didn’t seem to mind either, because he was still smiling when he tossed the towel on the bed and grabbed a pair of underwear. He wasn’t naked for long, but it did convince Dean that they’d have to work extra hard to get the drugs out of his system as soon as possible, because Sam was a man who needed to come and he was just the man for the job.

“Are you wearing this blue shirt?”

“What?”

“This blue shit.” Sam said. “It’s nice.”

“Uh, yeah, I bought it a few weeks ago. Haven’t had a chance to wear it yet.”

“You’ll look great in it.”

“Thanks.”

“Though I do like your fancy radio station shirt.” Sam smiled. “Looks comfy.”

“It is.” Dean laughed. “We had this thing at work a few weeks ago. They were giving away a trip or something. I got a free hotdog and a free shirt. They were out of chili, but it was still pretty good.”

“Sounds like a good day.” Sam said before he sat down. “What’s up with radio promotions at Home Depot?”

“I have no idea!”

Sam smiled a little bigger before he sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled on his jeans. They didn’t have much time left before the game was starting and he dressed incredibly fast. He got his socks out, picked out what looked like his nicest undershirt and then began to button up his blue shirt which he looked great in. Dean was still sort of stalling and hanging things up, but he decided to just get it over with.

He took off his t-shirt and then took his time in sorting through the rest of his shirts. He just needed a white one and he had about ten of them right in front of him, but he still went through them all so Sam could see that he had in fact gained quite a bit of weight. He even turned around and rearranged his socks in the closet because he was sure Sam would want to actually see the scar on his back.

“So have you ever actually played with them?” Sam asked. “You said pitching?”

“I did once, but it was really too hard on my back even though it’s only softball.”

“I’m going to find you a doctor and I want to go this week.” Sam said. “You need to tell your boss you’ll need some time off if you have to have surgery.”

“I…”

“I let you throw away my pills, Dean. You’re going to do something for me whether you want to or not. If you need surgery I’d prefer you have it done in the next couple of weeks so I can help you out before school starts again.”

“Are you going to say anything about this?”

“That even though you’ve been Jim for so long you’re still wearing that necklace?”

“No.” Dean said before he touched his necklace. “I never would have taken this off.”

“Then what am I saying something about?”

“This?” Dean asked as he slapped his stomach. “My gut.”

“I wasn’t planning on it.” Sam laughed. “Do you want me to?”

“I’d appreciate if you’d say something instead of pretending like I’m not fat.”

“Okay.” Sam said before he stood up. “You’ve gained some weight, which isn’t unattractive at all. I actually think it’s a little cute and within the next few days I plan on blowing a raspberry on your stomach probably right when you fall asleep.”

“Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“Honestly?”

“Please.” Dean said. “I don’t want to worry about you thinking I’m fat.”

“I didn’t say anything because I…well, I sort of like it.”

“What?”

“Your ass is spectacular.” Sam said. “It’s really filled out and that’s the only thing I wanted to comment on.”

“You really don’t care?”

“You think I wanted to be with you because of how you look?” Sam asked. “I really don’t care if you’ve gained a little weight, Dean. Most of it uh…”

Sam bit down on his bottom lip and then slowly turned Dean around. He had been very self conscious about what Sam might think about his body, but while he was checking out his ass Dean actually felt himself blushing some. It felt good to be desired and his ass was a hell of a lot meatier than it had been. Sam even very lightly placed his hand against the back of Dean’s jeans. He didn’t stoke him or grab him, he was just touching him.

“It’s in all the right places.” Sam sighed. “I’m never going to be able to fuck you like I did that night.”

“I liked it.” Dean said as he spun around. “A lot.”

“I can’t have you on your stomach.” Sam said as he traced the scar on Dean’s back. “Like he hasn’t taken enough away from us.”

“Sammy…”

“You look fine.” Sam smiled. “I don’t care at all. If you want to stay exactly as you are that’s more than okay with me and if you want to try and lose the weight I’ll help you out.”

“Maybe we could start walking after work or something.” Dean shrugged. “I’m sure my back would be better if I lost the weight.”

“I’m sure it would. We can even find a pool somewhere and you can get some low impact exercise. We’ll go to school if we have to.”

“Okay.”

“You’re as handsome as you ever were. Don’t worry about what I think.”

“Seems like you’re thinking a lot about my ass and maybe you’re a chubby chaser.”

“I’m thinking about it more than I should be.” Sam laughed. “Wow. I should maybe go take another shower, a cold one.”

“You look pretty good too, Sammy.”

“Thank you.” Sam said before he picked up a shirt. “Let’s get you dressed so we can get out of here.”

“Okay.”

After Dean had his shirt on he went into the bathroom to make sure his hair wasn’t a mess. It was long enough that it just kind of did its own thing which always looked pretty good. He considered pulling it back, but decided that because Sam liked it so much he’d just run his fingers through it and be done with it.

He actually thought he looked pretty good in his new shirt. It was kind of nice to be a little dressed up with a purpose. He wasn’t just going to sit on the sofa and watch television, he was actually going out for the night. He knew he was going to have fun and his big bright genuine smile made him look even better than the new shirt did which Sam agreed with.

After they both put their shoes back on by the front door Dean picked up his glasses. Sam was really interested in them as well, though he didn’t comment on them like Dean thought he would. They really weren’t anything special, but Dean really liked them since he was sure they made everyone think he was really smart. Tim had mentioned it a couple of times and Dean was sure he was under the impression he was smart just because of the black plastic frames.

When they got to the car Dean handed over the keys. Sam laughed a little at first and sort of refused to take them, but eventually he just sighed dramatically and let Dean open the door for him. Dean didn’t have anything against driving and his back was feeling a lot better, but Sam needed a car to get back and forth to school. Dean really did miss the Impala and it wasn’t fair that she had to spend all her time in a garage just because he was in hiding. She deserved a life too so Dean thought it was best if Sam took the Civic and he got back behind the wheel of his own car.

They made a stop at the gas station near the house to pick up a cold pack of beer, some ice, and a cheap Styrofoam chest and then they only had about five minutes until they were at the baseball field. They didn’t talk about much on the drive at all. Sam was just really asking some questions about the car and Dean was commenting on how good he looked driving it. Things were getting more and more comfortable by the minute and Dean was pretty much entirely relaxed by the time Sam had parked and then rushed to open his door like a gentleman which was unnecessary, but appreciated. Dean actually found it kind of funny since just hours earlier he was thinking Sam didn’t do stuff like that. He was wrong and really quite happy about it.

The very informal softball games didn’t bring out many fans. A few girlfriends and wives had shown up to lend their support but they all looked thoroughly unimpressed. There were really only about six people in the stands when Dean sat down next to Sam on the bottom row. That worked out great because Dean didn’t want a ton of people talking to him when he was trying to enjoy a nice night out.

Dean knew everyone on the field because he worked with all of them. Tim was already there and warming up with someone who worked in lighting. His back was to the stands and while Dean could have walked over and surprised him he wanted to wait until Tim saw him because that would be a lot better.

When Dean went to hand Sam a beer he noticed that he was incredibly focused on all the players. He didn’t look angry or nervous, but his gaze was determined and fixed on one particular player who wasn’t Tim. Sam was staring at Ken who was by far the most attractive person on the field. He was in amazing shape and Dean had seen him lug around fifty pound bags of cement mix without even breaking a sweat. He was really good looking with strong features and a full head of thick blonde hair that was never out of place. Everyone at the store loved him and while Dean had only talked to him a few times he knew he was a really nice guy, though not the nicest guy at the store since Tim had that honor.

“Thanks.” Sam said as he took the beer. “Is that him?”

“Yeah.” Dean smirked. “That’s my friend Tim.”

“Oh. Wow, he’s…he’s in better shape than I am.”

“He’s not bad looking.”

“No, he’s very handsome.” Sam said before he swallowed hard. “I can’t wait to meet him. That’ll be…that’ll be great…”

“Sammy?”

“What?”

“I’m just messing with you. That’s Ken. Tim is right there.” Dean pointed. “With his back to us.”

“Oh, thank God.” Sam sighed. “Okay, I’m…okay.”

“Relax, Sammy, I’m here with you. He’s just my friend.”

Sam nodded and then sucked down half of his beer. He was really nervous once he actually knew who Tim was. He was watching him again, but all that determination in his face was gone. His eyebrows were folded down some and he looked like he was about a second away from throwing up all over the place and the last thing Dean needed was everyone yelling at him for bringing a nineteen year who couldn’t handle half a beer to their game.

When Tim missed the ball he was tossing back and forth he had to turn around to get it. The second he saw Dean in the stands he smiled as big as he could. Dean waved and smiled too while Sam went completely rigid. Dean wasn’t even sitting that close to him, they weren’t touching, but he could feel him tense up. It was Sam’s idea to go to the game, but Dean was wondering if it was a really bad idea since clearly he wanted to go to meet Tim face to face.

“Jimmy!”

“Hey.” Dean said as he stood up. “Surprise.”

“Oh man, what happened with dinner?”

“I told my mom I needed some time off.”

“Awesome, you wanna pitch?”

“Nah, I’m just here to watch.” Dean said before he turned to Sam. “This is my Sam…this is Sam. Sam, this is my friend Tim.”

“I’ve heard so much about you.” Sam said as he stood and extended his hand. “It’s great to meet you.”

“Wish I could say the same, Sam.” Tim said before he shook his hand. “Wow, you’re really tall.”

“Yeah, I…I guess I am.”

“Sam’s at Stanford. He’s going to be spending the summer with me.” Dean smiled. “Our parents are friends.”

“Stanford huh? What are you studying?”

“English. I think I might want to write.”

“Cool, man.” Tim nodded. “Listen we’re about to get started, but beers are on me after the game, okay?”

“Sounds great.”

“Very nice to meet you, Sam. You like pizza and wings?”

“Sure.” Sam laughed. “They’re great.”

“We’ll get you some wings. Jim, remember the rules.”

“I’ll only cheer when you hit.”

“That’s my boy!” Tim said before he patted Dean’s arm. “You guys have fun.”

“You too.”

“By the way, nice shirt.”

“Thanks.” Dean smiled. “Yeah.”

Even after Dean sat back down Sam stayed standing for a few seconds until he pulled him back down. He was a little shaken by the meeting, but he saw what a good guy Tim was. Dean was really impressed because he thought things might be a little awkward after the failed attempt at a date, but they were like they always were. He didn’t seem bothered by Sam at all, though Dean was sure that was because Tim didn’t think they were anything other than just a couple of friends.

“English?”

“What?”

“Why’d you lie to him?” Dean asked. “Or what happened to law school?”

“I could barely handle my classes first semester. I don’t think I’m cut out for law school.”

“Oh.”

“I’ve still got time to change my mind. No one knows what they wanna do when they’re a sophomore in college.”

“You wanted to be a lawyer before you were a sophomore in high school, Sammy.”

“Things change.” Sam shrugged. “He called you Jimmy.”

“Yeah, he does that sometimes.”

“Is he the only person who calls you that?”

“Yeah.” Dean nodded. “What do you think?”

“He’s very polite.”

Dean waited but Sam didn’t say anything else about him. His exchange with Tim had been very quick but Dean was sure he would have had more to say. Sam was still watching him and was still tense. Dean didn’t like that at all because Tim was an important part of his life and Sam had to know what that part was. He was a friend and nothing more.

While Sam was still staring Dean took his hand. It was such a simple little gesture but it made a world of difference. Sam finally looked away from Tim to their joined hands and then he smiled some. It was a lot warmer than it had been and Dean could feel Sam relax next to him. All he needed was a reminder and Dean was more than happy to give him one whenever he felt like he needed it.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Dean smiled. “You were very nice to him.”

“I don’t like him right now.” Sam nodded. “But he seems very nice, he’s obviously a good guy.”

“You don’t like him right now?” Dean asked. “Does that mean there’s a chance you might in the future?”

“It’d be a lot easier if he’d stop staring at you.”

Dean chuckled very quietly and then looked out at the field. Tim was staring, but he was smiling too and actually winked before he broke out in a full blown grin. Sam was reading that all wrong because Tim wasn’t still trying to get a date. He was happy because Dean was. It was very simple and he was a really simple guy. All he had to do was see them holding hands and Dean knew he’d get the message and just be happy for his friend.

“He’s happy for me.”

“I’m jealous.”

“Okay, that’s fine.” Dean laughed. “He’s my friend, Sammy, that’s it.”

“I know that.” Sam smiled. “I’m okay, just gotta get used to it.”

“We can go if you want.”

“No, I want to stay. I want to watch the game, get something to eat, and get to know your friend.”

“Okay, if you do want to leave just tell me.”

“I’m okay.”

“All right.” Dean whispered as he scooted closer. “Now let me fill you in on all the juicy gossip.”

They were sitting far enough away from everyone that Dean had no problem telling Sam everything about the people he worked with. He didn’t talk to a lot of them but he was always listening. The gossip wasn’t too juicy but it did exactly what it was supposed to do and put Sam completely at ease. He was laughing and gasping at even the most mundane secrets, like how the guy up to bat had nearly gotten fired for swiping a box of nails.

Things had started off a little shaky, but by the time Tim’s team had gotten their asses handed to them Sam was in a very good mood and no longer nervous at all. That might have had something to do with the three beers he drank, but he was smiling, laughing, and even congratulated Tim on trying his best. It was completely his fault they lost because he was such a nice guy and took all the old fat men on his team. He even would have played with a crippled pitcher because it was just about having fun.

“And that was some top notch cheering, my friend.”

“Thank you, I did my best.”

“How often do you guys play?” Sam asked. “Is it like a monthly thing?”

“One or twice a month.” Tim nodded. “More when it’s cooler out. You should join us next time, it’s fun.”

“I’d like that.”

“You can pitch for me, Sammy.” Dean said before he paused. “On the field.”

“Uh, yeah, I suppose I could.”

“I really meant during softball, I didn’t mean like…”

“Yeah, you did.” Tim laughed. “Come on. I wish you would have told me, Jim.”

“Told…told you what?”

“That you were seeing someone. I feel like suck a jerk for asking earlier. Did you feel like that was something you couldn’t tell me?”

“Um…No, no, I wanted to tell you, I just…I’m a little private about stuff like that.”

“Well, you sure know how to pick ‘em.” Tim winked. “Sam, I think I owe you a pizza and some wings, maybe a little interrogation.”

“I’m starving.”

“You don’t care do you?” Dean asked. “It doesn’t change anything, does it?”

“Not even a little bit.” Tim said. “I’ve never seen you laugh so much. I just want you to be happy, man. Don’t tell the rest of the guys, but that’s the reason we lost.”

“Your secret’s safe with me.” Dean smiled. “So we’re cool?”

“That depends on if you can give me a ride. You drive, I’ll pay.”

“Sounds fair to me.”

Tim was smiling the entire time they talked and so was Sam. Dean had no idea just how easy it would be to introduce the two of them. It was cute that Sam was jealous, but he finally got it and as expected Tim was just happy for his friend. The night was already amazing and Dean was really looking forward to pizza and few more beers where Sam could get to know Tim so he could be their friend.

The best pizza, beer, and wings, according to Tim came from a little hole in the wall with duct tape on the seat cushions. Dean had probably passed it a hundred times on the way to the grocery but he had never noticed it because it wasn’t like he was going to hang out and get himself a beer or something to eat. It wasn’t the place Tim normally went to with everyone else after the game, but he didn’t want to deal with everyone yelling about winning or losing.

They apparently got pretty rowdy and louder as the pitchers piled up. Tim didn’t say why he wanted to go some place a little quieter but it was obvious that he wanted to be able to actually talk to Sam without yelling. They had been very chatty on the short ride over and while Sam had been a little guarded and nervous he was warming up to Tim very quickly and he was smiling a lot which Dean took as a good sign.

Dean didn’t want to call the place they were eating an actual restaurant because it was really little more than a glorified bar that served food. The bar itself took up almost the entire room and around the perimeter were a few tables and a whole wall of booths. Tim picked the one furthest away from everyone else and then slid right in. Sam slid in next on the other side of the table and Dean just stood for a few seconds to look at them.

He absolutely knew he was going to sit next to Sam, but with him on one side and Tim on the other it sort of looked like he was being given a choice. His mind flashed back to a program he saw about training lab rats where they’d be able to push two buttons. One would deliver their little treat and the other shocked them. They learned eventually and stopped pushing the shock button all together but it took them some time.

As much as Dean hated to think about it Sam was the shock button. Tim was a nice guy who had never and would most likely never hurt him. He was the little food pellet that was always there and would be there the next morning if they slept together. Dean had no doubt in his mind that if they had gone on a date and if that date led to more which would eventually lead to his bedroom Tim wouldn’t sneak out in the middle of the night. He’d still be there in the morning and Dean even imagined the coffee already being made and maybe breakfast in bed.

He had already made his choice the moment he found out Sam had made a mistake, so he slid in next to him with a smile on his face. The only reason Dean was even thinking about it was because the sun had gone down. It was officially night time and in a few hours he was going to fall asleep in the same bed as Sam. All he could think about was the last time they slept in the same bed and how Sam wasn’t there in the morning. Obviously things had changed and even though Dean knew he wouldn’t get hurt, he was sure the rats still remembered pressing the furry little paws against the button only to get a shock.

Dean had only hesitated for a second before he sat down, but it was obviously long enough for Sam to notice. As soon as he sat down next to him Sam gently placed his hand on Dean’s knee. The slight pressure was even gentler, but it was just what Dean needed to relax a little so he could enjoy his night out. He was sure Sam might ask about the hesitation and when he did Dean planned on telling him the truth because he had to be honest about how he felt. He knew Sam would understand because it wasn’t like he was going to sit next to Tim, he just had a second of thought about getting hurt again.

When the waitress came over Tim ordered them a pitcher of beer. She looked at Sam for a second but it wasn’t like they were going to ask to see his ID. Dean wasn’t worried about it all because there were about ten people in the entire bar and none of them were even the least bit interested in a nineteen year old. Sam didn’t even really look nineteen and he was taller than the two people over twenty-one at the table. He had already put away three beers and Dean was only going to let him have one or two more because he didn’t want Sam to get completely shitfaced.

Tim wasn’t joking about the best pizza and wings. They had to be pretty damn good because they were only thing on the menu besides French fries and onion rings. The wings came in a dozen flavors but Dean was really only interested in the hot ones with three stars next to them. They had a lot of pizza toppings too but he wasn’t really in the mood for one with everything because something about pineapple and anchovies didn’t sit right with him.

Sam and Tim both agreed with that and eventually the three of them decided on a large pizza with pepperoni, sausage and a few vegetables. Dean was going to order ten of the nuclear wings, but Sam didn’t think he could handle something that actually came with a warning so he got an order of medium wings which still had one star next to them. Tim sided with Dean and went for the nuclear wings, which the waitress felt inclined to warn them about just in case they hadn’t really read the menu. Just to be on the safe side Tim made sure she knew to bring them an extra pitcher when she brought out the wings in case they needed to drink the whole thing in one long gulp.

After disappearing for a second she came back over with an impressive tray of celery and bleu cheese dressing which they apparently needed. Dean was going to save some for when the wings came, but he was a little hungry and grabbed a piece right away. Tim got one too, but Sam just sat quietly and sipped at his beer.

“You okay?”

“I just don’t like bleu cheese dressing.” Sam said. “It stinks.”

“Honey.” Tim said as he raised his hand. “Can we get some ranch? You like ranch?”

“Yeah, I like ranch.”

“We’ll get you some ranch.”

“Thanks.” Sam smiled. “So, um, Tim, you like working at Home Depot?”

“It’s okay.” Tim said before he got another piece of celery. “I’m in flooring so I don’t have to deal with people asking me how to install carpet. It’s just carpet and the laminate wood floor, tile’s in another section. I feel sorry for those bastards.”

“Right?” Dean laughed. “And I think I have it bad.”

“No, no! You’ve got it the worst. See the people who want to lay tile are at least a little confident. You get the people who don’t even know which end to hammer with but they’re convinced they need to build a fuckin’ pagoda in their backyard.”

“I had this one guy.” Dean said as he turned to Sam. “He wanted to build a receptacle for his garbage cans because he saw it on some show. He had no measurements, no plans, no idea of what he wanted it to look like and he wanted me to tell him what he needed. How the hell am I supposed to know?”

“Do people really need a receptacle for garbage cans?”

“No!” Dean laughed. “Just like they don’t need a pagoda, a bird house, or a fully functional windmill to grind corn. If you wanna build that it’s fine, but don’t expect me to know what you need and to walk you through it.”

“Could…could you build a bird house?”

“What?”

“I mean if you got the stuff do you think you could build a bird house?” Sam asked. “That might be cool.”

“Yeah, I guess I could if I wanted to. Do you want to build a bird house?”

“I dunno.” Sam laughed. “More than I would want a pagoda or a windmill.”

“Well if you guys do build a bird house I know where you can get some carpet.”

“But would you tell us how to install it?” Sam asked.

“Yeah, but then I’d talk shit about you the second you left.” Tim said before he stood up. “I gotta take a leak. Oh, here comes your ranch. Thanks, Sugar.”

“No problem.” The waitress said as he put it down on the table. “You lemme know if there’s anything else I can do for you.”

“I’m Tim.”

“Candice.”

“It’s very nice to meet you, Candice.”

Candice giggled a little and then smiled very sweetly before she went to check on another table. Tim was staring directly as her ass as she walked away and though she noticed when she turned around she didn’t seem offended by it at all. Apparently Tim liked what he saw because he raised an eyebrow at Dean before leaving to go to the bathroom. Candice was cute enough, though she looked a little too dumb for Dean’s tastes and Tim could not only do better but he deserved better.

When she passed their table again she smiled at both of them before disappearing into the kitchen. Dean didn’t like her at all and he hated that she had managed to flirt with Tim while barely saying anything. He really wanted to tell her to back off which just confused him because Tim was clearly attracted to her even if it was just physically. Dean didn’t really like that and it made him feel very territorial which was ridiculous because he was there with Sam.

“I don’t feel well.”

“What?”

“I don’t feel well.” Sam said again. “I shouldn’t be drinking.”

“Are you nauseous?” Dean asked. “You want to go to the bathroom?”

“No, I just…I feel a little funny. Maybe I’m hungry. I shouldn’t be drinking with my pills.”

“Let’s get you a coke or something, water maybe?”

“I think a coke, thanks.”

“No problem, I’ll get her to get you one as soon as she…”

“You shouldn’t be jealous.” Sam said. “He was just being nice to her. I don’t think he really has any interest in dating her.”

“Why would you think I was jealous?”

“I just know, Dean.” Sam smiled. “Even if he does date her he’ll still have time for you.”

“It’s stupid to be jealous because I don’t want to date him.”

“You don’t want to share your friend either, that’s understandable.”

“You don’t want to ask if I do want to date him?”

“No.” Sam said before he laughed. “I think you might have sat next to him if you really did or not made room in…our closet.”

“I was always going to sit next to you, Sammy, I just…it was like two choices.”

“Sort of like wings. I went with the safer option. He’s your safer option.”

“I went with the spicy ones.” Dean smiled. “Even with the warnings.”

“I will never hurt you again.” Sam said. “I won’t always be there when you wake up, but I will always be next to you when you fall asleep.”

“Why…why wouldn’t you be there?”

“Because I might have early classes or I might get up to go to the grocery so you can enjoy your day off. You’ll never have to be alone again, Dean. I promise you.”

“Thank you.”

“I can.” Sam smiled. “I can do this. I want to do this.”

“We will then.” Dean said. “We can, together.”

“Okay.”

“Those wings…they’re gonna be way too hot I bet.” Dean laughed. “Way too hot.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything.”

“I’ll still be a big man if I can’t eat them, right?”

“Very little could change that, Dean. Certainly not nuclear wings.”

Dean smiled and laughed a little. He was just about to get another sip of his beer when Sam pressed his lips against his cheek. It was very quick, really only a second but it put everything in perspective. Sam had left a note saying that he couldn’t be in a relationship, but that he changed and he could do it now. They could even do it right with home and a job, two things they didn’t have the first time they tried to be together. Dean was sure it might be a little shaky figuring things out, but he was looking forward to it, because Jim had a life and he deserved one as well. Dean deserved a life with Sam and to still be friends with Tim. He even wanted John around sometimes though he wasn’t sure how that was going to play out.

When their waitress passed Dean flagged her down and got Sam a coke just as Tim was coming back from the bathroom. He engaged in a little mild flirtation with her but Sam was probably right and he was just being nice. If he was serious Dean realized it wasn’t anything to worry about because him and Tim had been really good friends for a while and it seemed unlikely that a woman would come between them. Guys always made time for each other and it didn’t seem like Tim was jealous of Sam at all, so Dean had no reason to be jealous of some waitress.

After they spent about ten more minutes just bullshitting the wings and pizza came out along with Sam’s coke. Dean wanted to mention something about it taking so long to bring them a fucking drink but he bit his tongue and thanked her anyway. Sam drained half of it before she was even done putting the wings down on the table so Dean made sure she brought them another one right away just in case they were too spicy.

“You okay, man?”

“Yeah.” Sam nodded. “Just a little tired I guess.”

“We can pack it in.” Tim said. “It’s no problem if you’re not feeling well.”

“No, I’m fine, probably just hungry.”

“You sure?” Dean asked. “We can go.”

“What fun would that be?” Sam smiled. “I’m fine, it’s just been a long day.”

Sam looked terrible and it seemed to come on really quickly. He had said he didn’t feel well, but he was starting to not look very well either. He was a little sweaty and hadn’t even touched his wings yet or the pizza. He managed to hold on though and kept up with the conversation. He only had a few of his wings which worked out great because Dean’s were way too hot to eat even for him. They burned the shit out of his mouth and he finished off two more glasses of beer just trying to put of the fire. Sam and Tim got a good laugh at his expense but he didn’t care because it was funny and he was having a good time.

By the time they made it back to the house after dropping Tim off Dean was thinking about taking Sam to the emergency room. He was doused in sweat and his nice shirt was practically dripping. As soon as he got inside he kicked off his shoes and then rushed to the kitchen to pop open his bottle of pills. That seemed to be the problem because he had so many drugs in his system and he was drinking on top of that.

Dean didn’t think that Sam had some addiction but his body obviously needed something to take the edge off. He felt so stupid for throwing all the pills down the drain because he knew how dangerous it was to just go off medication especially when someone was taking as many pills as Sam was. He hated that he needed it and it made him feel completely useless all over again because he wanted to be enough.

He was just about to say something when Sam managed to get one of the blue and white pills in his hand, but he never got the chance. As soon as it was in his hand Sam dropped it into the sink and then dumped out the rest of the bottle. Just like Dean had done earlier he ran the faucet and then flipped on the garbage disposal.

All those pills being ground out sounded like music and Dean didn’t feel useless anymore. He knew Sam had made a choice to no longer medicate himself. He was going to let Dean do the hard work to level him out. It probably wasn’t going to be easy and Dean was sure the sweating and shaking probably weren’t the worst of it, but he had faith that they could get through it together.

“Past few months…Every time anything happened I’d pop a pill and forget all about it for a little while. They made everything so much easier. I thought they made me better.”

“You were fine before the pills, Sammy.” Dean said as he kicked off his shoes. “I can take time off from work, we can get through this. You sweat all over me if you want to. I’ll do the sheets every morning.”

“You can’t take off forever. What if this gets worse? I can’t expect you to hold my hand for the next few weeks.”

“Dad will.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he’s real worried about me.” Sam laughed. “I’ll probably have a complete meltdown and he’ll decide that’s the perfect time to take off for no reason at all.”

“Sammy, you said you killed the demon so no one had to go what we went through.”

“Yeah.”

“Dad told me he chased it so no one would have to go what our family went through.” Dean said as he walked into the kitchen. “I’m not taking up for him. I’m never going to take up for him, what he did to us, what he did to me is unforgivable, but I really feel like he wants to make us whole again.”

“Again?” Sam asked as he wiped at his eyes. “When were we ever whole to begin with?”

“Okay, well, for the first time.”

“What do you wanna do?”

“I wanna try.” Dean shrugged. “I want my brother in bed next to me. I want my dad one room over. I want a cake for my birthday, a tree for Christmas and a big turkey on Thanksgiving. I want my family.”

“If he lays a hand on you I’ll kill him.”

“I’ll let you.” Dean smiled. “Come on, let’s take a shower and get some sleep. It’s been a really long day.”

“Can I go first? I feel so gross.”

“I sort of meant together.”

“Oh good.” Sam laughed. “That’s what I was hoping for.”

“You’ll feel better after a shower.” Dean said holding out his hand. “Come on.”

Sam took Dean’s hand and together they walked down the hall and into the bedroom. They ended up undressing each other and then washing each other off. Dean wanted to do a lot more than that but he was going to wait until Sam was ready and all those drugs were out of his system. Just being so close to him was enough and that night Dean fell asleep with Sam’s head on his shoulder and a few strands of his wet hair in his mouth. It was the best night’s sleep either of them ever had in their lives.

When Dean woke up in the morning he felt like a new man. He felt strong and energized and even better than that was Sam still in bed next to him. He wasn’t on his shoulder anymore, but he was in bed, curled in tight against Dean’s body. There was no note at all, no declaration of the things he couldn’t do because they had already decided they could do anything together.

Dean’s back was always sore in the morning after sleeping all night and he usually stretched while still in bed. Because he didn’t want to disturb Sam he did his stretches once he had rolled out. It was sort of awkward getting out of bed but he managed to do it while cracking a little smile which was unheard of for him so early in the morning.

That was the curse of having a real job because even when he wasn’t working he was always up at the same time. It was sort of nice because it gave him a full day to hang around the house and do nothing but that was before Sam came back. Dean didn’t realize someone else was back as well until he was done with his stretching and walking to the bathroom. He caught the scent of something wafting through the house which he wanted to check out but he had to pee too badly.

After a very quick and quiet trip to the bathroom Dean slipped silently out the bedroom and down the hall. The smell just got stronger the closer he got to the kitchen and he was almost sure he was imagining things. He smelled either sausage or bacon, he couldn’t tell what it was, but something was being cooked. It actually smelled really good which worried Dean a little because he was almost positive someone else had broken in and decided to use his kitchen since John didn’t cook.

Dean couldn’t remember him doing much more than heating up a can of ravioli on a hotplate when they were kids, but he was in the kitchen on Sunday morning and it was a disaster area. John had sausage on the stove, something in the microwave and his head in the oven. Dean would have thought he was trying to kill himself, but then there’d be no one to fry the sausage and let the grease pop all over the place.

The kitchen table was covered with bags and there was even a six pack on annuals on the counter. It was the strangest thing Dean had ever seen but he couldn’t actually think of anything to say. He just stood here and watched John with his head in the oven until he pulled it out and Dean got to see what had to be thirty biscuits on a baking pan. The wasted cardboard tubes were on the counter and one was even on the floor. There were four of them which meant there were most likely thirty-two biscuits all piled on top of each other on the pan.

Dean cracked another little smile when John twisted one of the cardboard tubes back into shape and then squinted at the dial on the oven so he could adjust the temperature. He could have mentioned that half the biscuits were going to burn while the others stayed raw because he had put so many on the pan, but he really wanted to see just how long it would be until John turned around and noticed he wasn’t alone.

John made an attempt at coffee next, but that proved to be an even bigger disaster than the biscuits. He seemed to be under the impression that he needed ten scoops to make ten cups but apparently realize that was way too many grounds in the filter. He ended up splitting the difference which was exactly how it was supposed to be. Dean usually added an extra scoop because he liked his coffee strong but he was too amused to say anything or recommend a dash of salt to keep the coffee from being too bitter.

“Always on me about reading the paper while you were cooking but I was paying attention.” John said as he shook the pan on the stove. “It’s not even burnt. Won’t taste as good as yours but…I’m trying, baby”

“Do you always talk to her?”

“Oh.” John said before he turned around. “Hey, I didn’t…did I wake you?”

“No. I’m usually up at this time for work.”

“Well, um, good morning.”

“Morning.” Dean nodded. “Smells good.”

“Yeah, I’d thought I’d make some breakfast. I talk to her sometimes.” John said before he laughed a little. “Usually when I’m alone.”

“You look better.”

“Thanks.”

John’s face was all black and blue and he had a bandage on his nose, but he was cleaned up. He looked a hell of a lot better than he had after Sam’s rather ruthless beating and he seemed to be in a pretty good mood. He either scored some fantastic pain pills or he really was trying. Dean wanted to think he was trying since he’d never lie to Mary.

“Daniel uh…had some stuff. Clean up my arm and pushed my nose back where it should be.” John said. “He seems to really like Sammy.”

“Everything go okay with that?”

“Yeah, not a problem. I dropped off the gun, got cleaned up a little bit. Made it back here around four.”

“You’ve been here for three hours?”

“Crashed on the sofa for about two. I stopped at the grocery store first. Thought I might make something for breakfast.”

“I see that.” Dean said as he looked around the kitchen. “There are way too many biscuits for that pan in the oven and what’s in the microwave?”

“Grits.”

“Grits.” Dean said. “You’re making grits.”

“You like grits.”

“Can’t argue with you there. Wow, you sure know how to make a mess.”

“Leave that stuff.” John said as he opened up the oven again. “I’ll clean up. There’s a bag from…ah, there it is, under those steaks. I got that for you.”

“Steaks?”

“Under the steaks.” John pointed. “I guess I can do two batches of biscuits.”

“That’s not a bad idea.”

The three steaks John bought were gigantic. Dean didn’t even know where they were supposed to cook them because they were so huge. It would have been nice if he had his grill but he figured they could probably broil them in the oven maybe or he could go find a new pan at the store. He didn’t really know what to do so he moved the bag to get to the other one.

The plain white plastic bag contained a rather thick manila envelope. Dean had no idea what it could be but John seemed pretty excited about it. He was picking off some of the biscuits and kept looking over his shoulder and waiting for Dean to open the envelope. It was stuffed so full that had to rip it to get it open and even then he had no idea what the hell was going on or why John was giving him such a bizarre gift.

It was one the car magazines that Jim didn’t read but Dean really loved. That wasn’t strange at all, but every page had been separated and laminated. They were all just stacked together and in order from cover to cover. Dean wanted to say “Thank you” but he really had no idea why John had done it or what the hell it meant. It was just weird, almost as weird as him cooking breakfast.

“Not bad, huh?”

“What…why is this laminated?”

“Well, how many times can you read the same shampoo bottle?” John laughed. “You can put them on the counter and then read them while you’re in the shower. They’re laminated so they won’t get wet.”

John flicked the cover and then went right back to rearranging the biscuits. Dean still didn’t know what to say because he never in his life imagined John would even think up such a thoughtful gift let alone go out and get it. It was really nice and Dean had gotten tired of reading the shampoo bottles after about a week. The same went for the conditioner bottles because they were practically the same thing.

“Dad.”

“Yeah?” John asked without turning around. “I should have gone to McDonald’s.”

“Thank you.”

“What?”

“Thank you.” Dean said again. “This is…it’s really nice.”

“You’re welcome, Dean. We’ll get you another one when you’re done reading it.”

“It’s a good idea.” Dean laughed. “I never thought of that.”

“I can’t think of anything more boring than reading shampoo bottles. Sam’s still sleeping?”

“Yeah.”

“There’s some uh…prescription bottles in the trash.”

“You noticed that, huh?”

“Hard not to.” John said as he looked over at the garbage can. “It’s a lot of bottles, Dean.”

“Yeah it is.” Dean said as he stood up. “But he’s not going to take them anymore and I’m going to be here for him while he gets it out of his system.”

“That’s probably for the best. I was thinking I’d fix breakfast and then be on my way…I’m sure it’s easier for him without me around. I just wanted to tell you both goodbye.”

“Where are you going to go?”

“I don’t know.” John shrugged. “I don’t have anywhere to go.”

“I don’t really know what Sam wants, dad. I’m going to do whatever he wants but you’re welcome to…”

“Don’t, Dean. I really can’t have you offer me a…”

“You’re welcome to stay here for a while until you find a place. There’s some houses for rent a few streets over. You’re a hard worker, you can find a job.”

“Why would you want me to stay?”

“Because sometimes…” Dean said before he smiled. “I look at you and still see daddy tucking me in at night and reading me a storybook. I want that dad back. I want to get to know you again. I want Sammy to know you and I…I want my family. Mom wouldn’t want Sam to be okay only you’re not here. She wouldn’t want you leaving or him to only function because the pills make him. She wouldn’t want me to be as miserable as I…”

Dean put his hand over his eyes and cried like he had never really cried before. He cried for the life they had before Mary died and the hell that followed. He cried for Sam leaving and then realizing that life wasn’t worth living without someone to love. He even cried for the life he might have, the life they all might be able to have together where bumps in the night were just that and nothing more. He wanted the kind of normal life Jim had but he wanted it to be real for all of them.

Dean cried and choked out a few sobs until John put his arms around him and held him close. He wanted that every day or his life and he wanted to forgive him. He wanted to get rid of all the bullshit and just live the life he was meant to where he was happy for no reason at all and the only thing he needed was his brother and his father. Dean wasn’t asking for much at all. All he really wanted was the things every person was entitled to.

“I love you.”

“I know.” Dean nodded. “I never thought you didn’t.”

“I made a mistake, Dean, but I promise you. I’m promising you now I’ll make this right. I’ll be everything I can for you two. I’ll be my best.”

“That’s all we want.”

Dean could have stayed hugging John for the rest of the day put he pulled back when he heard Sam’s hoarse morning voice. He was standing right where Dean had been when he was watching John trying to cook. He had apparently heard what Mary would have wanted because he was crying as well. He wasn’t as loud as Dean or as quiet as John but he was still crying.

“Sammy.”

“You get one more chance.” Sam said. “That’s it, dad.”

“That’s all I need.”

“Then that works out for both of us.”

“Sam.” John said as he shook his head. “I know this hasn’t been easy for you, but if you let me…I’m going to screw up, but I want to be here for both of you. I didn’t have a thing to do with the man you turned out to be, but I want to get to know him.”

“Okay.”

“And I lov…”

“No.” Sam said. “You’re not going to say that and then wash your hands clean and we forget all about this. You wait until I’m ready to hear that from you.”

“That’s fair.” John nodded. “Okay.”

“Did you bring the gun back?”

“Yeah, I did. He said to keep in touch.”

“Yeah. Dean, can I…”

“Yeah, Sammy. Dad, you better take those sausages off before they burn.”

“Eggs okay?” John asked. “Scrambled?”

“Yeah.”

Sam nodded and then walked out of the kitchen and down the hallway to the bedroom. Dean figured he wanted to talk about things so he followed him in there. The very second the door was closed behind them Sam took his head in his hands and kissed him. That didn’t surprise Dean that much, but Sam was so gentle when he did it. It was really kind of sweet and Dean knew he was blushing.

“Good morning.” Sam whispered.

“Morning, Sammy.” Dean smiled. “I could get used to that.”

“You and me both.”

“You feel better? You look a lot better.”

“I feel great.” Sam said as he sat down on the bed. “I feel so comfortable.”

“Me too.”

“He’s going to pay rent if he’s living here.”

“Oh yeah?” Dean laughed. “Not a bad idea.”

“I don’t…I don’t really want him here, Dean.”

“I know that.”

“But.” Sam sighed. “You’re right about mom. She wouldn’t want this for us, any of it. I think she’d want us to try. She’d want him to try and when we don’t have anything we’ll still have each other. I’ll try for her, for you.”

“He wants to be better, Sammy. He wants us to be a family.”

“That’s the thing. Might be too little way too late.”

“But you’ll try?” Dean asked. “Right?”

“I’ll try.”

“Good.”

“Now come get in bed with me. I want to pretend to wake up again with you next to me.”

“I think that can be arranged.”

Dean smiled as big and bright as he could before he got back in on his side of the bed under the covers. Sam did the same and they both closed their eyes. Dean waited just about a minute until he felt Sam’s lips on his one more time. John skills in the kitchen didn’t really seem to matter anymore to Dean because the best part of waking up had little if anything to do with coffee.

Three Weeks Later.

Sam fucking hated waiting. The only thing worse than waiting was waiting with nothing to do. It was his own fault because he knew he was going to spend the entire morning waiting and hadn’t picked up a book from home. There were magazines he could have read, but they were so outdated and not anything he was even interested in.

He took a walk to look at the babies and then went outside to just pretend he was a smoker. His eyes never really left his watch the entire time so he knew if he had a book he probably wouldn’t have gotten far but it would have been nice to have something to occupy his time. Sam even searched the backseat of the car but he didn’t find a single thing to read or play with.

He came dangerously close to buying a crossword puzzle in the gift shop, but he didn’t have a pen and then he’d have to buy one. If he did get the crossword puzzle there was a chance John might want to help and Sam really couldn’t deal with talking to him since he was the entire reason Dean was in the hospital in the first place. Just thinking about it made Sam so angry he wanted to scream but then the nice lady in the gift shop probably would have called security so he just smiled and left.

Sam stopped at the cafeteria and got two cups of coffee saturating both with sugar and cream before he went back to the waiting room. There were only two other people in there except for John and Sam wasn’t sure but it sounded like their kid was getting his tonsils out. He wanted to listen to their conversation but he knew that was rude and he couldn’t figure out how to do it without them realizing it.

John was flipping through some magazine intended for post menopausal women when Sam handed him the cup of coffee. He made sure John knew it was just the way he liked it. Of course John took one sip and then sighed because he took his coffee black which Sam was well aware of. He just wasn’t going to miss a single opportunity to be a dick.

The past three weeks had been the best and worst of Sam’s life. He woke up with a smile on his face every morning because Dean was there, but it would always fade when he remembered John was there as well. It was damn near impossible to remain civil when Dean was at work, but Sam really was trying to do what was best for their family and what Mary would want. Some days it was harder than other and though he never knew his mother he was sure she’d approve of giving John the wrong kind of coffee.

Out of all of them John was trying the hardest and Sam could tell how genuine he was being but at the same time he wanted to tell him to just fuck off. He came close several times but he bit his tongue. They had nearly got into a full blown fight a few days ago over what to watch on television which Sam realized was stupid and childish, but having John around brought out the worst in him.

Dean was a nice balance because he was always the best part of Sam. He had been rock for the past three weeks and he was right by Sam’s side as he went through the withdrawals and he talked him down when he wanted to call his doctor for just a lower dosage to get him through the night. It was always worse at night but Dean made the morning come so much sooner and before Sam knew it the shaking and night sweats had stopped. He still felt anxious sometimes but all he had to do was look at Dean or at the house they had if he wasn’t there and everything was so much easier.

After Sam looked at his watch for the hundredth time he sighed and looked over at John. They were sitting across from each other and John looked perfectly fine. His nose was still a little fucked up, but the bruising was gone and he apparently didn’t need surgery. He was luckier than Dean which just pissed Sam off even more. The other thing that pissed him off was the bouquet of balloons tied to a coffee mug full of sugar free candy. The mug actually said “Get Well Soon” which was the most laughable sentiment Sam had ever seen which was only funnier because it was coming from John.

The balloons were all primary colored and fit for a child not a man. Sam was a little tempted to give them to the waiting parents on the other side of the room, but he knew how much they would mean to Dean. Him and John weren’t one hundred percent again but they were better than they had been, though realistically neither of them needed to do any work to be better than they had been.

“Can you stop staring at me, Sam?”

“I’m staring at your lovely balloons. That’s such a nice gesture, John.”

“They can be from both of us.” John said. “If you want.”

“That’s sweet, but I gave him a little token last night.”

“I don’t think he’d be receptive if I climbed on top of him and bounced around for an hour.”

“Wasn’t what I wanted.” Sam shrugged. “I was hoping he’d rape me again, but he doesn’t have the same thrust he once did.”

“Well, he should after today.” John smiled. “Hopefully you’ll be able to take the stick out of your ass long enough to enjoy it.”

“You…”

“You have been on me for the past three weeks Sam. I’m done apologizing to you. You want to be an asshole that’s fine. I really don’t care anymore. I never knew the ability to take a dick would turn you into one.”

Sam choked out something that sounded a little like a gasp of disbelief. He was actually trying to say something but it just came out like a shocked gurgle. He honestly never expected John to fight back, but he was and Sam sort of liked that. He had been incredibly complacent over the past three weeks and he brushed off everything Sam said. It made him wonder if he would have had the balls to say the same thing if Dean had been there, but he probably would have.

“What?” John asked as he threw down the magazine. “Nothing to say to that? You can’t even manage a clever quip about pussy before calling me one?”

“I was going to but now that you’ve taken the wind out of my sails I don’t see the point.”

“I get that you’re mad at me. I understand that right now you’re madder than you have been, but for Dean’s sake can we please get through this before he gets out of surgery. He did absolutely nothing wrong.”

“He wouldn’t be in there if it wasn’t for you.”

“I could say the same thing about you.” John said. “I don’t think I gave him what he wanted and then ran away. That was you, Sam. You broke him before I did and you were a hell of a lot more thorough.”

“You…you think I don’t know that?”

“I think you want to make me out to be the bad guy so you don’t have to do it. I’m fine with you blaming me for the reason you ran. Hell, I’ll even agree with you that I wouldn’t have made it easy, but I didn’t make you run. You did that all by yourself.”

Sam had built the biggest wall he could manage around himself and John was just chipping away at it. He didn’t like to think about it but it was all true. Sam had hurt him first and just because he didn’t need surgery for a broken heart he had hurt him more. If he hadn’t left, if he hadn’t been so weak Dean wouldn’t have needed comfort from John. There wouldn’t have been any misunderstanding and neither of them would have had to spend a year apart.

“Maybe you can forgive me when you forgive yourself, Sammy. Be as angry as you want, but I love you. Nothing is ever going to change that. I’m always going to love you.”

“Don’t.” Sam said as he grabbed John’s wrist. “Don’t go.”

John had stood up and was trying to leave. Sam knew he wasn’t going to actually leave the waiting room but he was trying to put some distance between them and there was enough already. They had miles between them and Sam really didn’t want that. He didn’t want to be okay only because it was what Mary would have wanted or what made Dean happy. He wanted to be okay because he wanted to get to know John. He wanted a chance for both of them.

“I’m sorry, Sammy. I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Sam nodded. “I know, dad.”

“You can’t keep taking it out on me, Sammy. If I could pretend that….If this wasn’t tearing you up you know I’d let you make it all my fault, if I…Sammy, just…”

Sam just kept shaking his heard and staring at the gray carpet through his blurry vision. He didn’t look up until John made him. He gently grabbed him by his chin and lifted him up. It was really all Sam needed to let it go because he wanted John to be there for him and to comfort him like fathers were supposed to do. They weren’t about to crash a picnic and compete in the sack race, but making Sam face the truth was a giant step towards forgiveness.

“We should say those balloons are from us.”

“I think so too.” John smiled. “I’m sorry I called you a dick.”

“I’m sorry for getting you the wrong coffee.”

“It’s still good.”

“And I’m…I’m sorry that we didn’t just watch that Civil War thing last week.”

“Wasn’t all bad.” John said as he sat back down. “I never realized there was so much to know about koalas.”

“I tracked him, followed the weather patterns did more research than I wanted to.” Sam said before he laughed. “Talked to a few people, figured it out.”

“Figured what out?”

“Dad, come on. Don’t play dumb. You know why he came for me.”

“Sam, she didn’t…”

“I know she didn’t know.” Sam smiled. “I know, dad. I don’t blame her.”

“I…” John said before he took a deep breath. “I could never figure out what she got. I don’t know why she did it.”

“Me neither.”

“I guess we’ll never know now.”

“Maybe it’s better that way.”

“Yeah.” John nodded. “You’re probably right.”

Lying came so easily. Sam had said he wasn’t going to tell John, but he deserved to know. He needed closure and Sam planned on answering any questions he had. To his surprise John didn’t ask a single one he just sort of smile and then shrugged. He didn’t need to know how it ended so Sam didn’t really feel that bad for not telling him how it started.

He figured in time he might tell Dean the whole story but they were probably better off without it. Sam knew everything because he talked to so many people and they all filled in different pieces of the puzzle. Sam didn’t like when some of the pieces got moved into place, but at least he had the whole story and he honestly didn’t judge Mary at all for what she had done to him for John.

Sam had a very civilized conversation with John for the next hour while they kept checking their watches and waiting. It wasn’t so hard anymore because he had someone to talk to and John was a great way to pass the time. When Sam woke up that morning he had no idea what a drastic turn the day would take, but he was glad it did. He talked to John about school and got to hear about a couple of jobs he was interested in after he was done taking some time off which Sam agreed he deserved.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” John nodded. “Anything.”

“You obviously really regret what you did. You could have changed all that the moment you left that Saturday, why didn’t you do it?”

“Well, look at you. A year on your own and you find out everything.”

“I heard a few stories. He asked you if you could change it and you hesitated.” Sam said. “He said you started to say yes and then you said no.”

“I saw how much pain he was in, what he had to put himself though after you left and I…He asked if I could change it and for a second I considered it. He was completely innocent in all this and I thought about it.”

“So why didn’t you do it?” Sam shrugged. “I’m really glad you didn’t, but I honestly want to know why.”

“I’ve been a half-assed dad since you were six months old, Sammy. It was time I did some work. If I couldn’t make things right on my own I didn’t deserve to have you two in my life.”

“Nothing about only having ten years left to kill the demon?”

“I stopped hunting him when I was in the ambulance with Dean on the way to the hospital.”

“Why?”

“I guess I realized there are worse monsters out there.” John smiled. “And uh…I trained you so well I sort of assumed you’d take care of it.”

“Bullshit!” Sam laughed. “God, you’re so full of shit.”

“I didn’t get a lead in twenty years, Sammy. You did it in a few months all on your own. I’m so proud of you, son.”

“Thanks.”

“And even prouder that you got into Stanford.”

“Wow.” Sam whispered. “Dad, I think we might actually be getting along.”

“Yeah.” John laughed awkwardly. “It’s uncomfortable for me too.”

Sam laughed right along with him and before they knew it the time was up and the smiling doctor came out from behind closed doors. He was such a nice guy and really cared about Dean. Sam could tell that from the very first appointment they had the Monday after he came back. He was an older guy and very experienced. He had very high hopes for Dean’s surgery and promised that he was going to do his absolute best.

“Well?” Sam smiled. “How was it?”

“Perfect.” The doctor nodded. “It went beautifully. We cleaned up the scar tissue, repaired the nerve damage and once we were in there the fusion wasn’t necessary.”

“Thank God.” Sam nodded. “That’s good.”

“He’s going to be just fine, Sam. We’ve got some medication to help with the pain and I’ll need to see him in two weeks to take out the sutures.”

“Not a problem.”

“And you have to keep on him to do those exercises we talked about. It’s critical to keep moving while he heals, but nothing strenuous. I’m going to let him go back to work after I see him in two weeks, but no lifting for a while.”

“Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah.”

“I’m going to have to admit you if I keep you from seeing him any longer, aren’t I?”

“Yes!” Sam yelled. “Please!”

“Okay, come on.”

“Come on.” Sam said to John. “Let’s go see him.”

“I can wait if you want to be alone.”

“Come on!”

Sam grabbed John by the front of his shirt and yanked him to his feet. Dean was going to want to see both of them and there was really no point in John waiting for his turn. As they walked down the hall the doctor reminded them that Dean had just been through surgery and he was probably going to be a little loopy for an hour or so, but he could go home at the end of the day.

That made Sam incredibly happy because he knew Dean was worried about actually staying in the hospital for any length of time. He wanted to be home and either in bed or on the sofa. A big part of that seemed to be because John had already promised to cook and Dean sure as hell didn’t want him doing that. He had gotten a little better, but if they kept eating his food regularly they were all going to spend a lot more time in hospitals.

“Sammy!”

“Hey, you.” Sam smiled as he rushed to the bed. “How do you feel?”

“Drunk.”

“You look so handsome.” Sam said as he pushed his hair back. “The doctor said you did really well.”

“He told me.” Dean smiled. “They didn’t do the fusion.”

“They didn’t have to. He told me you were so strong that they didn’t need to do it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

It was a good thing Sam had cried with John because he didn’t want to cry in front of Dean. It was pretty hard because he was so relieved that he was going to be okay but he managed to keep composed while he kept pushing Dean’s hair back so he could see his handsome face. He was looking more and more like the Dean Sam had remembered. He had already lost ten pounds and that did wonders for his back. The surgery would do the rest and once he was able to be more active the rest of the weight was just going to melt off which Sam saw as sort of a mixed blessing. He was glad he got to enjoy the extra ass while it was there, but he sure was going to miss it.

“What am I twelve?” Dean asked. “No teddy bear?”

“It’s in the car.” John said as he put down the balloons. “Me and Sammy got you these.”

“Oh, yeah? Take a break from clawing each other’s eyes out?”

“Momentarily.” Sam laughed. “We’re scheduled to resume just as soon as you’re back home.”

“Can I go now?”

“No. They have to keep an eye on you for a few hours and then we’ll take you home.”

“He said I might need help in the bathroom, Sammy.”

“Yeah, me and dad flipped a coin, he’ll be handling it.”

“What about in the shower?” Dean grinned. “I don’t want him in there.”

“Something tells me you’ll be just fine.” John laughed. “And we’ll get to all spend two weeks together before you go back to work.”

“Perfect, I look forward to the constant sniping and bitching. It’s like living in a sorority house.”

“We’re done with that.” Sam said. “At least constantly.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Sam laughed and then bent down to kiss Dean right in front of John. He was never going to be completely okay with them being in a relationship and given the choice he’d probably like to see two beautiful girls in two separate beds, but he was happy that they were happy and that was all they really wanted.

When Sam backed away from the kiss Dean’s eyes were a little wide until they fell on John and he laughed. He was laughing so much lately. It was pretty much constantly and every time Sam heard it he smiled and laughed too even if Dean was laughing at him.

“What?” John asked. “What are you laughing at?”

“Me raping Sammy. You’re such an asshole. Like he wouldn’t have just kicked my ass and then called me a fag.”

“Can’t argue with you there, kid.” John said sitting down. “I’m in good company though.”

“I’m not an asshole.”

“Yeah, but I am.” Sam shrugged. “Not as big as dad, but still.”

“No, you’re not. I’m sorta of tired. You uh…Sammy, you promised Tim you’d call.”

“I will. Why don’t you get some more sleep and before you know it we’ll be back home.”

“He’s gonna come see me, but he still wants to beat up dad. You have to stay in your room.”

“Whatever you want.” John smiled. “Little bastard.”

Dean had officially come out to Tim two weeks ago when the thought of lying to him became too much to handle. He wanted them to always be friends and he wanted Tim to actually be friends with Dean instead of a character he created. He told him almost everything and Tim took it surprisingly well. It was better than Dean had hoped for and Tim’s only real problem was how much he really disliked John, which Sam sort of liked himself.

John had bought Dean’s big grill for him as yet another peace offering and Tim came over for hamburgers on Friday for their little pre-surgery party. He was definitely not John’s biggest fan and made no attempt to hide how he felt about him. He didn’t have to like him because he wasn’t John’s friend. He was Dean’s friend and Sam’s, all that mattered was that they got along. Sam really did like Tim. He loved hanging out with him and they did have plans for a double date in the future once Tim found Mr. or Mrs. Right.

“I’m sleepy.”

“Just get some rest.” Sam said before he kissed Dean’s forehead. “I’ll call Tim and I promise I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Okay.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, my Sammy.”

“I am yours.” Sam smiled. “Get some sleep.”

“Tell me, Sammy.” Dean said once he closed his eyes. “You gotta tell me.”

Sam took Dean’s hand and held it in his. He really was tired but he squeezed back just as tight as he could. Since his eyes were closed Sam finally cried from relief and then lowered his mouth to Dean’s ear and whispered so quietly that even John wouldn’t be able to hear him.

“I can.”

Dean moaned very contently and then drifted off to sleep with a big smile on his face. John wanted to know what Sam had said to make Dean smile like he did, but he didn’t feel like telling him. He kept it to himself and then went to call Tim before buying John a cup of black coffee.